2007 Turkey of the Year Candidates

Turkey Time is here, and this year we have 10 of the most qualified candidates of all time. So stick a yam up your ass and browse through the nominees, head to the IFL website and vote on the poll.

Mike P. A multiple TotY winner, and you know the saying - once a turkey, always a turkey. This year is no exception. He earned the ire of all IFL owners throughout the year, wherever and whenever he was seen in public. His turkiest move was probably trying to run a test of his newfangled fantasy software in a production environment – the actual IFL Draft! Everyone knows that’s bad business practice. He even received a dubious “Thumbs Down” distinction in Information Week magazine for his questionable actions. Anyway, if not this year, it’s a lock that Mike will win the poultry at least a few more times in his career due to his turk personality.

Ballbusting Bob. He insists on cooking only male turkeys on Thanksgiving, just so he can squeeze its raw testicles at the dinner table (get it – “Ballbuster”). Anyway, BB is always a turk, generally getting under people’s skin, and stinking up whichever room he is in with his lethal ass. This is definitely one fowl turkey.

Tone Money. It’s hard to tell how turkey Tone has been this year, since he spent most of 2007 galavanting across Eurasia (Turkey, Turkmenistan) and the Caribbean Islands (Turks and Caicos). However, in his one public appearance he was his usual turk self, wearing shoes that could blind a turkey. Tone Turkey is the Damn Turk and always will be our favorite Turkish-American feathered friend.

John E. Well we know one glaring reason why John is on this list, and that is his godawful fantasy team, the 2007 Lizard Turkeys. He reeks of mismanagement (his job, his home life, his financial decisions, etc.) so this comes as no surprise. Other than that, it’s been the standard John E. turk year, although he did win some non-Turkey points by hosting a couple NFL Sundays. Ah, who cares, this guy is a venti turkey latte if there ever was one.

Mike B. Mike always cooks the biggest turkey on Thanksgiving. He spent most of the year basting himself because his wife has a turkey in the oven. Also, he annoyed the piss out of each us on numerous occasions with his turk-minded banter. He did host the IFL Draft, and his turkey nachos were outstanding, so we give him credit for that. Otherwise, he is still a prime Turkey contender.

Shu. Turkey Nose Shu is a perennial contender and 2005 Turkey of the Year. He spent much of this year in Baltimore hanging out with Quinn and Mike B like some kind of fruity pants group hitting the gay bars. But we love Shu, because he’s plump, juicy, and he makes for great leftovers for the week after Thanksgiving.

Meatball. Turkey is one of the top-secret ingredients in my meatballs, so Meat automatically will be nominated every year (until I change my recipe). This Butterball is the defending Turkey champion, and he has been notorious for having the turkiest of IFL teams each season. This year, he’s been considerably better (.500 after 10 weeks), so perhaps he is turning the corner. Outside of fantasy circles, he’s his usual turkey self, stuffing his face and drinking until he can’t see, which is always a great reason to vote for him.

Shap. Now how can Shap be nominated again this year, you ask? Not only is he not in the IFL, he live in Shaplanta now! But if I have my say, it will be re-namd Turklanta, because if there ever was someone who personified Turkdom, it is this big turkey named Shap. As long as he breathes his stinky turkey breath, he will be on the chopping block, and I personally can’t wait to bite into his succulent breasts on Turkey Day.

Whit. The biggest-mouth turkey of them all, I am a prime candidate. After all, I have a massive turkey neck, I love the wishbone (when Oklahoma used to run it in the 70s and 80s), and I’m good for at least 4 slices of pumpkin pie with Cool Whip. Plus now that my wife’s turkey egg has hatched, I have no life and I’ll probably never see you all again except for drafts and Holland’s bar mitzvah.

Holland. This guy drives around in his Turkmobile like he’s hot shit, but in reality, he’s a big soft turkey with lots of stuffing. His gut looks like he’s trying to smuggle a 30-lb turkey out of the supermarket like in Animal House. And he is known to warm up turkey sandwiches by sticking them under his armpits. None of this is actually true, but if you know Holland, he is definitely in your Fave 5 turkeys.

These guys just missed the turkey cut, they clearly didn't have the gizzards to contend.

RVG. The whole fuckin turk didn’t have an extremely non-turk year, but there were so many wonderful turk candidates, that RVG missed the cut. Better luck next year.

Chaos. If I saw him more, I’m sure he’d be one of the top 2 turks, but since the guy is such a workaholic, he’s off the list.

Chris Turk. He’s the defending IFL Champ and he’s having a splendid season thus far. Also he is a smooth operator and is so hated by everyone else, that they would refuse to vote for him, because they don’t want to give him any more publicity.

Wo-Man. What can I say about the Wo, he’s too nice of a guy. Maybe next year he has to throw someone in the pool or kick someone in the nuts at the draft to get nominated.

Devo. We’re still not over the whole leaving the IFL thing, so we refuse to acknowledge your presence. However, he is awarded the IFL Congressional Turkey Medal for the sins of his past.