Commissioner's Closing Address to the League

This address was originally dated December 30, 2006.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone for another splendid season of IFL Football, and wish you and your family a Happy, Prosperous, Mischeivious, Promiscuous, and Lascivious New Year. And despite all the rumours and controversy, I am pleased to announce the IFL will be back for it's 15th season in 2007. Whether or not any of you will be asked to return is another story. But rest assured, I am writing a 15th Chapter of my IFL novel (and yes, it's a piece of shit). You will hear from me as details materialize, so check your inboxes in 2007.

Also, I must congratulate our 2006 Champions, the Bucks County Bombers, owned by none other than Christopher T., of the Microsoft Corporation, who is the IFL's first-ever corporate Champion. In only his 2nd season in the IFL, Chris, a noted fantasy phanatic, whose entry into the league was unanimously protested last year, has proven himself a worthy owner. For all his hard work, he will receive a key to Suite 1400 of the IFL Champions Club, whose membership is outrageously exclusive. Indeed.

Furthermore, it is with deep regret that I congratulate Holland and his Hit Squad on their fabulous 12-1 regular season, including a 12-game winning streak to start the season. A feat of such insignificance cannot go unmentioned, but the burning sensation of falling short in the Finals is one that will surely keep Holland up many nights until 7am, doubled over the toilet in agony.

In closing, I can assure you that the IFL Rules Committee will be having many sleepless nights this offseason, forever tinkering with and fondling the rules of our great league. I will keep everyone informed of any changes as they occur, and in fact, will be posting minutes from our RC Meetings on the IFL Blog. Rest assured, we have been keeping track of things that annoyed us during the season, and those items will be discussed at length. We are always trying to improve the league and make it more enjoyable, intense, inclusive, and user-friendly whenever possible. We tried some new things out this past year...some worked well, some didn't. Next year, hopefully things will run much smoother. It's hard to please 14 people all at once (unless your name is Mike B.), but believe me, we try. As always, any suggestions, complaints, feedback, and/or recommendations are welcome.

Once again, I wish everyone a Happy New Year, and have a great and prosperous offseason.

Commissioner
Cambodian Slick