Apologies to PTP and BCB

Unfortunately, the PTP-BCB portion of my Semifinal write-up was accidentally deleted, and I didn't have the time to recreate it. Good luck to both teams.

Cambodian Slick's IFL Semifinal Preview

#4 Notorious RVG (9-5) vs. #1 Hit Squad (12-1)

Season series: Hit Squad took the only meeting this season between these 2 dopes, a 105-69 win in Week 12.
All-time series: Holland leads, 8-6
All-time playoff head-to-head: The 2 owners have never met in the playoffs.
Career Playoff records: Holland, 5-3 (1996 Champion); RVG 4-6.
Playoff appearances: This is Holland 5th appearance in the Playoffs. It is RVG's 7th appearance.

For the first time this year, Hit Squad finds themselves coming off a loss, after running off 12 straight wins to open the season, which is considered by many the greatest regular season feat in IFL history. He matches only Napalm Death of 2000, who also went 12-1. However, ND lost in the championship that year. For Hit Squad to meet the same fate would be a bitter disappointment, to say the least. But first, they must get past an explosive Notorious RVG squad.

Hit Squad has annihilated competition this year, winning its games by an average margin of 55 points. They scored 1711 points during the regular season (132 ppg), which in my estimation, is the greatest regular season of all time. His lineup is filled with fantasy superstars such as Westbrook and Chad Johnson, both 1st team All-Intensers, and he had the #1 QB in the IFL (McNabb) until his untimely demise. Not to mention as the team with the last free agent pickup every week, he somehow managed to snag the FA pickup of the year, Marques Colston. And last I heard, Holland was close to discovering cures for both cancer and AIDS (which he undoubtedly contracted from one of the scores of hookers he's bought with his league winnings). What a great team, and a great man. And guess what? None of that means jack shit now. One loss, and he's done. A mere footnote on the 2006 IFL season, while some other clown gets his name on the Trophy.

He goes into battle with solid but unspectacular Jeff Garcia at QB. Garcia has not put up the lofty numbers of his predecessor, but he's been OK, putting up 15, 35, and 16 in his three starts. Against the Giants at the Meadowlands in a game with huge playoff implications, he will be tested. Westbrook should be good for his usual 20ish a game, and Chad Johnson could light up the Colts papier mache defense for a big night. As of now Colston is not in his starting lineup, but I suspect he will be come Sunday vs. the Redskins and their weak D. WR Lee Evans has had a couple nice games this year (and one HUGE one), but for the most part he's been average. Then you have either Travis Henry or Alge Crumpler as the 6th man in the lineup, and this is where the hole in the lineup could be. Henry is listed as questionable for a tough game vs. the Jags, so it might be Crumpler in there, who has had one good game and then been subpar for the rest of the year. Hit Squad's Bears D could be the X-factor though. They play against a putrid Tampa Bay offense. Potential exists for a 40-point game out of Da Bears D.


As for RVG, it's been a bittersweet season. On a personal note, he's played his last game in the cozy urban confines of Philadelphia, as he will leave this offseason for his new headquarters in Souderton, PA (aka Bumblefuck). This alone has caused much stress for the Whole F*ckin Dope, but adding to his headache is the fact that he had the Central Division by the gonads after Week 11, but lost his last 2, dropping the division to BC Bombers and falling to the #4 seed. Luckily for RVG, his Wild Card opponent was the limp Lizard Kings led by their controversial GM, John E. The Kings promptly laid down as usual and RVG moved on. This week offers a much more stern test.

If last year's game against Cincinnati is any indication of how Peyton Manning is going to perform, RVG is in good shape. However, Manning has been going through one of the toughest phases of his NFL career lately, with the Colts losing 3 of their last 4 after opening the season 9-0, and some people starting to question Big Brother Peyton. Going in the opposite direction lately is rookie sensation Reggie Bush. He has busted out for a couple big games after a quiet start to his IFL career. However, other matchups don't seem to be in RVG's favor. Andre Johnson could be in for a tough matchup vs. New England, while his 2 starting TEs, Gonzo (SD) and Winslow (Balt) each face difficult defenses. And starting RB Kevin Jones is now out for the season, so WR Santonio Holmes is inserted in the RVG lineup. Not much is expected from Holmes. On the defensive side of the ball, the Giants are at home vs. the Eagles, who have been doing an excellent job taking care of the football lately. Add in the fact that Strahan is out for the game, and their pass rush looks very suspect.

I can see Manning coming back and having a nice game, but I just don't think it's going to be enough to stay with the Hit Squad. Bears D should obliterate the Bucs, and that might kill any chance RVG has. Keep in mind that RVG's Manning and Hit Squad's Chad Johnson, are each playing on Monday night, so it is highly doubtful that this game will be decided until the wee hours of Tuesday morning, so we should be in for an exciting edition of MNF. Other national TV players are Hit Squad TE Crumpler (Saturday night), RVG TE Gonzalez (Sunday night), Garcia and Westbrook (4pm Sunday) and RVG's Giants D (4pm Sunday).

Prediction: Hit Squad by 25.
CommGuru sez: Hit Squad by 21.

IFL-BCS First Round results and Week 15 Bowl schedule

Even though we're living in a corporate world going to a corporate hell in a corporate handbasket (by Gucci), there were 4 very important football games played last week. Let me tell you about them.

But first, Stop over at Pocoroba Toyota, where you can lease a 2007 Camry for only $299 a month ($1999 down tax tags and title not included everyone is guaranteed to be approved not a guarantee)!!! And get free coffee and donuts while you wait for us to wash and dry your new 2007 Camry, only $299 a month! Pocoroba Toyota, you oughta go to Pocoroba Toyota.


Ragu Instant Classic sponsored by Kaopectate
Biff Pocoroba Massacre over Razen Kanes by 31

Cue up the ladel bath. And BPM had the high score for the week out of all teams playing, including the dopey playoff teams. Tone Money falls to the laughingstock of the IFL regular season for the 2nd time in 3 weeks. I guess he's not laughing now. Oh wait he's the Damn Best, he can laugh whenever he wants.


Babies R Us Bowl brought to you by Delicious Vinyl Records
Blue Dogs over Dragons by 21

This is when Ballbuster Bob is at his best - when the games mean the least. Dragons failure of a season continues.


Oscar Mayer Bologna Bowl fuckin presented to you as a Chanukkah gift from me, Mike Holland (and please, don't get me anything in return)
Nine Fingers over Dead Beats by 23

Thanks again to Holland for sponsoring this fight-filled debacle, or basically, thanks for nothing. Never again will we accept an I.O.U. as payment from a sponsor.


"Phit to be Untied"...
Napalm Death over Mighty Meatballs by 8

Rumor has it this may be the last we've seen of both teams in the IFL. I am expecting at least one resignation on my desk by Thursday at 9am. Assuming it will get buried in my in-bin like the rest of the junk, I will respond no later than 2011.


Which brings us to the Week 15 Bowl Games. All five of them.

Nirvana Bowl sponsored by CVS brand Heel Balm (IFL-BCS Semifinal)
Biff Pocoroba Massacre vs. Blue Dogs

Blue Dogs will be mailing in the plays from DisneyWorld. BPM will be mailing them in from Swingers Camp at Club Hedonism in Jamaica (I am going there for business).


Mr T Experience Bowl bringed to you by the Skool Distrct; uv Filladelhpia (IFL-BCS Semifinal)
Nine Fingers vs. Napalm Death

Winner gets a $1 shopping spree at the Dollar Store (taxx not included!), and a copy of MTX's classic 1988 LP "Big Black Bugs Bleed Blue Blood" on blue vinyl (valued at $150).


And now for the crappy non-BCS games.

3rd Annual Dogshit Classic by Mennen
Lizard Kings vs. Mud Dogs

You know this one. Loser eats dog doo-doo. Don't bitch, Holland lost this game 2 years in a row and he turned out fine. Just look at him.


Mr. and Mrs. "Down To Earth" Jay Shapiro cordially invite you to the Bowl Game between Dragons and Dead Beats sponsored by and played at 1110 Sansom St.

Game starts promptly at 5pm. Rabbi Moishe Martorelli will be presiding. Mazeltov!


Man I hate when sponsors take up the whole name of the Bowl Game
(Mighty Meatballs vs. Razen Kanes)

Due to contractual reasons, I am not allowed to talk about this bowl. In fact, I probably just said too much.

WE ARE DOPES!!!!!!!!

I should have taken Wo-Man's advice and trademarked the name back in '93.

http://www.intensefootballleague.net/

We are NOT affiliated with this league in any way. We are way better than this garbage.

IFL Wild Card Results

Notorious RVG 107, Lizard Kings 70
Still no title in John E town, as the Lizard Kings whimper meekly off into the night. RVG clinched it on Sunday night with Reggie Bush's 2nd straight outstanding performance, worth 35. Peyton Manning also chipped in with 20, and Kevin Jones scored 14 despite rushing for negative yardage. The bad news there is, Jones is now out for the year with a foot injury. For Lizard Kings, the playoff game started wonderfully with Willie Parker's 29 on Thursday night...hard to imagine that the rest of his team could only muster up 41 points. What a titanic dodo egg. Only his San Diego D was worth double digits out of the rest of his team. RVG will meet 12-1 Hit Squad in the Semis, whereas L-Kings move on to a non-BCS Bowl game.

BC Bombers 107, Mud Dogs 96
Let's be clear. BC Bombers won this game despite their owner Chris T. CT boneheadedly started CT (RB Chester Taylor), who was inactive on Sunday. Then, in another questionable managerial move, started Vick over Hasselbeck at QB...Vick was worth 1, while Hasselbeck was worth 29. This game was not clinched for BCB until Monday night, when Steven Jackson put up a 35-bomb vs. the Bears D. In another stroke of luck for the Bombers, they were playing a far inferior opponent, the most mediocre of the playoff teams, Mud Dogs. The Dogs put up a valiant effort, led by McNair (23) and T.J. Houshmandzadeh (26), but there were far too many black holes in that lineup to compete. Players such as Wali Lundy and Matt Jones (both worth 1) are barely worthy of appearing on an IFL roster, let alone starting in a Playoff game. BCB now has a date with long-time adversary Mike B (read: he's jealous) and the 11-2 Part Time Pimps in the Semis. Mike P and the Mud Dogs, their season ending in disgrace for the 14th straight year, will appear in a locally blacked out non-BCS Bowl game.

Wild Card Wackiness: Wild Card winners RVG and BCB each put up 107 points. In case it ever comes to this (I pray to Jesus every night that this doesn't happen), here are the Playoff game tiebreakers, according to the IFL Constitution (which is about as obsolete as the United States Constitution), Article III, Section D, Parts 1 and 2:

d) Playoff GameTiebreakers:
1) Total NFL value of TDs, FGs, XP, 2 pt conv. scored by starting lineup (inlcuding defensive and return TDs) (all TDs worth 6, FGs worth 3, etc)
2) Most IFL points by highest remaining draft pick in starting lineup

So according to Part 2, each player still has their 1st round pick in action, so that is the tiebreaker:

Hit Squad - Brian Westbrook
RVG - Peyton Manning

Part Time Pimps - LT
BC Bombers - Steven Jackson

Stay tuned to the IFL Blog for a Semifinal Preview, as well as the IFL-BCS first round recap and Week 15 menu of Bowl Stew. Yummyyyyyy.

IFL Wild Card status - heading into Sunday night

Lizard Kings 70, Notorious RVG 70
Wow. Lizard Kings have MB3 on Sunday night, and RVG has Bush. RVG can clinch the win tonight, but if he still trails, he has Jeff Wilkins on Monday night. And I think that could be the difference. LK could not capitalize on the huge head start which was Willie Parker's big night on Thursday. No one in double digits today except for his SD D.

Mud Dogs 96, BC Bombers 72
The big story here is BCB owner Chris T's potentially fatal boner, leaving Chester Taylor in his lineup when Taylor was announced as OUT this morning. He better use that #3 seed money to get a better alarm clock. Anyway, Mud Dogs are finished, so BCB needs a combined 25 out of Gramatica on SNF and Steven Jackson on MNF. Definitely doable, but Jackson going against the Bears D is cause for concern. For the record, BCB didn't have much help on his bench that would have made a difference (LJ Smith's 9 was the best he had to offer), but a close loss could cause years of nightmares for Chris T.

2006 IFL Reality Bytes - What Ever Happened

Thanks to my mid-season Blog neglect/mental breakdown, we lost track of our IFL Survivor/Dancing With the Stars/Big Brother, or whatever the F reality parody we were calling it. It actually turned out pretty interesting. Let's take a look at who survived and won the grand prize of 1 million Biff Bucks (official IFL currency).

For those of you who forget, here's a quick Rules Refresher. Lowest IFL score for the week, out of all remaining participants, gets you kicked out of the survivor series. Highest scoring survivor of the week gets immunity, which means they can't get kicked off the island the following week.

Week 1
Eliminated: Dead Beats (46)
Immunity: BC Bombers (139)

Week 2
Eliminated: Lizard Kings (66)
Immunity: BC Bombers (124)

Week 3
Eliminated: 9 Fingers (59)
Immunity: Biff Pocoroba Massacre (155)

Week 4
Eliminated: Mighty Meatballs (59)
Immunity: Hit Squad/Razen Kanes (123)

Week 5
Eliminated: Mud Dogs (51)
Immunity: Hit Squad (143)

Week 6
Eliminated: BP Massacre (39)
Immunity: Blue Dogs (168)

Week 7
Eliminated: Razen Kanes (77)
Immunity: Hit Squad (171)

Week 8
Eliminated: Blue Dogs (59)
Immunity: Hit Squad (128)

Week 9
Eliminated: Napalm Death (77)
Immunity: Part Time Pimps (148)

Week 10
Eliminated: Dragons (52)
Immunity: Hit Squad (170)

Now only the final 4 remain: Part Time Pimps, Hit Squad, BC Bombers, and Notorious RVG.

Week 11
Eliminated: Part Time Pimps (72 in a win)
Immunity: Hit Squad (190)

Now it basically comes down to BCB vs. RVG since Hit Squad has immunity.

Week 12
Eliminated: Notorious RVG (69)

Which set the stage for the ultimate elimination match in Week 13: Hit Squad vs. BC Bombers. And what happened in the Week 13 IFL Games??? BCB won, Hit Squad lost. So how about the scores?

BC Bombers beat Notorious RVG, 122-109
Part Time Pimps beat Hit Squad, 126-123

So Hit Squad is the 2006 Reality champion, winning by 1 friggin point in Week 13! Now I'm really sorry I didn't keep up with this, because it woulda been a blast. Next year, maybe we'll throw in a couple bucks to the winner....after all, as Teddy KGB said, "I'm paying you with your own money". Anyway, congrats to Holland, he is the biggest twinkletoes of the bunch.

Key players in IFL Wild Card games going on Thurs nite

Lizard Kings - PIT RB Willie Parker (starting)

BC Bombers - PITT DEF (starting)

Also, Notorious RVG has TE Kellen Winslow on his bench.

2006 IFL MVP and All-Intense Teams

Congratulations to the 2006 IFL MVP, none other than Part Time Pimps RB LaDainian Tomlinson. LT was a consensus Top 3 pick heading into the draft, and he was selected #2 overall by PTP, and he has led them to an impressive 11-2 record and a 1st-round bye. To say he's having one of the most dominating fantasy seasons of all time is probably a vast understatement. He won MVP honors by virtue of his 392 points during the IFL regular season, for an astounding 32.6 points per game. His closest competition, Drew Brees, finished the regular season 99 points behind Tomlinson. For this honor, Tomlinson receives a Rolex watch (from the Eskin Collection), courtesy of the Canal St. Pawn Shop in Lower Manhattan, and a pat on the ass from PTP owner Mike B.

And now, for the All-Intense teams. These guys were the most intense, and highest scoring, players in the IFL in 2006.

ALL-INTENSE FIRST TEAM

QB - Drew Brees - 293 (Napalm Death)
RB - LaDainian Tomlinson - 392 (Part Time Pimps) - 2006 IFL MVP
RB - Larry Johnson - 284 (Dead Beats)
RB - Brian Westbrook - 263 (Hit Squad)
WR - Chad Johnson - 215 (Hit Squad)
WR - Steve Smith - 195 (Lizard Kings)
K - Robbie Gould - 143 (Part Time Pimps)
D - Chicago Bears - 301 (Hit Squad)


2nd Team

QB - Peyton Manning - 279 (Notorious RVG)
RB - Steven Jackson - 239 (B.C. Bombers)
RB - Frank Gore - 215 (B.C. Bombers)
RB - Willie Parker - 188 (Lizard Kings)
WR - Reggie Wayne - 189 (Dead Beats)
WR - Andre Johnson - 186 (Notorious RVG)
K - Jeff Wilkins - 130 (Notorious RVG)
D - Baltimore Ravens (Biff Pocoroba Massacre)

3rd Team

QB - Donovan McNabb - 260 (Hit Squad)
RB - Tiki Barber - 184 (Napalm Death)
RB - Chester Taylor - 178 (B.C. Bombers)
RB - Kevin Jones - 178 (Notorious RVG)
WR - Torry Holt - 186 (Blue Dogs)
WR - Marvin Harrison - 184 (Dragons)
K - Nate Kaeding - 113 (Mud Dogs)
D - San Diego Chargers - 222 (Lizard Kings)

Honorable Mention

Top scoring TE - Tony Gonzalez - 137 (Notorious RVG)

Highest-scoring non-drafted player (F.A. Pickup of the Year) - WR Marques Colston - 169 (Hit Squad)


IFL Draft 1st Round Review

1. Dead Beats - RB Larry Johnson - 284
2. Part Time Pimps - RB LaDainian Tomlinson - 392
3. Mighty Meatballs - RB Shaun Alexander - 58
4. Napalm Death - RB Tiki Barber - 184
5. Mud Dogs - RB Ronnie Brown - 130
6. B.C. Bombers - RB Steven Jackson - 239
7. Notorious RVG - QB Peyton Manning - 279
8. Nine Fingers - WR Randy Moss - 79
9. Blue Dogs - WR Torry Holt - 186
10. Lizard Kings - WR Steve Smith - 195
11. Biff Pocoroba Massacre - RB Edgerrin James - 105
12. Razen Kanes - RB Cadillac Williams - 80
13. Dragons - WR Marvin Harrison - 184
14. Hit Squad - RB Brian Westbrook - 263

Robbing Peter to pay Paul and other IFL Notes

Due to the underestimation of the cost required to upkeep the IFL trophy and update it with the champion's trimmings, there is a change in the playoff payouts. The Championship Game loser will now get $100 instead of $140. This will help offset the cost of the trophy (part of the total league fees - $30 - have already been deducted for this purpose), and besides, essentially making the Championship Game loser partially pay for the winner's trophy adds a nice touch. The champion's winnings are unchanged - they will get $400 for a total Championship prize pool of $500. The other playoff prizes will also stay the same.


IFL NEWS AND NOTES

• 5 of the 6 playoff teams have never won the Plaque/Trophy. Chances are good for a first-time winner, eh? Think again...the only former champ still alive is #1 seed, 12-1 Hit Squad, who won his only title exactly 10 years ago with one of the great teams of all time.

• Don't forget - when all hope is lost, in Week 16, all non-championship participants will be involved in a Battle Royale where the highest scoring team wins yet another shitstained $20 from Ballbusting Robert. This is in addition to the crusty $20 for the IFL-BCS Champion, of course (IFL-BCS Championship participants are also eligible for the $20 prize for high score).

2006 IFL-BCS - First round

...it's the most wonderful time....of the IFL Year!

That's right, it's Bowl Game season, aka the Real Playoffs. (All games broadcast on the Oxygen Network). All 8 non-playoff teams get a chance to test their mettle against each other in a big sloppy tournament of losers, known as the IFL-Bowl Championship Series. It's a way to keep the losing teams involved after the season (and I'm sure they're excited as hell about that), and it's a way to generate revenue for the IFL. And for the first time ever, this year, at the end, one team, the least crappy of the bunch, the winner of the IFL-BCS Championship, will win a crisp, razor sharp $20 bill, which was minted between the ass cheeks of Ballbustin' Bob once again. Here are the first-round matches, which all begin immediately. Let the trash talk commence.

The Ragu Instant Classic sponsored by Kaopectate
Razen Kanes vs Biff Pocoroba Massacre

Special Stipulation: If RK wins, Tone Money gets to sit in the commissioner's office at IFL Headquarters for one week during the summer (while I am on vacation in Italy). Please do not adjust my chair or I will whip your ass, Tone. If BPM wins, Tone Money must ladel-bathe me in Mickey's Ice Malt Liquor. This is something we've both been talking about for years, and finally! One of our dreams will come true.

Babies R Us Bowl brought to you by Delicious Vinyl Records
Dragons vs Blue Dogs

Special Stipulation: Their passwords to Sportsline must be changed by their kids, and then the kiddies must pick their lineup. Only if the kids reveal the passwords by next year will Wo and Ballbustin' Bob be allowed back in the league, and there's only a 10% I will let them back in anyway because of the new Compliance Regulations regarding the transfer of your passwords or other sensitive IFL Information to an outside party. Subject to a fine of no less than $50,000 and 10 years in a correctional facililililililililility. Lick my ballz.

Oscar Mayer Bologna Bowl fuckin presented to you as a Chanukkah gift from me, Mike Holland (and please, don't get me anything in return)
Dead Beats vs 9 Fingers

Mike Holland was nice enough to pony up a cool $49.9 million to sponsor this Bowl Game, so the winner gets the honor of leaving a log in Holland's stocking. The loser must then floss his teeth with one of Holland's back hairs (which will be plucked by the winner), only after the losing Jew or half-Jew has eaten something un-kosher. Probably some pig's feet, if there are any left in Holland's refrigerator after he watches this game.

"Phit to be Untied": A Traditional Christmas Ballet, and now a Bowl Game, co-spoon-fed to you by Today's Man and Diet Summer's Eve Douche (1/2 the chemicals)
Napalm Death vs Mighty Meatballs

I actually read the book, and it blew away the ballet, so I really can't imagine the Bowl Game being any good, even with the revenge factor after these 2 miserable organizations tied a couple weeks ago. I don't even really remember what happened. And I can't imagine two people caring less about a Bowl Game, so there will be no stipulations, nor will there be any officials onhand to proctor the game. Good luck figuring out who wins.

Next week! The IFL-BCS Semifinals plus 3 other non-BCS Bowl Games, including the Cream of Wheat Bowl, the Nirvana Bowl, and the always-appetizing Dogshit Classic! The fun never ends.

2006 IFL Playoffs

Put another regular season in the books for the IFL. Thanks to just about everyone and congrats to the 6 lucky bastards who made the playoffs.

1. Hit Squad (12-1) - West Division Champs - $170
2. Part Time Pimps (11-2) - East Division Champs - $150

3. B.C. Bombers (9-4) - Central Division Champs - $130
4. Notorious RVG (8-5) - Wild Card #1 - $60
5. Lizard Kings (8-5) - Wild Card #2 - $50
6. Mud Dogs (7-6) - Wild Card #3 - $40


Let the games begin.

Week 14 - Wild Card Playoffs

(5) Lizard Kings vs. (4) Notorious RVG
*(6) Mud Dogs vs. (3) Bucks County Bombers

*- BC Bombers home field unavailable due to the annual Christmas pageant being held there, therefore game will be played in Jonestown, Guyana.


So much more to come. Seriously. Do NOT miss it. Bookmark this page immediately.

Week 13 Monday Night Massacre - Playoff Implications

The battle for the #6 seed comes down to tonight. Mud Dogs and Razen Kanes have each won, they are both 7-6 and tied for the final playoff spot. They did not play during the season, so it comes down to total points. As of now, Kanes lead Mud Dogs, 1130-1120. TONIGHT - Mud Dogs have Keyshawn, they need him to be worth 11. Not 10 - if he's worth 10, then we go to the next tiebreaker, which is Most Points Allowed (essentially, strength of schedule).... which Kanes lead there, again by the slimmest of margins, 1187-1183, and those point totals are final. Once again, this has been posted in the League Constitution on the website, that this is the next tiebreaker. Who'd have ever thought it could possibly come down to that, though.

Now, in the Central, nothing decided yet, although it does look like Lizard Kings are going to lose to Blue Dogs and be the #5 seed. They trail by 51 heading into tonight, and they have Steve Smith, but BD has Delhomme. You can pretty much wrap this one up.

In the big BC Bombers-RVG game, it will definitely come down to tonite. BCB currently leads 122-105, but RVG has the Panthers D. They need to put up 18 for RVG to win the Central Division title and the #3 seed. If they score 17 and the game is a tie, BCB will win the division by virtue of their head-to-head victory in Week 2.

To summarize:

Carolina DEF scores 18 or more = RVG is the #3, BCB is the #4
Carolina DEF scores 17 or less = BCB is the #3, RVG is the #4
Keyshawn scores 11 or more = Mud Dogs are the #6 seed
Keyshawn scores 10 or less = Razen Kanes are the #6 seed

So next week's playoffs will be:
#3 (RVG or BCB) vs. #6 (MD or RK)
#4 (BCB or RVG) vs. #5 Lizard Kings

#1 Hit Squad and #2 Part Time Pimps have a bye week and will resume their quest for greatness in Week 15.

It is also worth noting that Hit Squad RB Brian Westbrook needs to put up 24 points tonight for Hit Squad to win their game vs. PTP, and finish the regular season a perfect 13-0, at which point we can officially end the IFL, because I don't want to exist in a world where Holland is perfect. Un-effing-real. GO PIMPS!

IFL-BCS Seedings announced tomorrow!!!!

Playoff Scenario heading into Week 13

WHAT WE KNOW

We know that Hit Squad (12-0, West Champs) is the #1 seed and Part Time Pimps (10-2, East Champs) are the #2 seed, and they will have Week 14 off. I'm sure they will undoubtedly spend their vacation on a weekend ski trip, so they can snuggle with each other by the fire. Congrats homos. Hit Squad receives $170 for their troubles, and PTP receives $150. By the way, it's a completely meaningless game, but they play each other in Week 13. That is, if you consider Holland trying to be the first to go 13-0 meaningless.

We also know that BC Bombers, Notorious RVG, and Lizard Kings (all 8-4) have all clinched a playoff spot. See below for their breakdown.


CENTRAL SHAKEDOWN - 3, 4, 5 SEEDS

Now for the meat and potatoes section of the playoffs. We know who the #3, #4, and #5 seeds are, we just don't know in which order they'll fall. And they are the three teams tied atop the Central at 8-4 - B.C. Bombers, Lizard Kings, and Notorious RVG. All formidable foes. Regardless, they've already clinched that they're going to be playing in Week 14, so basically the main prize here is the money for the division ($130 as opposed to $70 or $60), as well as the #3 seed's privelege of playing the #6 seed, a considerable dropoff this season. And the two non-division winners will play each other in the 4 vs. 5 Wild Card game in Week 14. Here's how it will shake down:

BCB and RVG play each other in Week 13, so that simplifies things somewhat. The loser of that game will be 8-5 and will not win the division.

Lizard Kings play Blue Dogs. If they lose, they won't win the division, and the winner of BCB-RVG wins it. For simplicity's sake, let's hope Lizard Kings lose.

However, if LK wins... we will have a tiebreaker situation. If BCB beats RVG, LK will win the division based on the head-to-head tiebreaker (LK swept BCB). If RVG wins, we will have to go to the 3rd tiebreaker, total points (LK and RVG split, and they will both have a 5-3 division record). As of now, RVG has a 76-point lead over LK...so unless LK goes completely apeshit, it looks like an RVG-LK tie will go to RVG.

To summarize:

• LK wins, RVG wins = RVG wins division (probably).
• LK wins, BCB wins = LK wins division.
• LK loses, RVG wins = RVG wins division.
• LK loses, BCB wins = BCB wins division.

Whoever is the 4 or 5 seed doesn't matter, except for the purposes of money, as they'll be playing each other anyway.

#6 SEED - 4 DOPES

Here, we have 4 teams fighting for 1 spot. Razen Kanes and Mud Dogs are both 6-6, while Dragons and Dead Beats are both 5-7 (amazingly still alive).

Razen Kanes (6-6) play Dragons (5-7) in Week 13. Also, Mud Dogs (6-6) take on BPM, while Dead Beats (5-7) take on Meatballs.

Obviously, either RK or MD can take the #6 seed by winning and the other losing. However, if they both win, we have to go to the total points tiebreaker, since they did not meet during the season. And as of now, RK leads MD by a slim margin, of only 6 points, 1033-1027. The next tiebreaker after that is Most Points Against (strength of schedule) - this according to the Constitution on the IFL web site. MD has 1121 PA, RK has 1092 PA.

Now, regarding the two 5-7 teams (Dragons/DB), obviously, if one of the 6-6 teams win, they're both out regardless. Or if they lose themselves, they're obviously out. The only possible way these two dopes would become involved in a tiebreaker is if they win and both RK and MD lose (Dragons play RK, remember, so that game would complete 33% of the equation). So there would have to be at least a 3-way tiebreaker. And since both RK and MD would be involved, and they didn't play each other, the tiebreaker would be - highest total points amongst all teams tied at 6-7. And surprisingly, the 5-7 teams hold that advantage as of now. Here's how it stacks up after 12 weeks:

Dragons 1128
Dead Beats 1105
Razen Kanes 1033
Mud Dogs 1027

To summarize:

MD wins, RK wins = tiebreaker decides #6 seed
MD wins, RK loses = MD is #6 seed
MD loses, RK wins = RK is #6 seed
MD and RK lose, Dragons win, DB loses = 3-way total pts tiebreaker decides #6 seed (MD/RK/Drag)
MD and RK lose, Dragons and DB win = 4-way total pts tiebreaker decides #6 seed (MD/RK/Drag/DB)

It's that simple.

And I almost forgot, here's the Playoff Money breakdown, by seed:

1 - $170 (Hit Squad)
2 - $150 (PTP)
3 - $130
4 - $70
5 - $60
6 - $50

IFL Champion = $400
Runner-up = $140

IFL Week 11 Monday Night Diarrhea

The following games have HUGE fantasy implications!!!!!

Dead Beats 74, Biff Pocoroba Massacre 62
(DB has Reg. Williams, BPM has Jones-Drew)
Does anyone care about this game? I guess Dead Beats are still in the hunt for the #6 seed, so I guess this is somewhat noteworthy. For the Beats, LJ was worth 28 and Wayne worth 25...so do the math and you can figure how the rest of the team did. For Biff, it was the usual slop led by Thomas Jones' 15. A comeback win is not out of the question tonight, and it would certainly put a nail in King Chaos' coffin. Keep in mind that we are in an even-numbered year, in which Dead Beats always blow moosecock (yet they win titles in odd-numbered years). If DB wins, they will be 5-6 and still alive, if not he'll be 4-7 and dead in the water. Biff needs a win to keep pace with Mighty Meatballs.

Napalm Death 84, Mighty Meatballs 72
(ND has Tiki; MM has Plaxico)
I thought my game was bad.... 2 horseshit teams here. The best possible result is ND going to 4-7 and Meatballs falling to a career-best 2-9.


These games are ovah.

Part Time Pimps 72, Mud Dogs 67
(FINAL)
Wow - this has to be one of the most unusual games in IFL history. PTP was putting up an all-time clunker until LT completely bailed them out on Sunday night, putting up 51, an amazing 70% of his team's output for the week. Don't cry for MudDogs, they didn't deserve to win either, with their Dolphins D putting up the majority of their points, with 27. Congrats to PTP, who clinches the East, going to 9-2. MudDogs fall back in the pack at 5-6.

Razen Kanes 104, BC Bombers 100
(FINAL)
A big win for Tone Money as he goes to 6-5. This was all Patriots, as Brady (38) and the Pats D (31) provided much of the Kanes' punch. The Bombers fell short despite the great day for Frank Gore (28)...but if he only had a TD to go with those 212 rushing yards! BCB falls back in the crowded Central to 7-4, still very much in the playoff picture.

Notorious RVG 101, Lizard Kings 97
(FINAL)
Oh poor Ellis. He had a chance to take the Central division by the balls, but Javon Walker came up small, with only 6 in the Sunday nighter. He had a well-balanced attack led by who else, Steve Smith's 21. The Notorious one was led by the Carolina D (42), one of many D's in the league who had big days yesterday. In this Game of the Week (it woulda been had I posted one), Gross takes a 1-game lead in the Central at 8-3, while Lizard Kings fall back to 7-4 tied with BC Bombers.

9 Fingers 63, Blue Dogs 48
(9F had Eli; BD is done)
More manure-like substances in this battle of the Central lesser-thans. Shu is 4-7, Blue is 3-8. Time to start checking the mail for Bowl Game invitations. The Cambodian Leaf Blower Bowl sponsored by Lincoln Financial Ass-ets awaits.

Hit Squad 190, Dragons 43
(HS is done; Dragons have F Taylor and Jags DEF)
Dragons started the wrong Bell! Tatum was inactive and Mike Bell put up 20. This surely would've been the difference and Wo should have won. Meanwhile, back in fantasy land, Holland has set a new IFL record for most consecutive wins to start a season, maybe the record for most consecutive wins ever, I'll have to check the archives. It's getting ridiculous. The only hope for us all is that the McNabb injury will slow the Hit Squad down. Yesterday's numbers - Lee Evans 62, Chad Johnson 50, T Henry 29, Westbrook 27. Sickening. HS is 11-0 and has clinched a bye. Their magic number for the 1 seed is 1, but an interesting matchup looms in Week 13, when he faces off against his cousin's PTPs in an incestual orgy of bloated fantasy numbers, large cocks, and hairy backs, that could actually be for the #1 seed if Holland loses next week and Mike B wins. As for Dragons, the timing couldn't be any worse. First they lose the midterm elections, then Wo finds out his son's projected height at adulthood is only going to be 6'7 3/4", and now they are officially eliminated from the West Division race at 5-6.

2006 TURKEY OF THE YEAR CANDIDATES

The holiday season is here, which means the IFL season is winding down, but Turkey season is in full gear. It's the 2nd most time-honored tradition in the IFL (after the Gut Contest) - the 2006 Turkey of the Year award!!!! Go to the IFL website and vote! F those other elections, this is where it's at. Whoever wins Turkey of the Year will set the tone for the next decade in Congress.

Here is a list of the 10 nominees, in no particular order.

Mike B. He's loud, obnoxious, full of himself, he's a well-known complainer, and let us not forget Frankiegate. AND HIS CAPS OBSESSION. To his credit, he's come into the IFL and been a force...but that's just another reason Turkski's a strong candidate for Turk, because we're going to have to hear about his fantasy greatness.

RVG. A perennial candidate, the Whole Fucking Turk is selling out by moving out of the city. Who the hell would do that. The GI Meter hasn't been as off the charts as in previous years, but he just confirmed that the Phillies got Soriano and McNabb is probable for next week's game at Indi.

Holland. The good news is, Holland finally learned how to use a computer. The bad news - our lives are all worse because Holland uses the computer. Add in the fact that he's 11-0 in the IFL and we'll never hear the end of it...and you have yourself a big fat Turkey with all the trimmings. Make sure you pluck the feathers though.

Meatball. Meatballs are traditionally not a Thanksgiving dish, but Joey has been one of the more controversial stories in the IFL this year, and could very well be a top contender for the poultry. Anyone who he's screwed by starting injured players or by his general incompetence and apathy toward the IFL (he's 3-20 so far in his career) will be compelled to vote for him.

Snyder. Don't be fooled by the new team name, he's still as big a Ballbuster as ever, and a big prick too. His legendary email feuds were as heated as ever this year, including the Borski CAPS incident, and the various arguments with Shu. Since he's never short on enemies in the IFL, you have to consider Snyde as prime Turk material.

Tone Money. Tone Turkey is always a good time, either on the fantasy field or at the Turkey Day dinner table (where he will be with me this year at my grandpa's house). However, we only see the Damn Best about once or twice a year any more, because he's too busy partying in Europe or hitting the night clubs in New York City. So we're just going to assume he's been the Damn Turk all year, and throw him a nomination.

Shu. This former Turkey winner may not have had his greatest year by Turk standards, but let us not forget, he is Shu, which is always good for Turkey points. The Italian Kosher Turkey spent a couple weeks in Thailand playing a little me-so-horny with the Thai women, and also getting anally raped. Good news - any incidents that take place outside the country still count toward Turkey eligibility!

Shap. This member of the Turk Hall of Fame and multiple Turkey winner is a lifetime nominee. You may be asking - how can someone be eligible for Turkey of the Year when nobody's seen him all year? When one of the main qualifications to being a Turk is just being Shap, that, in and of itself, is overwhelming evidence.

B Whit. It's been a dismal fantasy year for the commissioner and perennial Turk contender. Not only is he doing a poor job as commish, but he's on pace to tie the worst season in IFL history (1-10 now). Add in the fact that he's moved, not only out of the city, but across the river to the state of New Wachowski (which is actually half-owned by John Ellis (only the good half)), and you have someone who would look great stuffed on your Turkey Day table.

Pisco. Another former Turkey winner, this guy reeks of Turkey. He is the essence of Turkdom, just by his mere presence. As long as Pisco exists in this world, he will be a top contender for Turkey of the Year, hands down. No specific evidence is needed here.

******************
And now for the dishonorary unmentionables, who fell short of Turk nominations. Better luck next year.

Chaos. Since we never hear from the guy, unless he's selling fake WWE ringside seats, we could not qualify him for Turk status.

Ellis. The guy basically owns half of Philadelphia and South Jersey, so I don't want to piss him off. However, I am happy to report that my eminent domain case against him is heading to the Supreme Court.

The Wo-Man. Wo kinda hangs around and doesn't really shake the tree, except when he's hungry and needs some coconuts or pineapples. We let him host the draft this year, with a promise that he'll be more of a Turkey next year.

Turkvine. His strange man-boy love with Shu would have made him a fine candidate for Turkey, but he filed his paperwork too late.

Devo. His return to the IFL has been met with little fanfare, and the results have matched. Therefore, we don't want to give him any more publicity than he deserves, so he is not Turk-eligible.

Top 10 IFL Scorers after Week 5

1. D McNabb QB Hit Sq 167
2. P Manning QB RVG 102
3. Westbrook RB Hit Sq 100 (4 gm)
4. M Bulger QB PTP 96
5. L Johnson RB D Beats 95 (4 gm)
6. Grossman QB L Kings 95
7. B Favre QB BPM 91
8. E Manning QB 9 Fing 88 (4 gm)
9. F Gore RB BCB 88
10. D Brees QB ND 83

Week 6 pickup order

1. Mighty Meatballs (0-5 304 pts)

2. Nine Fingers (1-4 369 pts)
3. Biff Poco Mass (1-4 477 pts)

4. Blue Dogs Group (2-3 407 pts)
5. Dragons (2-3 434 pts)
6. Lizard Kings (2-3 442 pts)
7. Dead Beats (2-3 465 pts)
8. Nucular Death (2-3 478 pts)

9. Part Time Pimps (3-2 498 pts)
10. Notorious RVG (3-2 513 pts)

11. Mudd Dogs (4-1 416 pts)
12. Raisin Kanes (4-1 457 pts)
13. Before Christ Bombers (4-1 549 pts)

14. (s)Hit Squad (5-0 613 pts)


Good luck scraping the bottom of the barrel!

Week 5 Monday Night Morbidity

GAME OVER

Blue Dogs 85, Notorious RVG 82
FINAL - (RVG is done, BD has Jamal Lewis)
Blue Dogs off the snyde with a fair and balanced lineup, featuring Plexiglass (15), Reggae Brown (13) and Boldin (13). RVG was killed by a couple donkey games - 1-point efforts by both Gonzo and Wilford. Blue Dogs need 58 out of Lewis to win the $20. They're at 2-3 while RVG falls to 3-2 in the Central.

Dead Beats 103, Mighty Meatballs 20
FINAL
In what is by far the most troubling and apathetic (and pathetic) performance in IFL history, Meatball starts 3 players who were well known to be OUT - Stallworth, Culpepper, and Vinatieri. Unacceptable effort. Dead Beats had a decent day anyway, so we'll say they deserve the W. LJ had a big day with 27, but was hurt late in the game. Stay tuned for his prognosis. Dead Beats will be 2-3 in the East. Meatballs are 0-5.

Razen Kanes 83, Nine Fingers 56
FINAL
I can't knock Shu too much because at least there is some semblance of an effort there. His team just had a subpar day yesterday. OK he's having a subpar year. TO was worth 3, and that pretty much set the tone for the rest of his lineup. Speaking of Tone, the Damn Best is a shocking 4-1 in the West but in 2nd place! Deuce led the way with a 21-spot. Shu falls to 1-4 in the Central.

Hit Squad 143, Mud Dogs 46
(HS is done; MD has Mark Clayton, WR-Bal)
OK I'm officially frightened by Holland. However, I still say this team will go as far as McNabb and Westbrook take them, and if they stay as white-hot as they are, it could be a 10-year anniversary championship for Hit Squad. Mud Dogs were basically exposed for the pathetic team that they are, and I truly feel this week was more of an indication of how good the team is as opposed to their 4 wins. Hit Squad remains atop the West at 5-0, Mud Dogs still in 1st in the East at 4-1.


NOT SO FAST, MY FRIENDS

Dragons 89, Biff Pocoroba Massacre 53
(DGNS are done; BPM has Stover and Balt D)
In this matchup between the dregs of the West, it will come down to defense and special teams - which is what fantasy is all about. Balt D is averaging about 31 ppg, so it's not inconceivable that the Massacre pulls this out, but in Denver it might be a tough night for them. Hopefully Stover will bang a couple 50-yarders in that mile high air. As for Dragons effort yesterday, they were aided by the Dallas D's 21 while Wo-Man was not even watching the game! In fact, I would bet that he was secretly rooting for the Cowboys deep down inside. How can you root for this guy? You can't. The winner of this one will be 2-3 in the West and the loser will fall 4 games back of Hit Squad at 1-4.

BC Bombers 102, Lizard Kings 94
(BCB is done; LK has J. Walker and Heap)
I'd have to say chances are good that BC Bombers have lost their first game, at the hands of none other than John E. Lizard Kings' big hitter was the Eagles D, worth 37 in a herculean effort. BCB had a better than expected effort out of fill-in QB Damon Huard (22 pts), and starting RBs Gore and C. Taylor each chipped in 21. But that was about it, and on this day, the Eagles D looks like they will reign supreme again, unless Walker and Heap each lay major league eggs, which is definitely possible.

Part Time Pimps 114, Napalm Death 72
(PTP has D. Mason; ND has Broncos DEF)
PTPs were hugely aided by their D and special teams (hopefully a sign of things to come for me tonite) - with Vikings D worth 39 and Robbie F'n Gould putting up 23. At this rate he'll be the first kicker to be NFL MVP since Mark Moseley in '82. As for the IFL, he's still considered half a man. Speaking of half-men, half-robots, Devo is in danger of slipping to 2-3 in the East. Pimps are in danger of going to 3-2 in the East.

Week 5 Slick Picks

Cambodian Slick had last week off, but it was no vacation. I had to travel back to Cambodia to settle a paternity suit. That is all I’m allowed to say according to my attorney.


NFL PICKS

This week’s NFL slate is highlighted by the battle of the Bay, 49ers vs. Raiders. That game promises to be so intense, that I refuse to pick it, for fear of offending anyone.

Giants 36, Redskins 21 (NYG -5)
Chargers 24, Steelers 17 (SD -3)
Ravens 16, Broncos 6 (Den -4)
Eagles 17, Cowboys 16 (Philly -2)


COLLEGE PICKS

A little revenge is in order for the Sooners this week, as the Red River Shootout takes place down in the Cotton Bowl. Texas snapped a 6-game losing streak to Oklahoma in last year’s game.

Penn State 34, Minnesota 23 (PSU -3)
LSU 21, Florida 17 (LSU -1.5)
Georgia 30, Tennessee 28 (Tenn -2.5)
California 41, Oregon 34 (Cal -4.5)
Oklahoma 20, Texas 16 (Tex -4)
Kent 34, Temple 8 (Kent -24)

Anyone who is a 24 point dog to f’n Kent, is a dog who needs to be shot.


IFL PICKS

I’m all over the favorites this week.

Biff Pocoroba Massacre over Dragons
Napalm Death over Part Time Pimps
Dead Beats over Mighty Meatballs
BC Bombers over Lizard Kings
Notorious RVG over Blue Dogs
Razen Kanes over Nine Fingers

GAME OF THE WEEK: Mud Dogs (4-0) vs. Hit Squad (4-0). It’s been a while since 2 IFL teams who were unbeaten faced off this late in the season. The last time was 1974 when Jebediah Snyder’s Testes Busters and Grandpa Ellis’ Better than Prune Juice faced off in Week 6, with both teams 5-0. The Juice pulled it off of course, thanks to none other than O.J. Simpson’s huge day. Just a little history lesson for ya. Anything beats talking about these two teams…who’d have thought Mike P and Holland would get out of the chute winning their first 4 games, let alone win 4 games all season? Prediction: Hit Squad by 34, then they lose their last 8 games.


Have a great weekend, go Birds, and always, ALWAYS wear a rubber.
-CS

Week 4 - IFL Dancing with the Stars

And the IFL gay dancer who sucked the most this week was: Mighty Meatballs owner Joey Meatball. So you are voted off the show by virtue of your 2 left feet and your low-ass score of 59, dropping you to 0-4 in the IFL. Also contributing to your demise, during the conga line dance, not only did you fall, but when RVG was in front of you, you were grabbing his ass too hard and now he has your fingerprints imprinted in his butt cheeks.

Meatball joins other shitty dancers Chaos, John E, and Shu on the sidelines as evicted houseguests.

And we have 2 houseguests with immunity for Week 5, and they are Holland and Tone Money, who put up 123 pts each (Chaos won the week with 145 but he's already evicted). Of course, you had to know the black guy was gonna win the dance contest. And that means only 8 people are eligible for eviction next week!

Join us next week in IFL Reality land!

Week 4 Results/ Wk 5 pickup order

Notorious RVG 116, Biff Pocoroba Massacre 91
B.C. Bombers 70, Blue Dogs 60
Mud Dogs 103, Dragons 82
Hit Squad 123, Nine Fingers 89
Razen Kanes 123, Part Time Pimps 80
Napalm Death 96, Mighty Meatballs 59
Dead Beats 145, Lizard Kings 93


...and your pickup order for the Week 5 transactions is:

1. Mighty Meatballs (0-4; 284 pts)

2. Nine Fingers (1-3; 313 pts)
3. Blue Dogs (1-3; 321 pts)
4. Lizard Kings (1-3; 338)
5. Dragons (1-3; 345 pts)
6. Dead Beats (1-3; 362 pts)
7. Biff Pocoroba Massacre (1-3; 408 pts)

8. Part Time Pimps (2-2; 381 pts)
9. Napalm Death (2-2; 386 pts)

10. Razen Kanes (3-1; 374 pts)
11. Notorious RVG (3-1; 431 pts)

12. Mud Dogs (4-0; 365 fraudulent pts)
13. BC Bombers (4-0; 447 pts)
14. Hit Squad (4-0; 470 pts)

Week 4 Predictions - cancelled

Due to unfortunate circumstances involving a powerful storm in the Atlantic, a chimpanzee named Francis, and 3 dozen 15-watt light bulbs, Cambodian Slick's Week 4 Predictions have been cancelled. They should return for the Week 5 games.

In my one and only plug for my non-gambling blog ever, check out http://cambodianfootball.blogspot.com, where I post my real life college and pro picks (when I have time to do that). Until the gov't takes the ability to gamble online away from us. Pricks!

IFL Survivor: Lake Titicaca

The tribe has spoken. By a vote of 11-0, 9 Fingers owner Shu, you have been voted off the Island. You will now be thrown into the swampy crocodile-infested waters to swim with the remains of the other evicted guests, Chaos and John E. Don't forget your rubbers.

Shu, your point total of 59 this week warrants this eviction. 11 castaways remain on IFL Survivor.

The Biff Pocoroba Massacre has immunity for Week 4 by virtue of their stunning 155 points dropped this week.

Week 3 IFL Results

Did I mention there were seven IFL games this past weekend? Not sure if you guys heard. I know Tone Money had no idea there was a game.

Mud Dogs 79, Dead Beats 62
BC Bombers 114, Nine Fingers 59
Notorious RVG 107, Part Time Pimps 90
Dragons 88, Mighty Meatballs 64
Hit Squad 115, Napalm Death 103
Lizard Kings 124, Razen Kanes 60
Biff Pocoroba Massacre 155, Blue Dogs 103

Week 4 Pickup Order

This week's pickup order is dedicated to Mike P and Bob S.

1. Dead Dogs (0-3; 217 pts)
2. Mighty Dogs (0-3; 225 pts)

3. Nine Dogs (1-2; 224 pts)
4. Lizard Dogs (1-2; 245 pts)
5. Blue Dogs (1-2; 261 pts)
6. Dragon Dogs (1-2; 263 pts)
7. Napalm Dogs (1-2; 290 pts)
8. Biff Pocoroba's Dog (1-2; 317 f*cking pts MOTHERF*CKER)

9. Razen Dogs (2-1; 251 pts)
10. Part Time Dogs (2-1; 301 pts)
11. Notorious DOG (2-1; 315 pts)

12. Mud Dogs (3-0; 262 pts)
13. Hit Dogs (3-0; 347 pts)
14. Bucks County Canine Society (3-0; 377 pts)

Week 3 Monday Night Meltdown

Week 3 almost in the books. How bout them Biff Pocoroba Massacres. That's 20 dogs at the Phillies game tonite.

Only 2 games have implications tonight, but they're big ones and they're close as balls.

Notorious RVG 100, Part Time Pimps 88
(RVG has Bush; PTP has Dunn)
It's gonna be a thriller tonight in the Superdome. Reggie Bush's home debut coincides with this huge early-season IFL tilt between these two dopes, and his and Warrick Dunn's performance are going to have huge implications. RVG has pretty balanced scoring all around, and Andre Johnson was the high man with 27. PTP looked a little more human, with not too many big days other than Bulger's inflated 22. PTP needs the win to stay unbeaten in the East, RVG will either be a game over or 1 under .500 in the Central.

Hit Squad 110, Napalm Death 99
(HS has Crumpler; ND has Falcons DEF)
If I were Hit Squad, I'd be painting my face green and running around doing E-A-G-L-E-S chants in my tightie whities. They looked pathetic during the 1:00 games, but Donnie Mac and B-West had a field day in SF, with a combined 67 pts (BW worth 45). Those 2, and Lee Evans' 19, were really all that Hit Squad brought to the table. Poor Devo...the prick gets a meager 25 out of Palmer (seems low for a 4 TD day), 26 out of Greg f-ing Jennings, and 24 out of Kasay! And he could still lose. This is going to be a close one... I tend to think the Falcons could dominate like they did their other NFC South opponents, so ND still has a good shot at winning this one. If they do, they'll be 2-1, and so will Hit Squad. If it's a Crumpler night...Hit Squad stays amongst the ranks of the unbeaten and alone atop the West.


The following games are either over or essentially over.

Biff Pocoroba Massacre 155, Blue Dogs 79
(BPM is done; BD has Saints DEF)
I think we've found a new starting QB in the Land of Biff. After 2 weeks of Plummer's shenanigans, Favre stepped right in and showed 'em how it's done. Brett shredded the Lions D for a 42-bomb. It's like '94 all over again! Add into the mix long-awaited explosions from Roy Williams (27) and Muhammad (21), and it looks like we have ourselves a new $20 winner. I'm goin' to Sizzler! As for Blue Dogs, it was all Holt (27) and Boldin (22) and a bunch of crap. Saints D needs to completely demolish the Falcons and put up 76, which would have been easily attainable via the old scoring system. B.P. Massacre gets off the Snyde and goes to 1-2 in the Wide Open West, Blue Dogs are 1-2 in the Central.

Lizard Kings 124, Razen Kanes 51
(LK is done; RK has Deuce)
Which of these teams was 0-2 going in and which one was 2-0? Not who you'd think if you look at this outcome. Tone Money's Kanes definitely look fraudulent after this pathetic performance. Brady put up 23 and that was about it. For the Kings, Javon Walker's huge Sunday night (35) put them into the upper IFL stratosphere, even topping Willie Parker's great day (28). Not to mention, John E's first-rounder Steve Smith was back in the lineup, worth 19, and just like his NFL team, Smith has the ability to make his team that much better. Kanes fall back in with the cool crowd at 2-1 (barring Deuce miracle), while the LKs will be 1-2 in the Central.

B.C. Bombers 114, Nine Fingers 59
FINAL
Another day at the office for Chris T, another piss poor performance for Shu. Eli put up 21 for the Fingers, but that was it. He has people in his starting lineup that shouldn't be on NFL rosters. Bombers were carried by Hasselbeck (31). BC remains undefeated at 3-0 atop the Central, Shu is 1-2 and fading fast.

Mud Dogs 79, Dead Beats 47
(MD is done; DB has Carney)
I wouldn't mind Mud Dogs winning if we didn't have to hear from Mike P. ever. Yes, it's true they might be the worst 3-0 team ever, but what's going on in Dead Beats land is even more troubling. I know LJ was on a bye, but this is ridiculous. Two players had goose eggs (Dom Rhodes and Chad Jackson). Unacceptable, especially for a 3-time champion. I think it might be time for Dead Beats to say goodbye. And I don't know who Mud Dogs play next week but I sure hope the MDs lose so we can put a muzzle on Mike P. and get our lives back to normal. MD = 3-0 in the East. DB = 0-3 in the East. Worst. Team. Ever.

Dragons 88, Mighty Meatballs 64
FINAL
You can finally put one in the win column for the Phightin' Dragons. However, their MVP was Mighty Meatballs owner Meatball. He was stuck with 2 injured players in his starting lineup (Stallworth and Vinatieri), while he was hanging out in Wildwood getting shot down by 16 and 17-year old girls at the arcade. Stallworth was kind of a surprise to everyone, but this team still looks pretty bad. McGahee was the only bright spot, and he was only worth 18 in a 150-yd performance. For Dragonbreath, that 2nd round pick Portis finally paid some dividends, putting up 26. D-Jax (20) and D Mason (21) were also money. Congrats to the Wo as he climbs toward that tall peak that is 100 wins! Meatballs...still 99 away. They are 0-3 in the East, Dragons are 1-2 in the West.

Cambodian Slick's Week 3 Predictions

If you see my predictions on the IFL Blog, you know the weekend is here. Unless you are Cambodian Slick, who is confined to his Center City office working late! Imagine the heinousity. Regardless, I have carved out a 10-hour window during my work day so I could refine my picks, which are sure to excite and pleasure all of you.

NFL Picks

There are some really, really great games in Week 3, and I've had my eye on several of them all week. So rather than bore you with a couple sentences before giving you the picks, I'm just going to give you the picks. That is all. Oh, don't forget to turn your clocks back this weekend. And if you think of it, call your local congressman and complain about something. Anything. And don't get me started on the Birds last week.... (although I did have the vision to predict a 6-point loss for them)...

Last week: 3-4 ATS, 5-2 straight up
Year to date: 9-5 ATS! 11-3 straight up

Jest 24, Bills 20 (Buff -5.5)
Steelers 27, Bengals 13 (Pitt -2)
Jaguars 33, Colts 24 (Indi -7) how trendy to pick the Jags!
Vikings 21, Bears 13 (Chi-3)
Seahawks 38, Giants 20 (Sea -3.5)
Eagles 24, 49ers 21 (Philly -6)
Patriots 27, Broncos 16 (Pats -7)
Falcons 35, Saints 0 (ATL -4) what a feel good story!


College Picks

WOW did Oklahoma get robbed last week. At least they get to take their frustration out on Middle Tennessee this week. I encourage all of you to boycott any and all products of Oregon, not the least of which, Portland's own The Dandy Warhols. Just for a week.

Last week: 4-4 ATS, 5-3 straight up
Year to date: 5-7 ATS, 9-3 straight up

Michigan 30, Wisconsin 21 (Mich -13.5)
Iowa 49, Illinois 7 (Iowa -21)
Ohio State 38, Penn State 14 (OSU -16.5)
Notre Dame 31, Michigan State 20 (ND -2.5)
Western Michigan 52, Temple 0 (WMU -28)

How bad is Western Michigan??? They're only favored by 4 touchdowns over Temple! They must really suck.


IFL Picks

Last week: 2-4-1
Year to date: 6-7-1

Dead Beats over Mud Dogs
Notorious RVG over Part Time Pimples
Biff Pocoroba Massacre over Blue Dogs, just cuz
Dragons over Mighty Meatballs, bringing the 'Balls to 1-15 all time
Napalm Death over Hit Squad
Razen Kanes over Lizard Kings

Game of the Week: BC Bombers (2-0) vs. 9 Fingers (1-1). Shu certainly made headlines this week when he called out the Rules Committee and the Commissioner himself, and threatened to quit the IFL. That is basically the equivalent of one of the homeless guys in Love Park going up to Capitol Hill and lambasting Congress. Preposterous. But all is well and good now, and Shu gets a shot at his man-crush, BC Bombers owner Chris T. And who doesn’t want to bang Chris these days? His in-bin is overflowing with marriage proposals, X-rated pics, and freshly removed women’s panties (hence the scent of red snapper wafting throughout IFL headquarters). In all seriousity, this is a mismatch for the ages. The Bombers are a wrecking machine, out to destroy all IFL records. 9 Fingers is probably starting Mike Furrey and Derrick Blaylock this week. I’ve already said too much. Prediction: BC Bombers by (as many points as Ohio State wins by) plus (the number of points Temple loses by).

Commentary - Waiver Wire

What a wonderful year to be terrible! One of the reasonings behind shrinking the roster size by one this season was to possibly fatten the free agent pool each week. That's 14 more players out there every week. But no. In previous years, most teams would keep 2 defenses, and a few would horde 2 kickers. Now only 8/14 teams carry 2 DEFs and nobody carries a 2nd kicker. So maybe that whole idea was a little flawed.

So as a result....there still isn't DICK out there on the waiver wire. Having the #4 pick this week is no prize for my craptacular start to the 2006 season. That's the perils of a 14-team league.

-CS

Week 3 Schedule

**Mud Dogs (2-0) vs. Dead Beats (0-2)
**B.C. Bombers (2-0) vs. 9 Fingers (1-1)
Part Time Pimps (2-0) vs. Notorious RVG (1-1)
Biff Pocoroba Massacre (0-2) vs. Blue Dogs (1-1)
Dragons (0-2) vs. Mighty Meatballs (0-2)
Hit Squad (2-0) vs. Napalm Death (1-1)
Lizard Kings (0-2) vs. Razen Kanes (2-0)

** = Division game

Week 3 Pickup order

1. Lizard Kings (0-2, 121 pts)
2. Dead Beats (0-2, 155 pts)
3. Mighty Meatballs (0-2, 161 pts)
4. Biff Pocoroba Massacre (0-2, 162 pts)
5. Dragons (0-2, 175 pts)
6. Blue Dogs (1-1, 158 pts)
7. Nine Fingers (1-1, 165 pts)
8. Napalm Death (1-1, 187 pts)
9. Notorious RVG (1-1, 208 pts)
10. Mud Dogs (2-0, 183 pts)
11. Razen Kanes (2-0, 191 pts)
12. Part Time Pimps (2-0, 211 pts)
13. Hit Squad (2-0, 232 pts)
14. B.C. Bombers (2-0, 263 pts)

***Last week add/drops were processed by the site at around 1:30am. I would assume they will be done around the same time this week.

IFL Real World: Camden

By a vote of 12-0, and by virtue of having the piss poor low score for the week (66), Lizard Kings owner John E., you have been eliminated from the IFL Real World: Camden house. You will be kicked out on to the streets of Camden.

Once again, BC Bombers owner Chris T. will have immunity for another week by virtue of his high score.

John E. joins Dead Beats owner Chaos in the gutters of “America’s Most Dangerous City”. Only 12 houseguests remain.

Week 2 Resluts + weekly $20

Part Time Pimps 114, Dead Beats 109
Mud Dogs 89, Mighty Meatballs 87
Bucks County Bombers 124, Notorious RVG 103
Nine Fingers 72, Lizard Kings 66
Razen Kanes 106, Dragons 85
Hit Squad 122, Biff Pocoroba Massacre 94
Napalm Death 120, Blue Dogs 81

Congrats once again to B.C. Bombers owner Chris T. who edged out Hit Squad for the weekly $20. His 124 points was the high for the week, and he adds yet another $20 to his always growing bank account.

Also, my apologies to Blue Dogs, I said in the Melee post that they had lost last week, but they won. I guess I'm just used to their losing ways. Sorry Blue, you're still my boy. They now sit at 1-1 in the Central.

Week 2 Monday Night Melee

A whopping 4 games have reached climax after Sunday's day-long football orgy. The 3 others either have a bad case of ED, or they got the Football Fever baby, cause it's Monday Night!!!! (cue crickets soundbyte)

Hit Squad 122, Biff Pocoroba Massacre 94
(FINAL)
Do not be fooled, folks. The BPM is not as good as their 94 point score looks. Once again, they were absolutely carried by the Baltimore D (45), which has been outstanding this year. Matt Stover also had a nice week, with 16. Other than that, oogatz. The rest of the lineup is absolute trash (except for Edge, who had a mediocre 12). I actually benched my 2nd round pick, Lamont Jordan, and he made me look good by putting up his 2nd straight goose egg (great pick!). Jake Plummer is worth (-2) this year so far. Enough. Let us give some credit to Hit Squad, who had great days from McNabb (33) and Westbrook (21), despite the Eagles implosion at the Linc. Their Bears D was not too shabby either, with a 33-bomb. Hit Squad now stands in first place in the West at 2-0, looking strong. BPM is 0-2 and only getting worse.

Part Time Pimps 114, Dead Beats 109
(FINAL)
Chaos' Sunday night comeback came up short, as Bledsoe's 19 was not enough. It had to hurt seeing Pennington's 32 points on the bench. In the battle of LJ vs. LT, PTP's 1st rounder, Tomlinson, prevailed once again, his 27-22 edge over Johnson making up the difference in the game. PTP is now 2-0 in the East and Mike B continues to steamroll through the IFL in only his 2nd season. 3-time champ Dead Beats are 0-2 and dwelling in the East cellar. Quite a trend Chaos is starting here...terrible in even-numbered years, winning titles in odd-numbered years.

Napalm Death 120, Blue Dogs 81
(FINAL)
The streak is over! Devo has won an IFL game for the first time since 2004! He somehow got 26 out of Galloway, whose team lost 14-3. Palmer was also good for 26. For Bob and his Blue Dogs, the long year and even longer IFL career trudges along, the losses piling up like dirty laundry. Delhomme (5) has been a complete disappointment (yeah, I feel your pain - see 2005 Cambodian Slick). Plaxico (24) was his only saving grace. and boy, is he loved here in Philly. Blue fell to 0-2 in the Central, and ND is at 1-1.

Bucks County Bombers 117, Notorious RVG 103
(BCB has Steelers D; RVG is done)
The praise and fan mail continue to pile up for Chris T and the BCB. He's put himself in great position to win the weekly $20 for the 2nd consecutive week. At this rate, he's going to need to fill out a Form W-2G for the IRS. As for RVG, who watched the games at my house yesterday, he needs to fill out a Form RVG-12-P (for the number of slices of pizza he ate). Just kidding, he was not gluttonous yesterday, and in fact, he was a model houseguest....he only left shitstains in 2 of my 3 toilets. BCB was helped not by pseudo-superstars Hasselbeck (9 - bah!) and Fitzgerald (I scoff at his 5), but by this wishbone RB attack, all of whom ran for 100+ yards: S. Jackson (15 pts), C. Taylor (16) and Frank Gore (22). Not to mention All-World WR A. Bryant and his 30 pts. RVG was carried by Peyton's huge day (400 yds, 39 pts) but it's not enough to stop the machine that is B.C. Bombers, your 2006 IFL Champs. Just give them the trophy now, because all trophies are won in September, right? BCB is 2-0 going on 15-0, RVG is 1-1 in Central IFL.


And now, the games whose outcome hinges on tonight's Stillers-Jagwires Monday Night Football hype-fest. Ooh I hope Travis Tritt performs on ESPN at halftime, then they bring him into the booth so they can talk to him while the game is going on.


Razen Kanes 106, Dragons 74
(Kanes are done; Dragons have Big Ben and F. Taylor)
Me and Wo-Man laughed it up over a Cuban and a $400 bottle of wine when we found out that we had Tone Money and Hit Squad in our division....but who's laughing now? (not me) Big Ben is back after all the motorcrashes and appendix explosions, and he's ready to start putting up fantasy numbers. Between him and Freddie T, Wo-Man still has some hope (unlike me). As for Sunday's festivities, Kanes had a well balanced attack led by Rudi (29) and Deuce (16), but their 3rd RB, Cadillac, has been a major disappointment. He joined the bagel club yesterday with a big round number. Their immediate future outlook is even better, since they have Terry Glenn, who will be the main man in Big D for a few weeks with TO's injury. Dragons had good days out of D-Jax (24) and Harrison (20), but it was mediocrity elsewhere. If things stay as they are, Kanes will move into a tie for first in the West at 2-0 and Dragons will join the Western losers' lounge at 0-2. A Wo comeback puts them both at 1-1.

Mighty Meatballs 87, Mud Dogs 80
(MM is done; MD has Matt Jones)
Tonight's outlook is cut and dry, Mike P needs at least 7 out of Matt Jones. Neither team had anyone score 20 points or more, but there was mediocre balance all the way around. Meatballs were actually led by their D (Bucs = 19) and kicker (Vinatieri = 17), which seems to be all the rage in the IFL this year. Mud Dogs got 16 out of Keyshawn, their leading scorer. Ew. Well, I tried to generate some excitement in this IFL East tussle. I only have so much to work with here. Mighty Meat is 0-1 and Mud Dogs are 1-0...do the math.

Nine Fingers 72, Lizard Kings 63
(9F has H. Ward; LK has W. Parker)
It's teams like 9 Fingers and Lizard Kings that make me think my team may not be the worst in the IFL this year. I am damn close to it though. But these guys are bad. For Shu, it was Eli (35!) and Coles (23) and a bunch of 2s and 3s. His team's box score looks like Tiger Woods' scorecard. And John E joined the Defense-and-Kicker-are-my-best-players Club, with SD D carrying the load with a whopping 16. Somehow Doug Gabriel ended up in his starting lineup (zero), while newly acquired Jerricho Cotchery put up a 31-bomb on the Kings' bench. Right game (NYJ-NE), wrong WR. So stay tuned tonight, as this game has the makings of the old Bungals-Browns clashes from the mid-90s or Colts-Patriots from the late 80s, when both teams would win a combined 3 games every year. Loser drops to 0-2 in the IFL Mid-Continent Division, while the winner is only a game worse than BCB at 1-1!

Cambodian Slick's Week 2 Predictions

Welcome to the new home of Cambodian's Weekley Predictions. I mostly decided to move hear, to iflblog.blogspot.com, because they have a better spell check. Besides, is there anyone out there who really wants me to inundate their e-mailbox with stupid get-rich quick schemes, such as winning football picks? Of course you don't, you're idiots.

NCAA PICKS

I'm feeling a little saucy, so let's start in the college ranks. This week's college slate is one of the juicest you'll ever see. A whopping 7 games pitting ranked teams against each other. What a day to sit in front of the 56" DLP and stuff your fat f*cking face. Of course, I won't be doing that, I'll be drinking 'em up at a wedding and checking my Blackberry every 30 seconds for scores.

On to the games. Some people call this Separation Saturday. I call it a gold mine. So go buy that new big screen TV. Go make a down payment on that shore property. Give your wife a pearl necklace. Just get on my back, and ride me to the promised land.

(Last week's picks - a stellar 1-3 ATS, but 4-0 straight up)

LSU 19, Auburn 17 (Aub -3)
Notre Dame 28, Michigan 20 (ND -5)
Louisville 31, Miami 17 (Louis -4)
TCU 45, Texas Tech 42 (Tech -1.5)
USC 41, Nebraska 14 (USC -18.5)
Tennessee 26, Florida 21 (Fla -3.5)
Minnesota 57, Temple 3 (Minn -41.5)

And it pains me to do this, but I think it's going to happen...

Oregon 31, Oklahoma 17 (Ducks -4.5)


NFL PICKS

I think this is an unusually tough week to pick NFL games, so I'm taking the week off.

BAAHHHH HAHAHAHAHA!!! Are you kidding? I positively owned last week, going 6-1 on the message board, and the one I lost (Redskins), I actually came to my senses on Monday night and wagered on Minnesota in real life. My record speaks for itself, I will say no more.

(Last week's picks - only 6-1 straight up and ATS - corrected in real life though)

Bears 19, Lions 16 (Chi -9)
Dolphins 31, Bills 10 (Mia -6)
Panthers 28, Vikings 24 (Car -1.5)
49(Fing)ers 34, Rams 28 (STL -3)
Giants 27, Eagles 21 (Birds -3) sorry
Cowboys 21, Redskins 17 (Dal -6)
Jaguars 23, Steelers 20 (Pit -1.5)

The Bucs-Falcons game intrigues me, but I'm not sure which way I'm going with that one yet. My mind says Bucs, but my applebag says Falcons. Call me on Sunday if you're interested in hearing my pick.


IFL PICKS

Mighty Meatballs over Mud Dogs
Part Time Pimps over Dead Beats
9 Fingers vs. Lizard Kings - cancelled
Blue Dogs over Napalm Death
Hit Squad over Biff Pocoroba Massacre (that really hurts)
Dragons over Razen Kanes

Game of the Week: Notorious RVG (1-0) vs. B.C. Bombers (1-0). Battle of the Central powerhouse teams. Each team put up over 100 last week in a week when scoring was tough to come by. The Bombers lineup looks pretty sick right now. Hasselbeck, Gore, S Jackson, C Taylor, Fitzgerald, A Bryant. Wow. However, I can see a couple of those guys coming back down to earth. As for Not RVG, it's the Manning and Bush show. I expect both to put up huge numbers vs. weak opponents. This game could come down to kickers. I think the 4 extra points kicked by Jeff Wilkins will best Nate Kaeding's 5 XPs and a missed 39-yarder. Prediction: Notorious RVG by 1.

Week 2 pickups - resolution

Here they are. I forgot to mention Hit Squad in my previous post. I got in touch with them and BC Bombers. Thanks to all for your patience and cooperation.

1. Dead Beats - R Williams (drop T Taylor)
2. Lizard Kings - J Crotchery (IR Jurevicius)***
3. ND - M Turner (drop Jones-Drew)
4. Dragons - M Jenkins (IR Greg Jones)***
5. Nine Fingers - Rams D (IR C Martin)***
6. Blue Dogs - Romo (drop Carr)
7. Mud Dogs - D Clark (drop McMichael)
8. Not RVG - Troupe (drop Jennings)
9. Hit Squad - M Colston WR NO (IR Priest H)***
10. BC Bombers - N Kaeding (drop Feely)

11. Dead Beats - J Carney (drop Peterson)
12. Lizard Kings - A Smith QB SF (IR T Green)***
13. ND - Broncos D (drop Dayne)
14. Dragons - L Betts (drop Duckett)
15. Nine Fingers - J Harrison RB CLE (IR Dom Davis)***
16. Blue Dogs - Saints D (drop Titans D)

*** - move affected by my F-up

Week 2 Pickup fiasco!

Long story short.... I messed up. The people who tried to put someone on IR to pick someone up did not get their picks. That goes for 9 Fingers (2 players), Hit Squad, Lizard Kings, and Dragons. In the case of Dragons, their IR move was intended to be their first pickup...and they wanted 2 pickups, so they got their 2nd pickup first. This had to be switched, so their IR move was first.

The reason for the screw-up was my tinkering in the League Rules section of the website (only can be changed by those with commish access). I changed the max # of players on a roster to 14, while the max # of players on IR was set at 3. I thought the IR players did not count against the roster size, but apparently that is not the case. So those who tried to put in an IR move had theirs declined because according to the site, it would have brought them over the max # of players allowed on a roster. Yes, it was my fault for changing it (I guess I thought some teams might pickup more than they were allowed...stupid on my part), but sometimes the Sportsline site is a little nebulous when it comes to their commisioner functions.

That being said, everything should work next week as planned, since I know what the problem was.

A note about Add/Drops on the website

First thing: Make sure you clear out last week's picks!!! You can just click "Withdraw" next to the request.

Now, as for the pickups from this point forward. We are going to let the site process the moves. The (1a, 1b, 1c....2a, 2b...) method used from previous years still holds true if making more than one move.

• If making one move, it's cut and dry. Request to add/drop as always and the order in which the players appear in your queue is your order of preference.
• If you're making two moves... your 1st and 2nd moves are distinguished by the player you are dropping.
• There is no more notating 1a, 1b, etc. on the site because there is no comment box... moves are processed in the order in which they are presented, and skipped if the player you requested is not available or the player you are requesting to drop is already dropped.

For example, if you are dropping Favre and picking up a QB as your first move, those selections should be at the top of your list (in the order of your preference). Then for your second pick, you're dropping Barber for whoever you pick up...just list those requests underneath the 1st pickup requests. As seen in the example below...

***1st pickup
1a. Tony Banks (drop Favre)
1b. Jeff Blake (drop Favre)
1c. Kyle Boller (drop Favre)
1d. Koy Detmer (drop Favre)

***2nd pickup
2a. JJ Arrington (drop Barber)
2b. Fred Beasley (drop Barber)
2c. Dee Brown (drop Barber)
2d. Mike Alstott (drop Barber)

It should look like this on your Add/Drop screen (click pic to enlarge).

If you messed up, fear not. You can just click "Move Up" or "Move Down" to re-order your selections, and if you want to get rid of one of your selections completely, just click "Withdraw".

Now let's say you have a list of players, and you just want the top 2 off your list, no matter their position.

You would have to do it in this fashion....the first player dropped (in this case Favre) would represent your 1a, 1b, and the 2nd player dropped would be your 2a, 2b, etc.

1a. Tony Banks (drop Favre)
1b. JJ Arrington (drop Favre)
1c. Fred Beasley (drop Favre)
1d. Mike Alstott (drop Favre)
1e. Dee Brown (drop Favre)
1f. Jason Avant (drop Favre)

Then you would have to basically re-list everyone from 1b down (not 1a because he won't be available at 2a if you didn't get him at 1a), with the 2nd player dropped.

2a. JJ Arrington (drop Barber)
2b. Beasley (drop Barber)
2c. Alstott (drop Barber)
etc...

I know you think it is time-comsuming and tedious, and it is to a degree, but keep these points in mind.

1. This is the way it has to be done for this process to work properly for you.
2. The real time-consuming part is figuring out who you want and the order in which you want them. Make a list, then input them into the site....and the actual inputting part, while somewhat tedious, will then only take a few minutes.

I should also note that unlike previous years, when I did all the moves manually, I DO NOT have the ability to see your requests, so you bear the responsibility of making sure they are accurate.

***MOVES WILL BE PROCESSED BY THE SITE AT APPROXIMATELY 2:30 AM Thurs night/Fri morning.

Hopefully I didn't confuse things more. It's really a very simple process, and since most of you have been in the league 14 years, you should have a handle on how our pickup system works. I'm sure there will be a learning curve as far as navigating the site, since this is a new process, but I expect it to go smoothly and hopefully make everyone's life easier, especially mine.

If you have any other questions, please email me , post a message on the IFL web site, or post a comment on the blog after this entry.

IFL Brother 14

We tried this before, in Survivor style, so this year we'll switch it up. Yes, it's IFL Brother. (you all know my love of reality TV). Each week, the low score of the week gets evicted from the house. The high scorer has immunity (HoH) and cannot be evicted the following week. At the end of the season, the last "man" standing wins the grand prize, a 28-oz. bottle of Jergens.

So let's start the eviction ceremony.

By a vote of 13-0....and with a measley 46 points in your Week 1 loss to the BC Bombers....Dead Beats owner Chaos..... you have been evicted from the IFL Brother house. Now get the f*** out.

Congrats to Chris T of BC Bombers fame, by virtue of the high weekly score (139) he is the new HoH and he can't be evicted next week...so feel free to lay a dodo egg in your Week 2 game.

Week 2 free agent pickup order

This is also on the Add/Drop page of the website, but I'm cross-posting it here, since this blog is all things IFL.

1. Dead Beats (0-1, 46 pts.)
2. Lizard Kings (0-1, 55 pts.)
3. Napalm Death (0-1, 67 pts.)
4. Biff Pocoroba Massacre (0-1, 68 pts.)
5. Mighty Meatballs (0-1, 74 pts.)
6. Dragons (0-1, 90 pts.)
7. Nine Fingers (0-1, 93 pts.)
8. Blue Dogs (1-0, 77 pts.)
9. Razen Kanes (1-0, 85 pts.)
10. Mud Dogs (1-0, 94 pts.)
11. Part Time Pimps (1-0, 97 pts.)
12. Notorious RVG (1-0, 105 pts.)
13. Hit Squad (1-0, 110 pts.)
14. B.C. Bombers (1-0, 139 pts.)

More to come on our first attempt at automated pickups. Check back often here on iflblog.blogspot.com.

Week 1 Results

Part Time Pimps 97, Mighty Meatballs 74
Mud Dogs 94, Napalm Death 67
Notorious RVG 105, Nine Fingers 93
Blue Dogs 77, Lizard Kings 55
Razen Kanes 85, Biff Pocoroba Massacre 68
Hit Squad 110, Dragons 90
B.C. Bombers 139, Dead Beats 46

Week 1 $20aire

Congrats to Bucks County Bombers, who acheived the high score for Week 1, with a blowout win of the defending champion Dead Beats, 139-46. And for his effort, Chris T. will receive a shiny new $20 check.

But the real prize here is that he gets the 14th free agent pickup this week.

Week 1 Monday Night Madness

We have 4 games on the Week 1 marquis which still need some help from tonight’s MNF double bill to declare a winner. Vikings-Redskins at 7 and Bolts-Raiders at 10:15. Looks like another sub-4 hour night of sleep.

Razen Kanes 85, Biff Pocoroba Massacre 68
(Kanes are done; BPM has L. Jordan)
A flaccid outing by the BPM. Thank god for the Baltimore D (39) or this would be one of the all-time ugly games. Tone Money didn't exactly light it up either... his kicker was his high scorer with 15. 100 yards and a TD should do it for Lamont, maybe a few catches… Losing to Tone Money in Week 1 would certainly foreshadow the remainder of my season, but if yesterday’s output is any indication…it’s gonna be a long season anyway.

Notorious RVG 105, Nine Fingers 85
(RVG is done; Shu has R. Moss and Wash DEF)
Shu could pull off one of the most unlikely wins of all time tonight... not only was his head in Thailand when he drafted, but he was 30,000 feet over the Pacific while yesterday's games were being played. His TVs and remotes were certainly thankful for that. He was helped by a big performance from L. Coles (24), while TO (16) and Eli (18) also chipped in nice games. RVG's performance is marred by the fact that his kicker was his high scorer....albeit Wilkins (23), who booted 6 FGs. Is it me or did kickers and defenses do better than QBs and RBs yesterday?

Hit Squad 110, Dragons 77
(HS is done, Dragons have QB B. Johnson)
This one is likely over barring a minor miracle from the Vikings QB. Who does he expect to throw to, to get those 34 points? Hit Squad had top-notch performances from his Bears D (33) and McNabb (32). Wo-Man had good days out of Harrison (21) and Fragile Fred (19). I guess that Greg Jones injury was a good thing.

Part Time Pimps 73, Mighty Meatballs 64
(PTP has Tomlinson; MM has Cooley and Gates)
Precarious position for the Mighty one, as he needs his 2 TEs to outscore the greatest fantasy player in the land by 11. Joey's Sunday Meatballs were very dry on this day, with only Stallworth (27) and Vinatieri (17) adding significant flavor. For PTP, nobody spectacular, but LT should change that and help him hold on tonite. Looks like the Meat-a-balls still sit at 1 (one) career win.


These games are over. Congrats to the winners.

Mud Dogs 86, Napalm Death 67
FINAL (MD has S. Moss, ND is done)
This definitely looked more like the Devo of 2004 than the Devo of the IFL's first decade, further proof that he has not only fallen back to the pack, but fallen below the Mendoza line. An opening day loss to Pisco! Unfathomable! Where do I begin with this atrocity? How about two of his starting WRs, putting up goose eggs...Curtis and Galloway. Thank god for his Falcons D (again with the defenses!) and Tiki who put up 23. His only saving grace is that Tiki looks like the best RB in the league right now, although taken with a grain of salt since they were playing the Colts papier mache run defense. Mud Dogs had a pedestrian performance, with the only standout being QB Warner (34).

Blue Dogs 77, Lizard Kings 55
FINAL
A real snoozer. A little bit of bad luck for the El-Train... OK a lot of bad luck. For starters, his #1 pick (Steve Smith) was out. His replacement in the lineup, Jurevicius, put up a goose egg. Then his kicker is out, so he gets 0 from that position. Then his QB gets decapitiated in the 1st quarter of his game, and he's worth 0. All in all, a banner day at the Ellis household. Blue Dogs weasel their way into a Week 1 victory, but it ain't a beauty pageant, it's the IFL. A win is a win. Bob's high scorer was Plaxico, with 17.

B.C. Bombers 120, Dead Beats 44
(BCB has C. Taylor; DB has T. Taylor and McCardell)
Oh how the mighty have fallen. The defending champs start off with a complete dud, with only #1 overall pick LJ scoring in double digits. And Travis Taylor and McCardell don't exactly have double-digit potential. The Bombers got the lions' share of their points out of that 49ers-Cards game, with Gore (31), Fitzgerald (23), and A Bryant (16) lighting up the scoreboard. Right now, they look to have the high score for the week and the $20 wrapped up.


Sunday's Top Shelf Performances

QB - Kurt Warner, Mud Dogs - 34
RB - Frank Gore, B.C. Bombers - 31
WR - Donte Stallworth, Mighty Meatballs - 27
K - Jeff Wilkins, Notorious RVG - 23
DEF - Baltimore, Biff Pocoroba Massacre - 39

Week 1 IFL Schedule

Part Time Pimps vs. Mighty Meatballs
Napalm Death vs. Mud Dogs
9 Fingers vs. Notorious RVG
Blue Dogs vs. Lizard Kings
Hit Squad vs. Dragons
Biff Pocoroba Massacre vs. Razen Kanes
Dead Beats vs. Bucks County Bombers

(all games are division matchups except Dead Beats vs. BCB)

A 3rd-party analysis of the 2006 IFL Draft

One of Snyder's co-workers opined about the 06 Draft. Always interesting to hear an outsider's view of how we do things (except in this case).


Blue Dogs - I didn't like it before, and I still don't like the Burress pick. I just don't think he'll get many 100 yard games or many tds. I think Ward would have been a better pick there (I am confused about that trade - did Hines get picked before or after you picked in the 3rd? That's really the only thing I can find beyond the Edge pick (but seeing the rules Holt was a good pick). You were placed in some tough spots and I think you did well for yourself, but you don't have a clear-cut stud running back. Luckily it seems your league devalues them in a sense and your other positions can overcome that.

Dead Beats - solid rbs, one solid wr and two half-solid wrs, no quarterback to speak of. Must be a Dallas fan to pick Bledsoe at all, much less that high.

Pimps - took LT, then took the rest of the draft off. I can't argue the names, only their positions with their respective teams. Dunn is going to split carries, and the Falcons really like their rookie rb. Driver will get yards I guess, hopefully Favre stays alive long enough to get him the ball. Guy looks like he did a lot of guessing and nose-holding while picking.

Meatballs - Mighty indeed. Not great receivers but that can be fixed on the waiver wire. He should have gone with Burleson or Bruce over Cooley, but he should be fine.

Napalm Death - Interesting picks. Could win the league, could finish dead last. Too many wild cards, not enough consistency in his picks.

Mud Dogs - Clearly took crack before the first round, but the effects wore off as the draft went on. I believe that if he doesn't win the league, he should look no further than his first round pick and what he left there as the reason why.

Bombers - good team, should make some noise.

RVG - Took Bush too high for a non-keeper league. That could bite him in the ass later.

Nine Fingers - Another Dallas fan? Took TO way too high and should be laughed out of the league for taking C-Mart at all.

Lizard Kings - If Branch plays this year, he has a great team. If not, it is merely good. I like his rbs and he fucked you by taking Anderson who could end up playing a lot.

Massacre - He is very lucky that INTs don't count against you. However I don't see many tds or 300+ games from his qbs. That will hurt him in the end.

Kanes - another good team. Great value in the middle round receiver picks.

Dragons - He could actually have 0 running backs. Should have taken Brad Johnson over Ben, but got lucky and nabbed him late anyway. Poor draft but could fall into a good team regardless.

Hit Squad - Solid team, but I wouldn't have taken most of his team in a draft, much less had all of those players on one team. Could work out anyway, but I don't know.

I'd say for next year, cut the teams to 12, add another starting RB per team. Pimps and Nine Fingers are useless aside from an entry fee. Of course, now that I have said that watch them play for the championship.

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For the record, 13 out of 14 owners think this guy has no clue what he is talking about.

THE IFL INTERVIEW featuring The Wo-Man

I recently sat down with 1995 IFL Champion The Wo-Man in his Manhattan office. I should note that it is a corner office, and he has a gay assistant, not unlike Ari Gold's flaming secretary Lloyd from the HBO series Entourage. For some reason, the assistant had a framed 3x5 picture of Shu on his desk.

Wachowski also fired two of his employees while I was there. It was corporate greed at its best...and worst.

Q: Thanks for joining us. What is the excitement level at the Wo household, with the Draft only 5 days away?

A: The excitement level is very high . . . and building. Between the Wo Matching program (matching the IFL approved budget for food and beverages) we are hoping to offer a wide-variety of hot and cold food options, soda and beer choices, and a good dessert bar. The Wife does not want any negative feedback to reflect on her or the kids, so she has taken an interest in providing plastic plates (not paper) and quality plastic silverware for this draft. Unfortunately, the 3 yr old and 1 yr old at home have not been carrying their weight in manual labor required for the gift bags intended for each owner - but we intend to get back on track this week with rotating 12 hour shifts. In addition, rumor has circulated amongst various neighbors and relatives who plan to make an appearance at the draft, contribute to Snyder's suicide pool fund, and offer independent 3rd party analysis on picks and teams as they unfold. When you add in the pre-draft gut contest and post-draft Lobster bake we are lookng at setting a new standard for IFL draft ambiances!!

Q: Let's talk more about the menu for Saturday. On the way to the Draft, should we be stopping at Wawa and picking up a meatball shorti, a bag of Doritos, a Slim Jim, Butterscotch Krimpets, and a 20 oz. Diet Berries & Cream Dr. Pepper.... or do you think your spread will have us covered? Keep in mind the average weight of an IFL owner in 2006 is approximately 270 lbs.

A: Yeah, we are well aware of the ravenous capabilities of the average IFL owner. We have done several field tests the last 6 months, last year's holiday party, summer child party, etc - and have developed what we think is a solid plan of attack to provide each IFL member with at least a full size portion of each item on the menu. From hot chicken fingers, to wrap sandwiches, to hoagies - we should be able to feed the crowd for the better part of the 5 hour draft. In addition, we have procured several bags of chips and cans of chili (chili-cheese-sour cream dip) to provide 'appetizers' to those that get there before the 12:30 menu time. But don't worry, we have installed a bug-proof screen in the bilco and an industrial size fan is available to provide good air circulation in case the chili results in undesirable intestinal effects. However we may not have the Diet Berries & Cream Dr Pepper for your soft drink enjoyment - we will though, provide a wide array of alcoholic and non-alcoholic choices to select from.

Q: Sounds wonderful. On to less important things... You have 98 wins going into the season. Do you think you will get to 100 and who would you most like to beat to win your 100th?

A: If I don't get to win 100 by week 3 is over, I will be disappointed. Hmm - tough question, but if I had to pick someone I would want it to either be the commissioner - since me and him started playing FF back in 1992, or perhaps Devo or Chaos - because they have the most successful franchises in terms of overall wins and championships. So to beat one of them for win #100 would be extra sweet.

Q: You are in jeopardy of having your legacy be that you were that guy who lost to Shap in his final game, letting him ride off in the sunset as IFL Champion. Does that still haunt you? And quite frankly, how the hell could you let that happen?

A: Yeah, that is something I have learned to live with - and thanks for the mental picture again. I prefer to look at games like this with the thought that "I GOT to the IFL Championship, but just did not outscore my opponent". Lots of other owners are happy just to make the playoffs each year - but I have been at least to the semi-finals 3 years in a row, so I EXPECT to make the playoffs and know that at some point the chips will fall my way and I will win that second Championship! That being said, I also feel I am due for a 3-10 season real soon, but hopefully after I get that second ring.

Q: If I could just be modest for a second... You and I basically conceived the IFL, on a warm summer's night back in 1993 in your parents' basement. How do you feel about creating something that makes so many people miserable every year, and what are your thoughts on how the IFL has evolved over the past 13 years?

A: Yeah, that was quite a romantic evening - but let's keep that out of the interview. It feels great to be part of something that has lasted for over 13 years now. And I do mean 'part' because the IFL is nothing without the other 13 owners. Even though some have come and gone, and come back again - I feel the IFL is as strong as it ever was and I see no end in sight. Looking back on the history of the league - there were certainly some rough times in the 1999-2000 time period when their was some instability in the commissioner's office; but since the league has gone on-line in 01 or 02, we have had relatively few rule changes, no lack of interest in new ownership, and attendance at this year's draft (from a non-owner perspective) should hit an all time high.

Q: On behalf of the rest of the league, I just wanted to thank you for bringing Meatball and Chris T into the IFL. Those two have the makings of perennial doormats. Do have any other friends who might suck this bad at fantasy?

A: I have known these two for a long time, and really scouted them out for this position in the IFL for several years now. I am hoping to be lucky enough to be in their division this year to realize some quick payback and gains (easy wins) to my decision to bring them into the IFL. Because the IFL has been around for so many years now, there is a strong interest amongst my family and close friends to join the IFL - so despite the influx of 3 new owners last year (including ROY owner Mike B) there remains a relatively healthy waiting list of owners with the hope of one day participating in this prestigious league.

Q: How do you get to the Garden State Parkway from your house? I want to go to AC after the Draft.

A: There is a direct route and a quick, back road route to AC from Jackson. Direct route is get back to 195 and go EAST (not West back towards Philly). Go about 15 minutes and you see signs and get directly on GSP South. Or you can mapquest Jackson, NJ to AC and see what it suggests, I have done it in 1 hr, 15 minutes - but I know the backroads. If you take 195 to GSP (you are going East then South) it could take 1 hr, 45 minutes.

Q: 1:45?!?!? That is not what I wanted to hear. Anyway, on a similar subject, how do you see the IFL evolving in the next 5 or 10 years?

A: yeah, it is deceiving since you are really way up north, but do your self a favor - mapquest and print it and bring it, and I might be able to cut out 20 minutes or so. The IFL in 5 or 10 years - wow, I don't see too many changes in the short-term, from a rules, fees, or hierachy perspective. Maybe in ten years we will get league fees up to about $200 and incorporate some additional rewards, bonuses, etc. But the league has always been based on no keepers and lottery day-of-draft, I think it would not be the same if we changed those features (but you never know). Hopefully we see some new and legacy owners winning the championship, as nice as it is to see some repeat winners - I would love to have the trophy include 15 different names at the 25 IFL anniversary draft in 2017, with me on there at least one more time.

Q: OK I'm out of time. Just one more question to put you on the spot - Who's going to win the IFL this year?

A: Unfortunately I think the trend of a previous winner continues - so it will not be Ellis, Snyder, RVG, Tone Money, or one of the 'new owners'. I can see Shu pulling it out, or perhaps a return to Glory for Devo. Thanks for the interview.

Q: The pleasure was all yours. I'll be sure to stop back when I have less time.