2010 IFL CHAMPIONSHIP WEEK

IFL CHAMPIONSHIP #18

Ballbusters vs. Razen Kanes - battle of the trophy virgins

 

 

IFL Championship Week officially begins Thursday with a Continental Breakfast (please no stuffing danish in your pockets, Baranowski) followed by Media Day - press conferences with Tone Money (10:30 am) and Ballbusting Bob (11:11 am).  No offense to Bob, but Tone's press conference could be the greatest event in IFL history.  Several media members have already been camping out since last night in front of the Razen Kanes podium.  As if that wasn't enough, Napalm Death co-owner Steven A. Shapiro will be making an anti-Ballbusters speech on the West lawn, also at 11:11 am.

 

Let us revisit, painfully, the resluts of Week 15's semis.

 

Razen Kanes 150, Rich & Creamy 108 

- Peterson not playing for RCN was merely academic, as Tone's Chicago D put up 33 to seal the deal and put Tone in the finals for only the 2nd time.  Tone also got 29 out of Brees and 28 out of Austin Collie?  GTFO.  Rich & Creamy had an overall awful day, as I wasted away in bed with bird flu, only awakening to watch the final minute of the Eagles spectacular comeback.  As for the Nougat players, it was a balanced, but only mediocre attack, led by Matt Ryan with 24, and Maclin with 22.

 

Ballbusters 133, 9 Fingers 109

- Ballbusters getting 35 out of Jason Witten was the dagger for Shu, who got below average performances from superstars Tom Brady (20), Peyton Hillis (10) and Andre Johnson (17).  Matt Forte (10) did not partake in the Bears offensive orgy on Monday night, which was 9 Fingers' last hope.  Calvin Johnson put up 30 and McFadden contributed 22 in an effort full of win for Bob.

 

 

 

and now, the IFL-BCS portion of the email.

 

 

IFL-BCS Semifinals

 

Ponderosa Cowboy Classic

Favre You! over Mud Dogs, 183-66

 

Muffin Top Bowl

Napalm Death over Deadbeats, 153-98

 

 

other Week 15 bullshit

 

Charmin Toilet Seat Cover Bowl - BC Bombers over Hit Squad

Game of Death XVIII - ThunderStruck over Mighty Meatballs

Palin's Moose Knuckle Bowl - PTP over Lizard Kings Stink

 

 

WEEK 16 IFL-BCS/Gang Bang HOLIDAY FESTIVITIES

 

In addition to the excitement surrounding the BCS and non-BCS Bowl games, all 12 teams in the Bowl Games below are eligible for the $20 Week 16 Gang Bang Prize.  Highest score amongst these non-IFL-Championship Teams wins $20.  The IFL-BCS Championship game is also for a separate $20 prize.  

 

***IFL-BCS Championship***

Sum Ting Wong Chinese Buffet Bowl sponsored by Maximum Strength Immodium

Napalm Death vs. Favre You!

 

Other Less Meaningless Bowls

 

Dr Scholl's Foot and Ass Cream Bowl partially funded by Sak's Testicular Clamps

Rich & Creamy Nougat vs. 9 Fingers

 

Transformers 4: More Bullshit Bowl sponsored by Dr. Kervorkian's Carbon Monoxide Inhalers

Deadbeats vs. Mighty Meatballs

 

Newport Lights offers up the Penis Grigio Bowl

Hit Squad vs. Purple Throbbing Pens

 

Rex Ryan Footjob Kickoff Classic

Mud Dogs vs. ThunderStruck

 

* - The 2010 Michael J. Holland Corporate Fantasy Football Roundtable Brown Bag Lunch Discussion

Lizard Kings Stink vs. Bucks County Bombers

 

* - game has been cancelled.  Teams' scores will still count towards the Gang Bang prize.

2010 IFL Regular Season Scoring Leaders

	QUARTERBACKS
	Player	IFL Team	Pts	Avg
1	Rodgers, Aaron QB GB	Mighty Meatballs	361	30.1
2	Rivers, Philip QB SD	Bucks County Bombers	346	28.8
3	Manning, Peyton QB IND	Deadbeats	340	28.3
4	Brees, Drew QB NO	Razen Kanes	334	27.8
5	Brady, Tom QB NE	9 Fingers	331	27.6
6	Orton, Kyle QB DEN	Rich & Creamy Nougat	307	25.6
7	Vick, Michael QB PHI	Favre You!	304	33.8
8	Manning, Eli QB NYG	ThunderStruck	262	21.8
9t	Cassel, Matt QB KC	Mud Dogs	261	21.8
9t	Flacco, Joe QB BAL	Purple Throbbing Pens	261	21.8
9t	Palmer, Carson QB CIN	Ballbusters	261	21.8
	RUNNING BACKS
	Player	IFL Team	Pts	Avg
1	Foster, Arian RB HOU	ThunderStruck	335	27.9
2	Hillis, Peyton RB CLE	9 Fingers	279	23.2
3t	McCoy, LeSean RB PHI	Ballbusters	272	22.7
3t	Peterson, Adrian RB MIN	Rich & Creamy Nougat	272	22.7
5	Jones-Drew, Maurice RB JAC	Mud Dogs	230	19.2
6	Johnson, Chris RB TEN	Napalm Death	225	18.8
7	Gore, Frank RB SF	Hit Squad	222	20.2
8	Charles, Jamaal RB KC	9 Fingers	222	18.5
9t	McFadden, Darren RB OAK	Ballbusters	218	21.8
9t	Forte, Matt RB CHI	9 Fingers	218	18.2
	WIDE RECEIVERS
	Player	IFL Team	Pts	Avg
1	White, Roddy WR ATL	Razen Kanes	269	22.4
2	Bowe, Dwayne WR KC	Napalm Death	253	21.1
3	Lloyd, Brandon WR DEN	Razen Kanes	248	20.7
4	Jennings, Greg WR GB	Rich & Creamy Nougat	245	20.4
5	Johnson, Calvin WR DET	Ballbusters	240	20
6	Wayne, Reggie WR IND	Purple Throbbing Pens	238	19.8
7	Owens, Terrell WR CIN	Ballbusters	237	19.8
8	Johnson, Andre WR HOU	9 Fingers	223	20.3
9	Nicks, Hakeem WR NYG	Mighty Meatballs	211	21.1
10	Johnson, Steve WR BUF	Purple Throbbing Pens	207	17.2
	TIGHT ENDS
	Player	IFL Team	Pts	Avg
1	Gates, Antonio TE SD	Purple Throbbing Pens	199	19.9
2	Davis, Vernon TE SF	Razen Kanes	154	12.8
3	Witten, Jason TE DAL	Ballbusters	153	12.8
4	Pettigrew, Brandon TE DET	Hit Squad	136	11.3
5	Lewis, Marcedes TE JAC	Rich & Creamy Nougat	134	11.2
6t	Cooley, Chris TE WAS	Bucks County Bombers	131	10.9
6t	Gonzalez, Tony TE ATL	9 Fingers	131	10.9
8	Watson, Benjamin TE CLE	9 Fingers	126	10.5
9	Keller, Dustin TE NYJ	9 Fingers	125	10.4
10	Heap, Todd TE BAL	Purple Throbbing Pens	121	10.1
	KICKERS
	Player	IFL Team	Pts	Avg
1	Akers, David K PHI	Hit Squad	132	11
2	Carpenter, Dan K MIA	Lizard Kings Stink	130	10.8
3	Bryant, Matt K ATL	Favre You!	122	10.2
4	Janikowski, Sebastian K OAK	Bucks County Bombers	121	10.1
5	Bironas, Rob K TEN	Favre You!	114	9.5
6	Brown, Josh K STL	Rich & Creamy Nougat	108	9
7	Rackers, Neil K HOU	Purple Throbbing Pens	107	8.9
8t	Folk, Nick K NYJ	Ballbusters	106	8.8
8t	Scobee, Josh K JAC	Mud Dogs	106	8.8
10	Vinatieri, Adam K IND	ThunderStruck	102	8.5
	DEFENSES
	Player	IFL Team	Pts	Avg
1	Giants DST	Rich & Creamy Nougat	224	18.7
2	Steelers DST	Mighty Meatballs	223	18.6
3	Packers DST	Razen Kanes	214	17.8
4	Bears DST	Razen Kanes	212	17.7
5	Raiders DST	Mud Dogs	203	16.9
6	Chargers DST	Deadbeats	197	16.4
7	Eagles DST	Hit Squad	192	16
8	Titans DST	Ballbusters	185	15.4
9	Seahawks DST	Bucks County Bombers	184	15.3
10	Lions DST	Ballbusters	177	14.8

suck mah balls

Week 16 IFL Championship and other games with money on the line

2009 IFL Championship

9 FINGERS vs. BUCKS COUNTY BOMBERS

2009 IFL-BCS Consolation Prize

Napalm Death vs. Purple Throbbing Pens

2009 IFL $20 Gang Bang

All IFL teams eligible for $20 prize, except 9 Fingers and BC Bombers. Highest scoring team wins. Who couldn't use an extra $20 this time of year.

Week 15 IFL Postseason Parade

First the results from last week's action

#1 seed 9 Fingers spackled a hole in his living room wall and installed a new light bulb in the ceiling fan in his kitchen.

#2 seed BC Bombers went cliff diving in Acapulco and made 9 women have orgasms just by looking at them.

>>>Wild Card Games<<<

#3 Dead Beats 138, #6 Ballbusters 101. Chris Johnson = 50. Also, both defenses were worth 30 pts. Kooky.

#5 Notorious RVG 129, #4 Rich & Creamy Nougat 111. As you heard, I left 51 pts on the bench, thanks Eli. Brees had 32 for Gross.

>>>IFL-BCS First Round

Tiger Woods Nutgobbler Bowl: Razen Kanes over Mud Dogs

Dogshit Classic: Napalm Death over Hit Squad

Always Shitty Bowl: Purple Throbbing Pens over Mighty Meatballs

Sarah Palin Bowl: Dragons over Lizard Kings

Here are the Week 15 games...

***IFL Semifinals***

#1 9 Fingers vs. #5 Notorious RVG

(Shu has MJD on Thurs. RVG has Brees (and maybe Barber) on Sat.)

#2 BC Bombers vs. #3 Dead Beats

(BCB has Romo and Pierre on Sat. Chaos has Austin on Sat.)

*BCS Semifinals (these teams are only 2 Wins Away From $20)

Count Chocula Bowl

Razen Kanes vs. Purple Throbbing Pens

Frank's Black Cherry Wishniak Bowl

Napalm Death vs. Dragons

*Meaningless Bowls (outrageous stipulations required by law)

Game of Death XVII

Rich & Creamy vs. Ballbusters

Battle of wild card underacheivers. Winner gets to shave Holland's back and the loser gets paternal custody of Tone Money.

Michael J. Holland Corporate Challenge

Mud Dogs vs. Lizard Kings

All proceeds from beer sales go directly to Holland's lawyer.

K-Y Warming Gel Bowl

Hit Squad vs. Mighty Meatballs

Dreadful fantasy matchup, but for some reason I think these 2 would wage a legendary war in oil wrestling. Ellis, rope off a corner of your basement and lube it up, we're gonna have some rasslin' on Saturday!