Oh, crap

A major problem at NFL games.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/football/nfl/09/28/bc.fbn.bengals.pigeonpo.ap/index.html?cnn=yes

The Weekend Dump - Sept. 29-30

This week's dump has us squarely in the middle of a pennant race. Not to mention, the biggest game of the year in the IFL thus far, between the two highest scoring teams in the league.

EYE on the IFL

Game of the week: 9 Fingers (3-0) vs. BC Bombers (3-0). Shu has Rudi Johnson OUT for this game with a hammy. However, he does have Kenny Watson, and it could come down to him (and #85) on Monday night vs the Pats, in a game that could very well be a shootout. Chris T looks to continue his winning ways, w/ Gates, Eli/Burress, and Gore. Should be a great game....who cares who I think will win (I'll pick BCB though). Expect to see both of these guys in the playoffs.

Other creamy goodness:

Napalm Death (2-1) vs. Chinese Toys R Us (1-2). A key Central battle here. Winner is in 2nd place behind Fingers. Don't look now but CTRU is the 3rd highest scoring team in the league. Expect them to roll, as Devo reportedly will not watch any games on Sunday so he can study for the Phila. Dept. of Sanitation exam.

Razen Kanes (3-0) vs. Mighty Meatballs (0-3). Mismatch of the week? The Damn Best is so confident, he went over to Germany for Oktoberfest. He will now be known as Tone Deutschmark. Meatball was scheduled to travel with Tone, but he missed the plane because left his passport at home and he didn't make it back to the airport in time. So he will be celebrating Oktoberfest on Frankford Ave. instead of Frankfurt, Germany.

The crappy other Week 4 games:

Hit Squad (1-2) vs. Notorious RVG (1-1-1) - Hit Squad has not scored over 100 yet this year, which is pathetic in the new scoring system.
Dragons (1-2) vs. Mud Dogs (1-1-1) - No SJax for Mud Dogs...looking really bad for Mike P. Might be time to join Shap in retirement. Better yet, join him in Atlanta.
Part Time Pimps (2-1) vs. Dead Beats (1-2) - If Chaos gets a good game out of LT, he might actually win this one.
Lizard Kings (0-3) vs. Ballbusters (1-2) - STIPULATION GAME - The loser shaves the winner's ballbag. There's a good chance John E may throw this game.


UNIVERSITY of FOOTBALL

Game of the Week: #6 Cal @ #11 Oregon. Oregon is -6. I definitely like Cal. No idea why. Both teams looked impressive in thrashing overrated interconference opponents (Tennessee & Michigan) earlier this year. I'm still salty about the Oklahoma game from last year, so F Oregon.

#25 Temple @ Army - If Army is only a 6 pt favorite at home against friggin Temple, they must really suck. I don't support the troops in this case, take the Owls and the points.

#1 Oklahoma @ Colorado - OU -22.5. Please. No way the Buffs are scoring 22 pts on this defense and there's no way the Sooners don't hang another half a hundred. Boomer Sooner BIG - something like 66-7.

Penn State @ Illinois. PSU -3. I thought Illinois was really supposed to suck. PSU's offense looked really inept against Mich last week... I still think they have enough to get by the Illini. Lay the FG.

Florida State vs. #22 Alabama (@ Jacksonville). Fla St -2.5. Hate to admit it, but I'm liking the Tide. They lost a tough one to Georgia last week, but I think they bounce the Noles in a rare matchup between these 2 teams (first meeting since I was like 8 months old). FSU hasn't impressed me one bit this year.


THE PRO GAME

Eagles -2.5 GIANTS on SNF - I think the Birds pull out a tough one. We'll really see what they're made of here. Don't even know if I like them enough to give 2.5 though.

Patriots -7 @ BENGALS on MNF - I could care less, I have no players in the Monday night game for once (unless I start Wes Welker). So I'll be watching Dancing With The Stars.

New Orleans vs. BYE - I love the BYE... rest up, Reggie I'll need you for the stretch run in the IFL.


BEISBOL

Ah yes, the biggest weekend of baseball in Philly since 1993. Phils vs Natties, Mets vs. Fish. A 2-1 series win for the Phils gets them at least to the play-in game Monday, which will be @ CBP if it's vs NYM. Hamels should be a win tonite, Eaton tomorrow is going to force the Phils to score about 15 runs, and Moyer Sunday. Sounds like 2-1 Phils. NYM throwing Perez, Maine, and Glavine this weekend vs the Flopping Flounders...hopefully they will provide some resistance vs. the heartless, gutless Mets. Not sure who they would go with in the Monday showdown, maybe El Duque....that's why it's so important for the Phils to just get there. Lohse would go for the Fightin's.

When the smoke clears:
Phils 89-73
Mets 89-73

Ariz 91-71
SD 90-72
Col 89-73

Phils beat Mets Monday.... NLDS will be Phils-Padres, D'backs-Cubs.


BOXEO

I know nobody likes boxing, but you're forced to hear about it here on the IFL Blog because there's a great slate of big fights this fall. Starting with Saturday night in AC (also on HBO).

Prediction: Pain. And Kelly Pavlik by a late TKO over Jermain Taylor to win Taylor's middleweight title.

RB2 ***SPOILERS***

[There will be no RB2 TV show this week, it will air next week as a "double eviction week". However, if you were watching the live feed online, you know that this is what transpired]:


We regret to inform you of the latest controversy in the RB2 apartment. Part Time Pimps owner Mike B awakened on Tuesday morning, to find his underpants around his ankles, and his pen15 was wrapped in a hot dog bun. He has asked for and received his unconditional release from the RB2 competition.

Therefore, it gives me great pleasure to announce - because you are a willing victim of gay sexual abuse, and because of your piss poor low score of 94, Mike B - you have been evicted from the RB2 apt.

Also congrats to Chinee Toys R Us owner Biff "Cambodian Slick" Pocoroba on his immunity from eviction in Week 4, thanks to a high score of 186. Eleven houseguests remain.

IFL: the Weekend that Was, and the Week that Will Be

Your Week 3 Results

BC Bombers 161, Mud Dogs 118
Napalm Death 131, Mighty Meatballs 89
Dead Beats 158, Ballbusters 153
Dragons 168, Hit Squad 97
Razen Kanes 131, Notorious RVG 129
9 Fingers 142, Part Time Pimps 94
Chinese Toys R Us 186, Lizard Kings 124

Chinese Toys R Us, congrats - you are the $20 winner for Week 3. Thank you. As always 5% of my winnings go to charity, so I will be pledging $1 to the Mike B. Paternity Test fund.


Week 4 Pickup order

1. Mighty Meatballs
2. Lizard Kings
3. Hit Squad
4. Dragons
5. Dead Beats
6. Ballbusters
7. Chinese Toys R Us
8. Mud Dogs
9. Notorious RVG
10. Part Time Pimps
11. Napalm Death
12. Razen Kanes
13. Nine Fingers
14. BC Bombers


Week 4 Slate

Hit Squad vs Notorious RVG
Napalm Death vs Chinese Toys R Us
Dragons vs Mud Dogs
Mighty Meatballs vs Razen Kanes
Part Time Pimps vs Dead Beats
Ballbusters vs Lizard Kings
and the big one...
Bucks County Bombers (3-0) vs 9 Fingers (3-0)

New NFL Rule

I don't think this will impact the IFL though . . . .http://sports.aol.com/fanhouse/2007/09/23/nfl-bans-cheerleaders-from-flaunting-it-in-front-of-visiting-pla/?ncid=NWS00010000000001

Week 3 Monday Night Bush

Week 3 kept the scoreboard operators around the IFL busy once again, and this time the points were mostly coming from an unlikely place - the Linc! An astounding 321 IFL points were derived from the Birds 56-21 thrashing of the Lions. Yes, that is 321 pts in active IFL lineups. But that wasn't all - in fact, maybe the biggest IFL superstar not in Philly yesterday was CTRU RB Ronnie Brown - who put up 52, while sitting on my f***ing bench!!!! You can only imagine the horror as his points added up. You know that feeling, when you are driving down the highway, only to realize you left the car seat on the roof of your car, with your newborn child still in it... that's how I felt as each Ronnie Brown update came across the wire. Yes, it was a conscious move, benching him in favor of Winslow (who was worth 14), one I will forever regret. Regardless, I will still probably win my game, but if I had him in there, I'd be rolling around right now rubbing a $20 bill all over my naked body. Now I might have to wait until tomorrow to do just that.

Only 2 games have real drama tonight, the rest have faux-drama or they’re completely in the books.


Razen Kanes 132, Notorious RVG 127
(RK is done) (RVG has O. Mare)
Now this is what fantasy football is all about, baby! Rooting for FGs on Monday night! But watch out for a 5-point night for Saints K Olindo Mare, in which case we have RVG's 2nd tie of the season, which would be redonkulous. As for Sunday's games, Tone Money was actually very lucky to be in this situation in the first place, thanks to Kevin Curtis' unfathomable 62-point day. Hasselbeck was solid with 26, but other than that, it looked like the Razen Kanes of old, with very disappointing days out of his top 3 picks - Holt (11), S. Smith (2) and J. Walker (3). RVG was led by TJ Housh's 12 catches (37) and Palmer (24). The loser picks up their first loss, but a tie keeps them both undefeated!

Napalm Death 111, Mighty Meatballs 86
(ND has V. Young) (MM has Brees)
With tonight's game being in New Orleans, I'm not going to count Meatball out yet. But once again, he's dug himself a nice size hole with his crap lineup. And he had 2 guys in the Eagles-Lions game! Reggie Brown (4) and T Bell (9)...along with Randle El (5), he's compiled a group of guys who are borderline bye week starters...that's just not gonna get it done. Fast Willie (20) had a nice day despite no TDs, and Branch (19) stepped up a bit though. Devo will not escape my criticism either. His team may have been even more piss poor, save for the heroic performance by Westbrook (55). But the problem here is Galloway (8), D. Williams (4), and Lee Evans (1). Evans can be considered a major disappointment thus far. So this war of attrition (actually more like a sissy fight) will have a bit of drama tonight - and don't be surprised if Meatball pulls it out. If he loses he's 0-3, and Devo can climb the Central ladder at 2-1.

Chinese Toys R Us 165, Lizard Kings 107
(CTRU has Bush) (LK has B. Jones WR TEN)
Despite my raging General Managerial boner mentioned above, I was bailed out by the rest of the CTRU lineup, mostly Boldin (49) along with the buddy men Romo and TO (comb. 58) on SNF. The game was actually tied at 107 heading into the late game, and the first half didn't look pretty. John E, despite being a great host yesterday, received no mercy from me. His only bright spots were Driver (29) and the Steelers D (23). He'll need a miracle of biblical proportions, which means Brandon Jones would need to outscore Bush by at least 58. Despite Jones being an Oklahoma alum, I'll be forced to root for his failure tonight. Although the real drama is whether or not Bush can get out of his slump and lead me to the $20. CTRU is a likely 1-2, while LK is a dreaded 0-3 in that West division.

Nine Fingers 142, Part Time Pimps 84
(9F is done) (PTP has Colston)
Shu continues to plow through the IFL with the greatest of ease. Just a regular day for the Fingers - Moss (33), MBIII (29), Ocho Cinco (27) were top men. No one on the Pimps roster did much of anything, and Crumpler (18) led the way. Ewww. A 58-bomb out of Colston tonight? Not out of the question, the way things are going in the IFL this season. Shu will likely be 3-0 though, and PTP will fall to a very overrated 2-1.

Dead Beats 158, Ballbusters 153
(FINAL)
When you looked at the scoreboard at around 4:30, this game was probably something like 142-130 Ballbusters. The majority of this game was played between 1 and 4, and Bob and Chaos did not fail to partake in the offensive fireworks around the league in said early games. However, some late D. Ward (yes, the FA pickup) action helped Dead Beats to their first win of the season. Talk about balanced scoring, Chaos had all 3 starting RB score exactly 18 points! The problem is, one of those guys was LT, who continues to struggle. Regardless, while Favre (47) outgunned Rivers (36) in real life, the opposite was true in the IFL. Bob also had another stellar day from Peterson (29), the first of many I'm sure, and Addai put up his usual 24. Since this game is so close, the IFL Bureau of Mathematics will re-calculate the numbers of this game many times, but I'll go out on a limb and say both teams are now 1-2.

Dragons 168, Hit Squad 100
(Drag done) (HS has Deuce)
Another game with real-life dueling QBs, this time the NFL winner was also the IFL winner, and Dragons are off the schnide. McNabb's 54 was the icing on a huge day for Wo, but Kitna's 43 was about the only thing Holland could be proud of (other than his 8th-grade diploma). No other double-digit players for Hit Squad, but Deuce gives him false hope for tonite. Dragons also had B. Marshall with 25, and the Dallas D (30) was all over Grossman. Dragons likely have their first win, and Hit Squad is going to be 1-2.

BC Bombers 161, Mud Dogs 118
(FINAL)
BCB holds up their end of the bargain leading into next week's highly anticipated showdown vs. 9 Fingers, with a thrashing of Mud Dogs. Of course Chris T had a substantial slice of the Philly-Detroit offensive pie, with Roy Williams (46). Gates (27) and Portis (21) are other notables in the BC lineup. Mike P. had a decent day, led by Brady's 44, but a couple donkeys hurt him, particularly Hines Ward, who put up 1 single point. BCB is 3-0 to lead the East and Mud Dogs are at .500 after 3 weeks, at 1-1-1.

Weekend Football Dump - Sept 21-24

I didn't give any predictions for the first 2 weeks, pretty much because they're useless, and besides, not being able to bet this year has taken the starch out of me. So instead, if I have time on Fridays, I'll just give my eggheaded insight into the weekend that is Football, along with some non-thought-provoking commentary on the betting lines where applicable.


EYE on the IFL

IFL Game of the Week: Nine Fingers (2-0) vs. Part Time Pimps (2-0)
One of 3 battles between unbeaten IFL teams this weekend. Shu's Fingers are the highest scoring team in the league, while Mike B's Pimps have been outscored by a couple of 0-2 teams. But the big story here is all-world PTP WR Andre Johnson's injury, rendering him unusable for this game. That is a huge blow (nob?) for the PTP and I expect 9F to roll behind the Johnson boys (Rudi and Chad) again.

Other key games:
Lizard Kings (0-2) vs. Chinese Toys R Us (0-2) - Both teams went up tough comp in Weeks 1 and 2 despite having good weeks themselves (CTRU was kinda donkey in Wk 2 though - only 107). CTRU will be playing from behind again, and it will come down to the bitter end, as practically all of John E's team plays at 1:00 Sunday, and CTRU has to wait for SNF to see Romo and T.O., and Bush is on MNF. I fully expect John to gloat as he takes a 110-point lead as I watch the Birds game at his house. I will definitely be calling his house late Monday night to feed him some crow. The loser here will be in big trouble at 0-3.

Mud Dogs (1-0-1) vs. B.C. Bombers (2-0) - Chris T looks to continue his 7-game winning streak, dating back to last season including his title-winning run, while Mike P just wants to be accepted as something other than a tea-bagging assface, in this IFL East throwdown. Mud Dogs need Steven Jackson to get back on track, but it will be tough against that Tampa defense who shut down the sAints last week. BCB may be looking ahead to the monster Week 4 showdown with other early-season big-swinging-dick 9 Fingers.

Razen Kanes (2-0) vs. Notorious RVG (1-0-1) - Tone Money! The Damn Best looks to keep his high intercontinental profile with a win over the Notorious one. With Hasselbeck going against the non-existant Bungals secondary and Steve Smith and Carolina facing the equally inept Falcons D, expect Tone to join the elite at 3-0. Also, RVG will be attending a rock and roll music concert during the Sunday games!!! Blasphemy! He should have his football license revoked. I certainly hope he doesn't start following the church of Satan after partaking in that heinous activity.

The rest:
Napalm Death (1-1) vs. Mighty Meatballs (0-2) - If Devo doesn't win this, he should be tied to the back of a speedboat by his feet and dragged down the Delaware River.
Dead Beats (0-2) vs. Ballbusters (1-1) - Paging LaDainian Tomlinson?
Dragons (0-2) vs. Hit Squad (1-1) - Holland will check into rehab on Tuesday, after facing his enabler this weekend.


COLLEGE - the best 7 years of my life

College Football Game of the Week - what else? Oklahoma (3-0) at Tulsa (2-0) FRIDAY night on ESPN2. The battle for Oklahoma. Both teams have explosive offenses, but I have a feeling the Golden Shower haven't ever seen anything like this OU defense. If anyone cares, I like OU -23 and I'll take the under 68...prediction - Oklahoma 63, Tulsa 3.

Also-
3-0 Penn State (-3) @ 1-2 Michigan. If Henne's back, Tone's Wolverines can resume their mastery of the Lions, but if that freshman plays, I think PSU could eat him up as they did with that homo Claussen. If I was a betting man, I wouldn't like this game. For shits and giggles, I'll take Meechigan.

0-3 Temple (+21) @ Bowling Green. Big revenge game for BG as the Owls knocked them off last year for their only win in the last 3 seasons. Lay the 3 TDs even though Temple got robbed last week.

#12 South Carolina (+16.5) @ #2 LSU. First of many tough SEC matchups for the Tigers (Miss St = not tough). Spurrier brings that tough D into Baton Rouge but the Cocks will have serious trouble scoring points against the best D in the nation. I expect a blowout, as LSU makes another statement.

#22 Georgia (+3.5) @ #16 Alabama. Can the Saban magic continue? I hope not, as he is a prick. But I do like the Tide in this one, coming off their HUGE win at home last week vs. the Razorbacks.


NFL - televised games

Dallas (+3) @ Chicago - Sunday night. I expect the Boys to be victorious here, as the Bears could start to unravel behind that woeful offense.

Lions (+6) @ Eagles - ehhh.. should the Birds be giving 6 to anyone? Kitna could have a field day with that hurtin Eagles secondary. I hate to say it, but the Kittens may win it outright, and I would definitely take the points. I hope I'm wrong, because if the Birds come out flat again on this Throwback Sunday, the fans are going to want to throw McNabb & Reid back to the lions.

NY Giants (+3.5) @ Redskins - In this NFC East matchup, I'd lean toward taking the points, even though the Giants STINK. Redskins are also frauds, so I could see them definitely tripping up. Great logic here, I know.

Bungals (+3.5) @ Seahawks - We know about the Cincy D. Seattle doesn't look that great themselves, but I think they'll pick up the W at home, lay the pts.

Titans (+4.5) @ Saints - Monday Night. Time for the Saints offense to appear, please (I have Bush in 2 leagues). Titans coming off a high, almost beating the Colts at home. I tend to like the Titans w/ the pts, but I think it will be a NO victory, something like 27-24.

Reality Bytes - Week 2

Things were starting to look up in the RB2 apartment, as the houseguests were given the choice of a month's worth of food, or a 61" HDTV. The 13 remaining people took a vote, and the TV won by a total of 8-5. Eating or watching football??? Easy choice. However, things took a turn for the worse on Sunday morning, when several guests found Chaos butt naked on the living room floor, eating part of the TV, rendering it unwatchable. So much for that.

And now... by virtue of your miniscule score of 90, Holland, you have been evicted from the RB2 apartment. So last year's winner is gone and we have 12 starving, foul-smelling houseguests remaining in this rancid apartment.

Also congrats to Shu, who wins immunity for next week thanks to his impressive 217-point effort.

IFL Hosting - by John E.

{Editor's note: the following note is authored by Lizard Kings owner John E.
*The IFL Blog reserves the right to edit and censor these messages when applicable.}

Just a reminder that I'll be hosting Sunday services for Week 3 of the NFL season at the John E. household this week. This week's opening hymn will be Fly Eagles Fly, as always. Try to let me know if you are coming by Friday night, so I have a headcount to go by on Saturday.

Try to leave a little earlier than normal so you don't get caught in the Linc traffic. (is Eagles traffic still bad a half hour to an hour before game time?) If anyone wants to come really early to avoid that b.s., no problem. Just let me know so I don't answer the door while still only wearing my briefs with "Juicy" written on the back.

The driveway will be open to the first 2 cars to arrive, possibly the first 3 depending on how big the vehicles are and how they fit. But this is center city, so try to carpool with someone else if possible.

For beer I figured I'd get Yuengling and Miller Lite. I assume that's cool with everyone. If anyone who is coming has a strong preference for something else, let me know. No menu agenda as of yet.

Yours in Christ,
John E.

Week 2 Resluts/Week 3 Pickup Order & Schedule

Bucks County Bombers 180, Dead Beats 110
Mud Dogs 111, Hit Squad 90
Napalm Death 144, Ballbusters 124
Nine Fingers 217, Mighty Meatballs 101 (congrats to Meatball)
Part Time Pimps 119, Dragons 104
Razen Kanes 165, Lizard Kings 144
Notorious RVG 178, Chinese Toys R Us 109

Congrats to Shu, your $20 winner for this week. Spend it wisely. (link NSFW)

And now the pickup order. You should have seen my email re: pickups. Just make sure there's a drop/IR attached to each pickup request. Make everyone's life easier.

1. Mighty Meatballs (0-2; 185 pts)
2. Dragons (0-2; 192 pts)
3. Dead Beats (0-2; 205 pts)
4. Lizard Kings (0-2; 265 pts)
5. Chinese Toys R Us (0-2; 273 pts)
6. Hit Squad (1-1; 187 pts)
7. Ballbusters (1-1; 237 pts)
8. Napalm Death (1-1; 251 pts)
9. Mud Dogs (1-0-1; 231 pts)
10. Notorious RVG (1-0-1; 298 pts)
11. Part Time Pimps (2-0; 255 pts)
12. Razen Kanes (2-0; 310 pts)
13. B.C. Bombers (2-0; 376 pts)
14. Nine Fingers (2-0; 390 pts)


Week 3 schedule-

Mud Dogs vs. B.C. Bombers (1:00pm, FOX regional broadcast)
Napalm Death vs. Mighty Meatballs (1:00pm, IFL Network)
Dead Beats vs. Ballbusters (1:00pm, Telemundo)
Dragons vs. Hit Squad (4:15pm, shown on closed-circuit TV at the Spectrum)
Razen Kanes vs. Notorious RVG (4:15pm, available ON Demand starting Monday 9/24)
9 Fingers vs. Part Time Pimps (8:30pm, Lifetime)
Chinese Toys R Us vs. Lizard Kings (3:45am, Public Access TV - where available)

Week 2 Monday Night Melons

It was another offensive orgy in the IFL this week, highlighted by the Bungals/Browns game, where the 2 teams combined for 96 points and 1000 yards, while also accounting for an unprecedented 251 IFL points. That brain-boggling total does not even include the 46 by Cleveland QB Derek Anderson (who is an IFL free agent), nor the 27 by Kellen Winslow on my bench. Of course, 123 of those points came from Notorious RVG's team, at the expense of me (see below), but nobody likes a complainer. And besides, that's what I get for drafting Reggie Bush over Rudi Johnson. I truly am a first-class Grade A dope. Shu, you're welcome.

And speaking of Shu, he continues to put up eye-popping numbers, totaling the first 200-point week in quite a few years while collecting the weekly $20 prize. It is no coincidence that this happens when Rosh Hashanah and the Italian-American festival in Bristol are occuring in the same week, the first time in 85 years these 2 events cross paths. Even with the new scoring system, there is no doubt that 9 Fingers are on fire. Mazeltov, Shu, and congratulazioni. And קרױט.

Anyway, 3 games have implications tonight. Here they are:

Napalm Death 120, Ballbusters 110
(ND has Westbrook) (BB has S Moss)
Devo has the unquestioned edge going into tonight w/ Westbrook, but ND was helped by the one-man show that was Galloway (40). Lee Evans (3) continues to disappoint. As for Ballbusters, Favre led the way with 30 (nice call starting him over Leinart btw). Sorry Bob, gotta root for Napalm tonight.

Part Time Pimps 106, Dragons 91
(PTP has Akers) (Drag has McNabb)
This should be a close one tonight....Wo wants TDs, Mike B wants field goals. PTP continued to get loads of points from Andre Johnson (36) and T Henry (20). Wo struggled again this week, as his high man was the Dallas D (22). A Dragons win would put both of these ass clowns at 1-1 in the West.

Nine Fingers 217, Mighty Meatballs 84
(9F is done) (MM has Reggie Brown, Randle El, and Eagles D)
I think it's safe to say no one has ever trailed by 133 going into MNF... but the Meatballs have not lost yet! That is because it would be a moral victory if they didn't actually put up the low score for the week. No guarantees, considering they are starting their Week 1 pickup, Randle El (ouch). W Parker (26) and D Branch (24) led the way for Meatballs, who can still escape being a complete laughingstock tonight if they can get over the century mark. As for the actual game... no one was beating Shu this week, let's be serious. His 6 starting offensive players averaged 30 points. He reaped the benefits of that ridiculous CIN-CLE game, with Ocho Cinco netting cuarenta y ocho and Rudi putting up 30. Shu is the Central leader at 2-0. Meatballs, what else, 0-2. For god sake, when do I play Meatball...ah yes, Week 6. Could be 0-5 vs 0-5 at this rate though.


The following games are OVER.

Notorious RVG 178, Chinese Toys R Us 109
FINAL
Palmer = 58. Edwards = 39. TJ Housh = 26. But hey, I outsmarted everyone by picking up and starting the Cincy Defense. Glad to see them really clamp down on that inept Browns O. Unfortunately, their 3-point outburst was not enough, and CTRU tumbles to 0-2 in the very tough Central division. Romo's 24, TO's 21, and Lamont Jordan's 20 notwithstanding. Bush = 13. I think we can change the "h" in his last name to a "t" and that would be more appropriate. Nah seriously, he better come around...he started last year slow also (I think he didn't score a TD until around Week 6), but this is not looking good. I actually received an e-mail from the chairman of the Garbage Bowl sponsored by the Phila. Dept. of Sanitation this morning, asking me if I want to lock in my spot. How humiliating. ehhh RVG improves to 1-0-1 in the East.

MudDogs 101, Hit Squad 90
(MD has Cooley) (HS is done)
Well-balanced, but not overly impressive effort by Mike P, led by Brady's game-clinching 29 on Sunday night. But the big story here is Holland's piss-poor showing. LJ continues to stuggle (he had only 11), and so does MJD (a measley 5). Hit Squad's high man (other than the owner) was the Jags' D with 23. Mud Dogs are 1-0-1, while Hit Squad is 1-1 in the IFL LEast.

Razen Kanes 159, Lizard Kings 144
(RK has Curtis) (LK is done)
Tone Money is 2-0! Just as his beloved Michigan gets off the schnide, Tone puts up his most impressive IFL performance in about 7 years (if only my team could mirror the Sooners' performances). Poor, poor Johnny E, who puts up a great fight but loses again, not unlike his Temple Owls, who were jobbed this past weekend. He can join me in the Great Teams Who Are 0-2 support group. The Kanes were led by Steve Smith's 3 TDs (for a monstrous 52). Lizard Kings enjoyed some of the Ohio offensive explosion, with J-Lew's 38. A better day out of Manning (24) and we might be talking about Ellis with the same reverence that we now speak of Tone Money.

B.C. Bombers 166, Dead Beats 110
(BCB has Portis) (DB is done)
Apparently Chris T is taking his title reign seriously. He must have not gotten the memo that says defending champs are supposed to suck the next year. Anyway, Jake Friggin Delhomme put up 43 as he was astutely inserted in the starting lineup over Eli Manning. Roy Williams also came to play with 30, and the Pats D chipped in 29. And with each passing week, Chaos' odd-numbered year title streak is more and more in jeopardy. If I were him, I would be slightly concerned about LT (who only had 9), because the Chargers offense looks atrocious (esp. Rivers). The consensus #1 pick probably end up getting his as SD's schedule eases up though. One bright spot was Edge's 28-bomb, as I once again have to ask where that was last season. BC is 2-0 and DB will be in last place in the East at 0-2.

Reality Bytes 2 - 1st eviction

We're finished Week 1 in the RB2 apartment, and morale is already at an all-time low. Tempers are flaring. Conditions are deplorable. Used condoms litter the floor. There are 2 and even 3 people sleeping in one twin bed. Lunch consists of whatever bugs are crawling on the floor, and dinner is human flesh. Devo and Mike P were actually seen huddled in a corner eating their own feces. It was clear that someone had to go, and by a vote of 13-0, and with a low weekly score of 84, Joey Meatballs - you have been evicted from the RB2 apartment.

And by virtue of your weekly high total of 196 in Week 1, Chris T - you have immunity from being evicted next week. However, you also have to clean up the toxic stew of urine, vomit, and semen that is about 2" deep on the bathroom floor.

This is what Oklahoma Football is all about.

As a big Sooners fan, this story just warms my heart. Ripping the balls off the enemy.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/football/ncaa/09/11/oklahoma.texas.fight.ap/index.html?eref=mostpop

A Note about IFL IR - from the Commish

from the desk of

COOKIE WANG

If you haven't noticed, the official NFL injury reports look slightly different this year, and that will affect how we determine which players are eligible for IR in the IFL. Previously, players were categorized as Probable, Questionable, Doubtful, and Out, and a player had to be listed as Doubtful or Out to be placed on the IFL IR.

Now, those designations have been changed for the Wednesday and Thursday injury reports, and the new designations are Out, Did Not Practice, Limited Practice or Full Practice. Therefore, we have changed the requirements for IFL IR accordingly.

****A player must be listed as either Out or Did Not Practice on either day's report to be placed on IFL IR. Please DO NOT try to place anyone on IR who is not eligible. Failure to adhere will result in the loss of future free agent pickups and loss of the player who was picked up.

You can find official NFL injury reports on NFL.com or any NFL team websites as early in the week as Wednesday, and they should be in Thursday's newspapers. If you have any questions as to a player's status and you cannot find it, please email me and I will do my best to find out for you.

Please keep in mind, I do not have the ability to view your transaction requests prior to them being processed, so you will need to police yourself in this matter. Sportsline processed the moves at approximately 1:00am Friday morning, and I will not go back into the site and change the moves unless it was determined that there was some error on my part.

I know this has become somewhat ambiguous, but unfortunately, this is the route the NFL has chosen to go, therefore we must adapt. In the offseason, we will be looking at our IR and its place in the IFL, and we will try to make this process more easily manageable.

Week 2 Pickup Odor

First of all, I would like to apologize to Meatball. I received thousands of e-mails and letters from his fans, complaining about how I was labeling him as a loser. Well he is not a loser. He proved that this past week by winning something – the #1 free agent pickup of the year.

NOTE: Although RVG and Mud Dogs tied, RVG gets the higher FA pick by virtue of him having a lower draft pick in the 2007 IFL Draft. I still think they should both be kicked out of the league for tying in Week 1 though. I mean, ties suck. It's like kissing Holland.

1. Mighty Meatballs (0-1; 84 pts)
2. Dragons (0-1; 88 pts)
3. Dead Beats (0-1; 95 pts)
4. Napalm Death (0-1; 107 pts)
5. Lizard Kings (0-1; 119 pts)
6. Chinese Toys R Us (0-1; 164 pts)
7. Notorious RVG (0-0-1; 120 pts)
8. Mud Dogs (0-0-1; 120 pts)
9. Hit Squad (1-0; 99 pts)
10. Ballbusters (1-0; 113 pts)
11. Part Time Pimps (1-0; 136 pts)
12. Razen Kanes (1-0; 145 pts)
13. Nine Fingers (1-0; 174 pts)
14. Bucks County Bombers (1-0; 196 pts)

Week 1 Results - k?

A tie? I mean, who ties anymore? ROFL!

Hit Squad 99, Dead Beats 95
Notorious RVG 120, Mud Dogs 120 (wtf)
Ballbusters 113, Mighty Meatballs 84
Nine Fingers 174, Chinese Toys R Us 164 (omfg)
Razen Kanes 145, Dragons 88 (lol)
Part Time Pimps 136, Lizard Kings 119
B.C. Bombers 196, Napalm Death 107

omg congratz 2 Chris T hes so cool, he won the $20 4 da weekly hi score, i hope he asks me 2 go 2 tha dance this wkend

cya bitchez!

Week 1 Monday Night Double-headed Pleasure

Very exciting and explosive Week 1 (Eagles loss notwithstanding), but the big story is the pumped-up numbers, thanks to the new scoring system. I figure teams have the potential to boost their #s from last year by 24 points per game. Except for Meatball, who will still be lucky to get 50 every week. 3 IFL games dangle in the balance tonight, highlighted by me and Shu, who each had man-size ejaculations of rich and creamy fantasy football goodness, with the potential to combine for nearly 350 points. What a shame that one of us has to lose. Let's break it down, as we have a double dip of NFL action tonight, Ravens-Bengals and Cards-49ers.


These IFL games will come down to the final gun tonight:

Chinese Toys R Us 151, Nine Fingers 140
(CTRU has Boldin) (9F has Rudi & Chad Johnson)
This was easily the most exciting IFL game of the day. Fingers may have thought they had this game in the bag, but some monster Sunday night performances made this oh so interesting. Romo's 57 made him the high-man for the week in the IFL so far, with 345 yds, and 4 TDs including one 50+ yarder. And to give Shu even more agite, two of those TDs were to TO, who put up 23 after a first half in which he didn't even see the ball. Lamont Jordan's 30 was the other notable performance for CTRU, who bounced back after a sub-par debut by Reggie Bush (8) on opening night. Shu reaped the dividends of the new and improved Randy Moss, his 9-for-183 w/ a 51-yd TD was worth a whopping 44. Also his Vikings D smothered the Falcons and put up 39. Tonight, the deck is stacked in Shu's favor as he has his 1st and 2nd round picks going (Rudi and Ocho Cinco), albeit against the tough Baltimore D. If the Cinci offense explodes, Boldin might not be able to salvage this one, and CTRU will suffer a tough, tough, Week 1 loss and 9 Fingers will win by a nose. Either way, both teams deserve a healthy round of applause for their extremely impressive performance.

Mud Dogs 120, Notorious RVG 79
(MD has Mark Clayton) (RVG has Palmer and TJ Housevanilli)
Mud Dogs were led by Brady (38) and the San Diego DEF (28). Mud Dogs' top 2 RBs, #2 overall pick Steven Jackson (7) and early 3rd-rounder Cedric Benson (6) did not live up to their billing. The Notorious One still has a great chance tonight, but as I mentioned, his Bungals are going against the ravenous DEF of Baltimore. He had solid days out of his #4 overall pick, Alexander (24) and also L Coles dropped 24. 40 points is a lot to overcome, but with the new scoring system, all bets are off.

Hit Squad 97, Dead Beats 70
(HS has nobody) (DB has Edge and Rackers)
Uneven performances from two teams with 5 IFL Plaques between them. Holland had a big day from the Kitna (29) to Calvin Johnson (17) combo, other than that, not much. #3 pick Larry Johnson put up 15, which does not measure up to high expectations. Chaos has a shot tonight, he just better hope Edge has a better night than he did last time he was on MNF (when he was woeful, avging less than 2 yds per carry). He salvaged a nice game out of LT (26), despite him being shut down for the better part of the day. Kinda scary when you think that was a bad day for him. The Seattle D also gave him 25, but count Rivers (7) and Thomas Jones (5) among the disappointments. Once again, the recurring theme is the new scoring system, where 27 points is not a huge defecit for the Dead Beats to overcome.


These games are OVER.

Part Time Pimps 136, Lizard Kings 119
FINAL
Oh, to put up 119 and lose. That is the sad tune being belted out by John E this morning in the shower (I should know, I installed a hidden camera in there), as he tried to ride the 32 put up by Manning on Thursday, but he had some disappointing efforts on Sunday. The Steelers D is about the only bright spot (39). Questionable 2nd-rounder Marshawn Lynch put up a serviceable 17, but 3rd-rounder Brandon Jacobs left the game with an injury (and only 2 pts), and his status is in doubt for the immediate future. PTP looked impressive behind fine performances by Big Ben (32), T Henry (26) and Andre Johnson (38!). Mike B takes his share of the early lead in the IFL West.

Razen Kanes 136, Dragons 74
(RK has Shayne Graham) (Dragons have McGahee)
It will take a superhuman night out of McGahee, but even in this new "steroid-inflated era" of IFL scoring, it will be too deep of a hole to climb out of. Wo-Man suffered behind such performances as Julius Jones (8), Cadillac (9) and the Dallas D (5). His high man was Harrison, who had 18 on Thursday. Tone Money made all the doubters look stupid, with his triumverade of WRs drafted in Rounds 1-2-3 putting up a combined 82 (Smith 36, Walker 25, Holt 21)!!! Once again, Tone proves that he is the damn best. I knew it all along.

Ballbusters 98, Mighty Meatballs 75
(BB has Leinart and Fitzgerald) (MM has Stover)
Year #3 for the Mighty Meatballs starts off the same as the last 2 years have gone, atrociously. In the old scoring system, a 75-point output would be laughable. A 75 this year, and you need to seek help. He had a nice goose egg from Deion Branch, and a whopping 2 out of Reggie Brown to go with the 6-bomb by Drew Brees on Thursday. His high-men were Eagles D (21) and Twilight Zone 3rd-rounder Tatum Bell (19)....but can you really expect Tatum F-ing Bell to keep it up? Ballbusters will surely pad their comfortable win tonight, but it will still look closer than it really is, no matter how many points his Cardinals Connection puts up. Congrats to Bob for his wonderful pick of Adrian Peterson (MIN) - who put up 34 and looks like he will be a force this season, and Addai's 28 on Thursday kicked off the season in an impressive fashion.

Bucks County Bombers 182, Napalm Death 81
(BCB has Gore) (ND has D Jackson and Ravens DEF)
The defending champs prove they were no fluke by pasting 2-time champ Devo. 182 and his 1st-round pick didn't even play yet! Eli and Plaxico almost put up 100 by themselves (48 and 51). Gates also helped the onslaught with 30. ND could not ride the momentum of Reggie Wayne's Thursday night special (35), lowlighted by flaccid performances by Vince Young (9) and Lee Evans (2). A good night by the Baltimore D and Jackson could make his total look respectable, but he ran into a juggernaut yesterday. I don't know if I'd count on that type of game out of the Giants too often though. Anyway, congrats to the Bombers, who look like they will become 2007's first 200-point team tonight.

Week 1 Early Pocoroba's PICK

I wanted to get this in before tonight's BIG game....

CINCINNATI +3.5 Oregon State

That may not qualify as a big game to you, but to some people out there, it could be the difference between being married for another few months or being kicked out of the house tomorrow (GO BEARCATS), so put that down as my first College pick of the season.

But the real big one..

INDIANAPOLIS -6 New Orleans

I'm going by the Philadelphia Daily News lines (which I have always done for the sake of this blog), which is 6. I've seen it at 6.5 other places, which sucks because I originally said it will be a 6-point game. Anyway, I'll adjust and predict a 34-27 Colts win.

2007 Draft - a review.

The 2007 IFL Draft will be remembered for many things, most of them controversial. But it is in the books, and I do mean the history books. In fact, I bet the table of contents will look something like this:

Chapter 1. Pisco’s computer program.
Chapter 2. Tone Money’s shoes.
Chapter 3. The hideous lottery cards.
Chapter 4. The draft board falls down.
Chapter 5. The draft board falls down again.
Chapter 6. The cameo appearance of former 2-time IFL Champion, SHAP.
Chapter 7. I got thrown in the pool (fully clothed) by Holland.
Chapter 8. Me and Holland got thrown in the pool by Ballbustin’ Bob.
Chapter 9. Retribution – Bob threatens to knock down Mike B’s fence

Luckily Chapter 9 was never written. But today, boys and girls, we are going to talk about the most controversial aspect of them all…the bad picks.

Before I get into that, let me take the time to give serious props to Mike B for hosting the event, and what an event it was. He had it all – a great setup, great food, great pool, great weather, and an all around great guy. He also had the balls to offer a low-calorie menu, and thank god for that (I only gained 20 lbs instead of my usual 25). My only complaint was the absence of yak meat. Yaks are in great abundance in the steppes of outer Mongolia, and can easily be taken down with a crossbow or high-calibre rifle. Their meat is somewhat salty and fatty, but it is great in stews and as a pizza topping. So I’m not sure why they didn’t have yak available for us… future potential draft hosts, please make a note of that.

Oh, one other complaint – I had to drive 45 minutes each way with John E in my car. That’s enough to put even the most hyper-ADD kid to sleep. Every time he opened his mouth with another boring anecdote from his college days, I just turned my radio up louder, thinking he’d get the hint. He didn’t.

And now, a round-by-round review of the picks that made us all throw up in our mouths a little bit.

1^st Round

Controversial selections: RVG taking Alexander at 4. I believe most people had him slotted closer to the middle-end of Round 1, but if that was his guy, so be it. There is a downside to SA, coming off injury, and with a weaker O-line, but he could still be a TD Machine and run for 1400 yds. Then Chinese Toys R Us (from this point forward – CTRU – not to be confused with Counter Terrorist Unit) taking Bush at 9. Pretty high for a guy who’s not even the starting RB on his team. But when he catches 90+ rocks and has a few 50+ TDs, it will be well worth it. Also, John E taking Peyton #11, the first non-RB. Always a risk taking a QB #1 but someone always does it. John dove right in to the QB pool head-first, we’ll see if he rounded out the rest of his team. Tone Money taking Holt #12 was a big surprise. Holt is one of the best WRs year in-year out, however reports out of camp say that Holt’s knee is only at about 70%. I guess when you have a magazine from June you won’t get that kind of info.

2^nd round

Controversial selections: John taking Marshawn Lynch at 2.04!!! Wow. Lynch is only a rookie, he’s unproven at this level, but he’s the definite starter in Buffalo. When you look at the iffy RBs John could have drafted (MJD, Edge, Benson, Portis), it may not seem like that much of a reach, but one has to wonder if Lynch might have even been there in the 3^rd round for him. Then Meatballs taking Brees at 2.07. The early-QB strategy works a little better when you have a stud RB on your team already, but this pick must be noted, as it puts you behind the 8-ball to fill out the rest of your Starting 6 with competent talent. RVG (Palmer) and Mike P (Brady) also took the QB plunge in Round #2.

3^rd round

Controversial selections: Chaos taking T Jones at 3.01. With LT and Edge already in the fold, going RB-RB-RB is very risky, since he won’t be able to fill his other positions until 27 picks later. But having 3 definite starting RBs is a soild strategy. Ballbusters taking Adrian Peterson at 3.07 was a ballbreaker (for me, since he’s my boy). It would have been tough to pass on him at 3.09, but I probably would have, with Boldin sitting out there. Peterson is not the starter in Minny, but his talent is unquestionable and he will put up numbers. Meatball’s selection of Tatum Bell at 3.08 raised some eyebrows. Yeah he’s the starter for now in Detroit, but Kevin Jones looms large. The John E watch continues at 3.11 with Brandon Jacobs, a guy who may have been there at 4.04. At this point it was like watching a horror movie, watching him draft. Top WRs Walker, Colston, and Andre Johnson were on the board.

4^th round

Controversial selections: Tone Money – Chicago D. Every year without fail, someone goes defense early, and it’s usually Tone Damn Money. This year the Damn Best did not let us down. After going WR-WR-WR, defense was the logical 4^th round choice, no? Shu went Randy Moss at 4.05, and frankly, I was surprised after last year’s debacle when he drafted Moss 9^th overall. Projections on Moss are mixed, but no one expects the type of season like he used to crank out with the Vikings. Then came the shock of shocks, Devo taking the Ravens D!!! I guarantee, 5 years from now, everyone will be taking defenses early. Deeve was the first to wait till the 9^th round to take a QB (he was doing that as early as 1996), and then boom – that becomes everyone’s strategy. The man is a trend-setter. Still, I’ll say it was a controversial pick.

5^th round

Controversial selections: Chaos rounding out the San Diego triple threat by taking Vincent Jackson. With LT and Rivers in the fold, he put a lot of his eggs in that unproven Charger basket (2/3 of it unproven). CTRU taking Tony Homo at 5.09 was also questionable. I guess I saw the Romo-to-TO combo and I was all over it. Perhaps Jamal Lewis may have been a better pick there, as I could have saved myself from the slop RBs I had to take later on.

I should note that at this point, Holland does not appear on this list as making a controversial selection through 5 rounds, which is amazing.

6^th round

Controversy: Tone Money, a regular on this list. Tone eschewed a RB once again to draft his 4^th WR, Kevin Curtis.

7^th round

Not much controversy, but I will pat myself on the back for taking LaMont Jordan here, an unquestioned starter. Great value pick. However, he stank last year when I took him in the 2^nd round, so I will have no problem cutting him loose as a 7^th round pick this year if he continues to stink.

By the end of Round 7, nine teams have drafted a defense, and twelve teams have drafted a QB.

At this point, there wasn’t much considerable talent out there to deem too many picks questionable, but I’ll go through a few late-round highlights.

• Amazingly, the first kicker did not go until Ballbusters took Vinatieri at 10.08. I would say that is a product of increasing the draft by 2 rounds. Twelve of the 14 teams drafted their kicker in the 13^th round or later.

• Meatball made a boner by drafting 2 QBs with the same bye week (Brees and Garrard), so he had to go back and draft a 3^rd, Damon Huard. Ugh. Devo was the only other person to draft 3 QBs: Vince Young at 8.09, JP Losman at 10.09, and Joey Harrington at 14.09. Tone Money is the only person to draft just one QB – Matt Hasselbeck at 5.12.

• Ballbusters’ last 3 picks would have been great about 6 or 7 years ago – Eric Moulds, Ron Dayne, and Amani Toomer. OK Dayne never looked great, but those picks made it seem like he reverted back to his fantasy mag from the year 2000. But they were nothing compared to Holland’s last 3 picks – Buckhalter, Tony “Money” Hunt, and perennial selection/waste of a pick Priest Holmes.

• Tone Money also drafted just one defense (Chicago at 4.03). Mike B was the only other brave soul to draft only one D (he took Miami at 8.01). CTRU was the last to take their first defense (Oakland at 11.09) and the last to take their second defense (Cleveland at 14.06). And it shows…

• Possible late-round gems: Tone $ with Jason Witten (13.12), BC Bombers with Jacoby Jones (14.09), RVG with Jesse Chatman (15.04).

Much more to come.....