2006 TURKEY OF THE YEAR CANDIDATES

The holiday season is here, which means the IFL season is winding down, but Turkey season is in full gear. It's the 2nd most time-honored tradition in the IFL (after the Gut Contest) - the 2006 Turkey of the Year award!!!! Go to the IFL website and vote! F those other elections, this is where it's at. Whoever wins Turkey of the Year will set the tone for the next decade in Congress.

Here is a list of the 10 nominees, in no particular order.

Mike B. He's loud, obnoxious, full of himself, he's a well-known complainer, and let us not forget Frankiegate. AND HIS CAPS OBSESSION. To his credit, he's come into the IFL and been a force...but that's just another reason Turkski's a strong candidate for Turk, because we're going to have to hear about his fantasy greatness.

RVG. A perennial candidate, the Whole Fucking Turk is selling out by moving out of the city. Who the hell would do that. The GI Meter hasn't been as off the charts as in previous years, but he just confirmed that the Phillies got Soriano and McNabb is probable for next week's game at Indi.

Holland. The good news is, Holland finally learned how to use a computer. The bad news - our lives are all worse because Holland uses the computer. Add in the fact that he's 11-0 in the IFL and we'll never hear the end of it...and you have yourself a big fat Turkey with all the trimmings. Make sure you pluck the feathers though.

Meatball. Meatballs are traditionally not a Thanksgiving dish, but Joey has been one of the more controversial stories in the IFL this year, and could very well be a top contender for the poultry. Anyone who he's screwed by starting injured players or by his general incompetence and apathy toward the IFL (he's 3-20 so far in his career) will be compelled to vote for him.

Snyder. Don't be fooled by the new team name, he's still as big a Ballbuster as ever, and a big prick too. His legendary email feuds were as heated as ever this year, including the Borski CAPS incident, and the various arguments with Shu. Since he's never short on enemies in the IFL, you have to consider Snyde as prime Turk material.

Tone Money. Tone Turkey is always a good time, either on the fantasy field or at the Turkey Day dinner table (where he will be with me this year at my grandpa's house). However, we only see the Damn Best about once or twice a year any more, because he's too busy partying in Europe or hitting the night clubs in New York City. So we're just going to assume he's been the Damn Turk all year, and throw him a nomination.

Shu. This former Turkey winner may not have had his greatest year by Turk standards, but let us not forget, he is Shu, which is always good for Turkey points. The Italian Kosher Turkey spent a couple weeks in Thailand playing a little me-so-horny with the Thai women, and also getting anally raped. Good news - any incidents that take place outside the country still count toward Turkey eligibility!

Shap. This member of the Turk Hall of Fame and multiple Turkey winner is a lifetime nominee. You may be asking - how can someone be eligible for Turkey of the Year when nobody's seen him all year? When one of the main qualifications to being a Turk is just being Shap, that, in and of itself, is overwhelming evidence.

B Whit. It's been a dismal fantasy year for the commissioner and perennial Turk contender. Not only is he doing a poor job as commish, but he's on pace to tie the worst season in IFL history (1-10 now). Add in the fact that he's moved, not only out of the city, but across the river to the state of New Wachowski (which is actually half-owned by John Ellis (only the good half)), and you have someone who would look great stuffed on your Turkey Day table.

Pisco. Another former Turkey winner, this guy reeks of Turkey. He is the essence of Turkdom, just by his mere presence. As long as Pisco exists in this world, he will be a top contender for Turkey of the Year, hands down. No specific evidence is needed here.

******************
And now for the dishonorary unmentionables, who fell short of Turk nominations. Better luck next year.

Chaos. Since we never hear from the guy, unless he's selling fake WWE ringside seats, we could not qualify him for Turk status.

Ellis. The guy basically owns half of Philadelphia and South Jersey, so I don't want to piss him off. However, I am happy to report that my eminent domain case against him is heading to the Supreme Court.

The Wo-Man. Wo kinda hangs around and doesn't really shake the tree, except when he's hungry and needs some coconuts or pineapples. We let him host the draft this year, with a promise that he'll be more of a Turkey next year.

Turkvine. His strange man-boy love with Shu would have made him a fine candidate for Turkey, but he filed his paperwork too late.

Devo. His return to the IFL has been met with little fanfare, and the results have matched. Therefore, we don't want to give him any more publicity than he deserves, so he is not Turk-eligible.