DRAFT WEEK - The IFL Interview with John E

Back in June of this year, IFL Headquarters went through some cost-cutting and laid off about 90 employees, (which comprised about 90% of our workforce). Times were tough, and the rest of the staff has been on edge since then. So when I told Lizard Kings owner and IFL Rules Committee member John E to pack his belongings and see me in my office, I thought for sure he’d be shitting his pants. In reality, I was practically joking him, just calling him up for the IFL Interview. But the joke was on me – as he plopped his resignation letter on my $30,000 antique English mahogany desk. But when I told him the truth, that I just wanted to interview him, he quickly rescinded his resignation. I told him it was too late, and to get his ass out of the building by 5pm.
-----------------------------------

IFL: John, thanks for joining us on such short notice. Let's make one thing clear: I ask the questions around here. You have been the gold standard for mediocrity in IFL circles over the years. What can we expect from you this year, another 7-6 season?

JE: Hey it's my pleasure to be here and to be interviewed by the Larry King of this generation. Like I have anything better to do, anyway. But seriously, I take pride in being consistently mediocre - kind of like the crafty #5 starter who nibbles and slops his way to a .500 season in MLB or pretty much everything the Rolling Stones have done post-1973. These days there are few things in life that you can count on being consistently the same every year. I think my IFL track record kind of defies those odds. You know you can pencil me in for between 6 and 8 wins just about every year. Who else can you say that about?

IFL: You have stated emphatically that you would not draft LaDainian Tomlinson #1 overall. How can you possibly justify that statement, and what type of cologne are you wearing? You smell fabulous.

JE: First of all, thank you. I do smell fabulous. But I don't usually wear cologne. In fact, I barely shower, especially during an IFL winning streak. But I do use Vicks Vaporub from time to time. Maybe that's the intoxicating odor you are referring to.

I believe in creating a lot of smokescreens when it comes to draft strategy. And why change the approach after a sterling record of mediocrity over 14 years? A few years ago I ripped McNabb endlessly and then went out and drafted him in the 2nd round. Other years I ripped Randy Moss endlessly and stated I would never draft him in any round any year. And that's pretty much been the case and still is. So, you know, maybe I'll take LT and maybe I won't. Remember when Buddy Ryan spent weeks ripping Keith Byars, Keith Jackson, and Eric Allen leading up to the NFL drafts and then drafted all of them early in the 1st round? We'll find out next weekend.

IFL: Very confusing. Let's just hope you don't get the #1 pick. Now on to more relevant subject matter. Have you ever seen Mike B.'s penis?

JE: No, I've never actually seen it. But its reputation precedes itself. Unfortunately I have witnessed several IFL Gut Contests though. Not pretty.

IFL: Speaking of great bodies... your two older brothers are professional bodybuilders, yet you have the muscle tone of an old woman. Why is there such disparity?

JE: Two words: Beer. My one brother uses vodka as part of his training regimen. Maybe I should try that. Perhaps, Drago would have beaten Rocky if he had ingested more vodka and less steroids.

IFL: If I were to break into your house right now and steal your iPod, what song would be playing?

JE: Hold on let me check (fiddles with iPod for 2 minutes). Dinosaur Jr - "Keep the Glove"

IFL: Do you need a ride to the Draft? I can pick you up around noon.

JE: Yes, thanks. A ride to the draft would be swell. Hopefully between the two of us we'll be commuting with at least 10 IFL wins this season.

IFL: OK I have just one rule. Don't touch my radio! (laughter) Anyway, I am running out of time, I have to catch a flight to Singapore in about an hour. In closing, tell me what your favorite IFL Draft moment of all time was.

JE: That's cool with me. We're usually on the same page with music anyway, except for that Darkness detour you took on me a few summers ago. WTF was that all about?!

My favorite IFL draft moment....hmmm....it's so hard to pick because of every second of every IFL draft is equally great in my eyes. But for the most memorable moment, it had to be the 2001 draft in general. The year of the brownies....Tone Money goes apeshit and then eventually goes to the hospital in an ambulance, several people never make it to the bachelor party, Bob's neighbors call the cops, Bob's fence gets knocked over. And then half of the crew needs to be carried out of Club Risque at the end of the bachelor party. I'm sure those draft memories suck for Bob, since it was at his house. But we'll still be talking about that draft and the ensuing mayhem for years to come.

And the funniest thing was no disciplinary actions could be handed down by the RC, because we had no rules about any of those things back then. Of course now we have a strict conduct clause in our ownership contracts. We needed that to secure our multi-hundred dollar TV deal.

IFL: John, it's been a pleasure as always. I wish you the best in everything you do in life. Except the IFL. Now get the fuck out of my office.