...it's the most wonderful time....of the IFL Year!
That's right, it's Bowl Game season, aka the Real Playoffs. (All games broadcast on the Oxygen Network). All 8 non-playoff teams get a chance to test their mettle against each other in a big sloppy tournament of losers, known as the IFL-Bowl Championship Series. It's a way to keep the losing teams involved after the season (and I'm sure they're excited as hell about that), and it's a way to generate revenue for the IFL. And for the first time ever, this year, at the end, one team, the least crappy of the bunch, the winner of the IFL-BCS Championship, will win a crisp, razor sharp $20 bill, which was minted between the ass cheeks of Ballbustin' Bob once again. Here are the first-round matches, which all begin immediately. Let the trash talk commence.
The Ragu Instant Classic sponsored by Kaopectate
Razen Kanes vs Biff Pocoroba Massacre
Special Stipulation: If RK wins, Tone Money gets to sit in the commissioner's office at IFL Headquarters for one week during the summer (while I am on vacation in Italy). Please do not adjust my chair or I will whip your ass, Tone. If BPM wins, Tone Money must ladel-bathe me in Mickey's Ice Malt Liquor. This is something we've both been talking about for years, and finally! One of our dreams will come true.
Babies R Us Bowl brought to you by Delicious Vinyl Records
Dragons vs Blue Dogs
Special Stipulation: Their passwords to Sportsline must be changed by their kids, and then the kiddies must pick their lineup. Only if the kids reveal the passwords by next year will Wo and Ballbustin' Bob be allowed back in the league, and there's only a 10% I will let them back in anyway because of the new Compliance Regulations regarding the transfer of your passwords or other sensitive IFL Information to an outside party. Subject to a fine of no less than $50,000 and 10 years in a correctional facililililililililility. Lick my ballz.
Oscar Mayer Bologna Bowl fuckin presented to you as a Chanukkah gift from me, Mike Holland (and please, don't get me anything in return)
Dead Beats vs 9 Fingers
Mike Holland was nice enough to pony up a cool $49.9 million to sponsor this Bowl Game, so the winner gets the honor of leaving a log in Holland's stocking. The loser must then floss his teeth with one of Holland's back hairs (which will be plucked by the winner), only after the losing Jew or half-Jew has eaten something un-kosher. Probably some pig's feet, if there are any left in Holland's refrigerator after he watches this game.
"Phit to be Untied": A Traditional Christmas Ballet, and now a Bowl Game, co-spoon-fed to you by Today's Man and Diet Summer's Eve Douche (1/2 the chemicals)
Napalm Death vs Mighty Meatballs
I actually read the book, and it blew away the ballet, so I really can't imagine the Bowl Game being any good, even with the revenge factor after these 2 miserable organizations tied a couple weeks ago. I don't even really remember what happened. And I can't imagine two people caring less about a Bowl Game, so there will be no stipulations, nor will there be any officials onhand to proctor the game. Good luck figuring out who wins.
Next week! The IFL-BCS Semifinals plus 3 other non-BCS Bowl Games, including the Cream of Wheat Bowl, the Nirvana Bowl, and the always-appetizing Dogshit Classic! The fun never ends.
No comments:
Post a Comment