Playoff Scenario heading into Week 13

WHAT WE KNOW

We know that Hit Squad (12-0, West Champs) is the #1 seed and Part Time Pimps (10-2, East Champs) are the #2 seed, and they will have Week 14 off. I'm sure they will undoubtedly spend their vacation on a weekend ski trip, so they can snuggle with each other by the fire. Congrats homos. Hit Squad receives $170 for their troubles, and PTP receives $150. By the way, it's a completely meaningless game, but they play each other in Week 13. That is, if you consider Holland trying to be the first to go 13-0 meaningless.

We also know that BC Bombers, Notorious RVG, and Lizard Kings (all 8-4) have all clinched a playoff spot. See below for their breakdown.


CENTRAL SHAKEDOWN - 3, 4, 5 SEEDS

Now for the meat and potatoes section of the playoffs. We know who the #3, #4, and #5 seeds are, we just don't know in which order they'll fall. And they are the three teams tied atop the Central at 8-4 - B.C. Bombers, Lizard Kings, and Notorious RVG. All formidable foes. Regardless, they've already clinched that they're going to be playing in Week 14, so basically the main prize here is the money for the division ($130 as opposed to $70 or $60), as well as the #3 seed's privelege of playing the #6 seed, a considerable dropoff this season. And the two non-division winners will play each other in the 4 vs. 5 Wild Card game in Week 14. Here's how it will shake down:

BCB and RVG play each other in Week 13, so that simplifies things somewhat. The loser of that game will be 8-5 and will not win the division.

Lizard Kings play Blue Dogs. If they lose, they won't win the division, and the winner of BCB-RVG wins it. For simplicity's sake, let's hope Lizard Kings lose.

However, if LK wins... we will have a tiebreaker situation. If BCB beats RVG, LK will win the division based on the head-to-head tiebreaker (LK swept BCB). If RVG wins, we will have to go to the 3rd tiebreaker, total points (LK and RVG split, and they will both have a 5-3 division record). As of now, RVG has a 76-point lead over LK...so unless LK goes completely apeshit, it looks like an RVG-LK tie will go to RVG.

To summarize:

• LK wins, RVG wins = RVG wins division (probably).
• LK wins, BCB wins = LK wins division.
• LK loses, RVG wins = RVG wins division.
• LK loses, BCB wins = BCB wins division.

Whoever is the 4 or 5 seed doesn't matter, except for the purposes of money, as they'll be playing each other anyway.

#6 SEED - 4 DOPES

Here, we have 4 teams fighting for 1 spot. Razen Kanes and Mud Dogs are both 6-6, while Dragons and Dead Beats are both 5-7 (amazingly still alive).

Razen Kanes (6-6) play Dragons (5-7) in Week 13. Also, Mud Dogs (6-6) take on BPM, while Dead Beats (5-7) take on Meatballs.

Obviously, either RK or MD can take the #6 seed by winning and the other losing. However, if they both win, we have to go to the total points tiebreaker, since they did not meet during the season. And as of now, RK leads MD by a slim margin, of only 6 points, 1033-1027. The next tiebreaker after that is Most Points Against (strength of schedule) - this according to the Constitution on the IFL web site. MD has 1121 PA, RK has 1092 PA.

Now, regarding the two 5-7 teams (Dragons/DB), obviously, if one of the 6-6 teams win, they're both out regardless. Or if they lose themselves, they're obviously out. The only possible way these two dopes would become involved in a tiebreaker is if they win and both RK and MD lose (Dragons play RK, remember, so that game would complete 33% of the equation). So there would have to be at least a 3-way tiebreaker. And since both RK and MD would be involved, and they didn't play each other, the tiebreaker would be - highest total points amongst all teams tied at 6-7. And surprisingly, the 5-7 teams hold that advantage as of now. Here's how it stacks up after 12 weeks:

Dragons 1128
Dead Beats 1105
Razen Kanes 1033
Mud Dogs 1027

To summarize:

MD wins, RK wins = tiebreaker decides #6 seed
MD wins, RK loses = MD is #6 seed
MD loses, RK wins = RK is #6 seed
MD and RK lose, Dragons win, DB loses = 3-way total pts tiebreaker decides #6 seed (MD/RK/Drag)
MD and RK lose, Dragons and DB win = 4-way total pts tiebreaker decides #6 seed (MD/RK/Drag/DB)

It's that simple.

And I almost forgot, here's the Playoff Money breakdown, by seed:

1 - $170 (Hit Squad)
2 - $150 (PTP)
3 - $130
4 - $70
5 - $60
6 - $50

IFL Champion = $400
Runner-up = $140

IFL Week 11 Monday Night Diarrhea

The following games have HUGE fantasy implications!!!!!

Dead Beats 74, Biff Pocoroba Massacre 62
(DB has Reg. Williams, BPM has Jones-Drew)
Does anyone care about this game? I guess Dead Beats are still in the hunt for the #6 seed, so I guess this is somewhat noteworthy. For the Beats, LJ was worth 28 and Wayne worth 25...so do the math and you can figure how the rest of the team did. For Biff, it was the usual slop led by Thomas Jones' 15. A comeback win is not out of the question tonight, and it would certainly put a nail in King Chaos' coffin. Keep in mind that we are in an even-numbered year, in which Dead Beats always blow moosecock (yet they win titles in odd-numbered years). If DB wins, they will be 5-6 and still alive, if not he'll be 4-7 and dead in the water. Biff needs a win to keep pace with Mighty Meatballs.

Napalm Death 84, Mighty Meatballs 72
(ND has Tiki; MM has Plaxico)
I thought my game was bad.... 2 horseshit teams here. The best possible result is ND going to 4-7 and Meatballs falling to a career-best 2-9.


These games are ovah.

Part Time Pimps 72, Mud Dogs 67
(FINAL)
Wow - this has to be one of the most unusual games in IFL history. PTP was putting up an all-time clunker until LT completely bailed them out on Sunday night, putting up 51, an amazing 70% of his team's output for the week. Don't cry for MudDogs, they didn't deserve to win either, with their Dolphins D putting up the majority of their points, with 27. Congrats to PTP, who clinches the East, going to 9-2. MudDogs fall back in the pack at 5-6.

Razen Kanes 104, BC Bombers 100
(FINAL)
A big win for Tone Money as he goes to 6-5. This was all Patriots, as Brady (38) and the Pats D (31) provided much of the Kanes' punch. The Bombers fell short despite the great day for Frank Gore (28)...but if he only had a TD to go with those 212 rushing yards! BCB falls back in the crowded Central to 7-4, still very much in the playoff picture.

Notorious RVG 101, Lizard Kings 97
(FINAL)
Oh poor Ellis. He had a chance to take the Central division by the balls, but Javon Walker came up small, with only 6 in the Sunday nighter. He had a well-balanced attack led by who else, Steve Smith's 21. The Notorious one was led by the Carolina D (42), one of many D's in the league who had big days yesterday. In this Game of the Week (it woulda been had I posted one), Gross takes a 1-game lead in the Central at 8-3, while Lizard Kings fall back to 7-4 tied with BC Bombers.

9 Fingers 63, Blue Dogs 48
(9F had Eli; BD is done)
More manure-like substances in this battle of the Central lesser-thans. Shu is 4-7, Blue is 3-8. Time to start checking the mail for Bowl Game invitations. The Cambodian Leaf Blower Bowl sponsored by Lincoln Financial Ass-ets awaits.

Hit Squad 190, Dragons 43
(HS is done; Dragons have F Taylor and Jags DEF)
Dragons started the wrong Bell! Tatum was inactive and Mike Bell put up 20. This surely would've been the difference and Wo should have won. Meanwhile, back in fantasy land, Holland has set a new IFL record for most consecutive wins to start a season, maybe the record for most consecutive wins ever, I'll have to check the archives. It's getting ridiculous. The only hope for us all is that the McNabb injury will slow the Hit Squad down. Yesterday's numbers - Lee Evans 62, Chad Johnson 50, T Henry 29, Westbrook 27. Sickening. HS is 11-0 and has clinched a bye. Their magic number for the 1 seed is 1, but an interesting matchup looms in Week 13, when he faces off against his cousin's PTPs in an incestual orgy of bloated fantasy numbers, large cocks, and hairy backs, that could actually be for the #1 seed if Holland loses next week and Mike B wins. As for Dragons, the timing couldn't be any worse. First they lose the midterm elections, then Wo finds out his son's projected height at adulthood is only going to be 6'7 3/4", and now they are officially eliminated from the West Division race at 5-6.

2006 TURKEY OF THE YEAR CANDIDATES

The holiday season is here, which means the IFL season is winding down, but Turkey season is in full gear. It's the 2nd most time-honored tradition in the IFL (after the Gut Contest) - the 2006 Turkey of the Year award!!!! Go to the IFL website and vote! F those other elections, this is where it's at. Whoever wins Turkey of the Year will set the tone for the next decade in Congress.

Here is a list of the 10 nominees, in no particular order.

Mike B. He's loud, obnoxious, full of himself, he's a well-known complainer, and let us not forget Frankiegate. AND HIS CAPS OBSESSION. To his credit, he's come into the IFL and been a force...but that's just another reason Turkski's a strong candidate for Turk, because we're going to have to hear about his fantasy greatness.

RVG. A perennial candidate, the Whole Fucking Turk is selling out by moving out of the city. Who the hell would do that. The GI Meter hasn't been as off the charts as in previous years, but he just confirmed that the Phillies got Soriano and McNabb is probable for next week's game at Indi.

Holland. The good news is, Holland finally learned how to use a computer. The bad news - our lives are all worse because Holland uses the computer. Add in the fact that he's 11-0 in the IFL and we'll never hear the end of it...and you have yourself a big fat Turkey with all the trimmings. Make sure you pluck the feathers though.

Meatball. Meatballs are traditionally not a Thanksgiving dish, but Joey has been one of the more controversial stories in the IFL this year, and could very well be a top contender for the poultry. Anyone who he's screwed by starting injured players or by his general incompetence and apathy toward the IFL (he's 3-20 so far in his career) will be compelled to vote for him.

Snyder. Don't be fooled by the new team name, he's still as big a Ballbuster as ever, and a big prick too. His legendary email feuds were as heated as ever this year, including the Borski CAPS incident, and the various arguments with Shu. Since he's never short on enemies in the IFL, you have to consider Snyde as prime Turk material.

Tone Money. Tone Turkey is always a good time, either on the fantasy field or at the Turkey Day dinner table (where he will be with me this year at my grandpa's house). However, we only see the Damn Best about once or twice a year any more, because he's too busy partying in Europe or hitting the night clubs in New York City. So we're just going to assume he's been the Damn Turk all year, and throw him a nomination.

Shu. This former Turkey winner may not have had his greatest year by Turk standards, but let us not forget, he is Shu, which is always good for Turkey points. The Italian Kosher Turkey spent a couple weeks in Thailand playing a little me-so-horny with the Thai women, and also getting anally raped. Good news - any incidents that take place outside the country still count toward Turkey eligibility!

Shap. This member of the Turk Hall of Fame and multiple Turkey winner is a lifetime nominee. You may be asking - how can someone be eligible for Turkey of the Year when nobody's seen him all year? When one of the main qualifications to being a Turk is just being Shap, that, in and of itself, is overwhelming evidence.

B Whit. It's been a dismal fantasy year for the commissioner and perennial Turk contender. Not only is he doing a poor job as commish, but he's on pace to tie the worst season in IFL history (1-10 now). Add in the fact that he's moved, not only out of the city, but across the river to the state of New Wachowski (which is actually half-owned by John Ellis (only the good half)), and you have someone who would look great stuffed on your Turkey Day table.

Pisco. Another former Turkey winner, this guy reeks of Turkey. He is the essence of Turkdom, just by his mere presence. As long as Pisco exists in this world, he will be a top contender for Turkey of the Year, hands down. No specific evidence is needed here.

******************
And now for the dishonorary unmentionables, who fell short of Turk nominations. Better luck next year.

Chaos. Since we never hear from the guy, unless he's selling fake WWE ringside seats, we could not qualify him for Turk status.

Ellis. The guy basically owns half of Philadelphia and South Jersey, so I don't want to piss him off. However, I am happy to report that my eminent domain case against him is heading to the Supreme Court.

The Wo-Man. Wo kinda hangs around and doesn't really shake the tree, except when he's hungry and needs some coconuts or pineapples. We let him host the draft this year, with a promise that he'll be more of a Turkey next year.

Turkvine. His strange man-boy love with Shu would have made him a fine candidate for Turkey, but he filed his paperwork too late.

Devo. His return to the IFL has been met with little fanfare, and the results have matched. Therefore, we don't want to give him any more publicity than he deserves, so he is not Turk-eligible.

Top 10 IFL Scorers after Week 5

1. D McNabb QB Hit Sq 167
2. P Manning QB RVG 102
3. Westbrook RB Hit Sq 100 (4 gm)
4. M Bulger QB PTP 96
5. L Johnson RB D Beats 95 (4 gm)
6. Grossman QB L Kings 95
7. B Favre QB BPM 91
8. E Manning QB 9 Fing 88 (4 gm)
9. F Gore RB BCB 88
10. D Brees QB ND 83

Week 6 pickup order

1. Mighty Meatballs (0-5 304 pts)

2. Nine Fingers (1-4 369 pts)
3. Biff Poco Mass (1-4 477 pts)

4. Blue Dogs Group (2-3 407 pts)
5. Dragons (2-3 434 pts)
6. Lizard Kings (2-3 442 pts)
7. Dead Beats (2-3 465 pts)
8. Nucular Death (2-3 478 pts)

9. Part Time Pimps (3-2 498 pts)
10. Notorious RVG (3-2 513 pts)

11. Mudd Dogs (4-1 416 pts)
12. Raisin Kanes (4-1 457 pts)
13. Before Christ Bombers (4-1 549 pts)

14. (s)Hit Squad (5-0 613 pts)


Good luck scraping the bottom of the barrel!

Week 5 Monday Night Morbidity

GAME OVER

Blue Dogs 85, Notorious RVG 82
FINAL - (RVG is done, BD has Jamal Lewis)
Blue Dogs off the snyde with a fair and balanced lineup, featuring Plexiglass (15), Reggae Brown (13) and Boldin (13). RVG was killed by a couple donkey games - 1-point efforts by both Gonzo and Wilford. Blue Dogs need 58 out of Lewis to win the $20. They're at 2-3 while RVG falls to 3-2 in the Central.

Dead Beats 103, Mighty Meatballs 20
FINAL
In what is by far the most troubling and apathetic (and pathetic) performance in IFL history, Meatball starts 3 players who were well known to be OUT - Stallworth, Culpepper, and Vinatieri. Unacceptable effort. Dead Beats had a decent day anyway, so we'll say they deserve the W. LJ had a big day with 27, but was hurt late in the game. Stay tuned for his prognosis. Dead Beats will be 2-3 in the East. Meatballs are 0-5.

Razen Kanes 83, Nine Fingers 56
FINAL
I can't knock Shu too much because at least there is some semblance of an effort there. His team just had a subpar day yesterday. OK he's having a subpar year. TO was worth 3, and that pretty much set the tone for the rest of his lineup. Speaking of Tone, the Damn Best is a shocking 4-1 in the West but in 2nd place! Deuce led the way with a 21-spot. Shu falls to 1-4 in the Central.

Hit Squad 143, Mud Dogs 46
(HS is done; MD has Mark Clayton, WR-Bal)
OK I'm officially frightened by Holland. However, I still say this team will go as far as McNabb and Westbrook take them, and if they stay as white-hot as they are, it could be a 10-year anniversary championship for Hit Squad. Mud Dogs were basically exposed for the pathetic team that they are, and I truly feel this week was more of an indication of how good the team is as opposed to their 4 wins. Hit Squad remains atop the West at 5-0, Mud Dogs still in 1st in the East at 4-1.


NOT SO FAST, MY FRIENDS

Dragons 89, Biff Pocoroba Massacre 53
(DGNS are done; BPM has Stover and Balt D)
In this matchup between the dregs of the West, it will come down to defense and special teams - which is what fantasy is all about. Balt D is averaging about 31 ppg, so it's not inconceivable that the Massacre pulls this out, but in Denver it might be a tough night for them. Hopefully Stover will bang a couple 50-yarders in that mile high air. As for Dragons effort yesterday, they were aided by the Dallas D's 21 while Wo-Man was not even watching the game! In fact, I would bet that he was secretly rooting for the Cowboys deep down inside. How can you root for this guy? You can't. The winner of this one will be 2-3 in the West and the loser will fall 4 games back of Hit Squad at 1-4.

BC Bombers 102, Lizard Kings 94
(BCB is done; LK has J. Walker and Heap)
I'd have to say chances are good that BC Bombers have lost their first game, at the hands of none other than John E. Lizard Kings' big hitter was the Eagles D, worth 37 in a herculean effort. BCB had a better than expected effort out of fill-in QB Damon Huard (22 pts), and starting RBs Gore and C. Taylor each chipped in 21. But that was about it, and on this day, the Eagles D looks like they will reign supreme again, unless Walker and Heap each lay major league eggs, which is definitely possible.

Part Time Pimps 114, Napalm Death 72
(PTP has D. Mason; ND has Broncos DEF)
PTPs were hugely aided by their D and special teams (hopefully a sign of things to come for me tonite) - with Vikings D worth 39 and Robbie F'n Gould putting up 23. At this rate he'll be the first kicker to be NFL MVP since Mark Moseley in '82. As for the IFL, he's still considered half a man. Speaking of half-men, half-robots, Devo is in danger of slipping to 2-3 in the East. Pimps are in danger of going to 3-2 in the East.

Week 5 Slick Picks

Cambodian Slick had last week off, but it was no vacation. I had to travel back to Cambodia to settle a paternity suit. That is all I’m allowed to say according to my attorney.


NFL PICKS

This week’s NFL slate is highlighted by the battle of the Bay, 49ers vs. Raiders. That game promises to be so intense, that I refuse to pick it, for fear of offending anyone.

Giants 36, Redskins 21 (NYG -5)
Chargers 24, Steelers 17 (SD -3)
Ravens 16, Broncos 6 (Den -4)
Eagles 17, Cowboys 16 (Philly -2)


COLLEGE PICKS

A little revenge is in order for the Sooners this week, as the Red River Shootout takes place down in the Cotton Bowl. Texas snapped a 6-game losing streak to Oklahoma in last year’s game.

Penn State 34, Minnesota 23 (PSU -3)
LSU 21, Florida 17 (LSU -1.5)
Georgia 30, Tennessee 28 (Tenn -2.5)
California 41, Oregon 34 (Cal -4.5)
Oklahoma 20, Texas 16 (Tex -4)
Kent 34, Temple 8 (Kent -24)

Anyone who is a 24 point dog to f’n Kent, is a dog who needs to be shot.


IFL PICKS

I’m all over the favorites this week.

Biff Pocoroba Massacre over Dragons
Napalm Death over Part Time Pimps
Dead Beats over Mighty Meatballs
BC Bombers over Lizard Kings
Notorious RVG over Blue Dogs
Razen Kanes over Nine Fingers

GAME OF THE WEEK: Mud Dogs (4-0) vs. Hit Squad (4-0). It’s been a while since 2 IFL teams who were unbeaten faced off this late in the season. The last time was 1974 when Jebediah Snyder’s Testes Busters and Grandpa Ellis’ Better than Prune Juice faced off in Week 6, with both teams 5-0. The Juice pulled it off of course, thanks to none other than O.J. Simpson’s huge day. Just a little history lesson for ya. Anything beats talking about these two teams…who’d have thought Mike P and Holland would get out of the chute winning their first 4 games, let alone win 4 games all season? Prediction: Hit Squad by 34, then they lose their last 8 games.


Have a great weekend, go Birds, and always, ALWAYS wear a rubber.
-CS

Week 4 - IFL Dancing with the Stars

And the IFL gay dancer who sucked the most this week was: Mighty Meatballs owner Joey Meatball. So you are voted off the show by virtue of your 2 left feet and your low-ass score of 59, dropping you to 0-4 in the IFL. Also contributing to your demise, during the conga line dance, not only did you fall, but when RVG was in front of you, you were grabbing his ass too hard and now he has your fingerprints imprinted in his butt cheeks.

Meatball joins other shitty dancers Chaos, John E, and Shu on the sidelines as evicted houseguests.

And we have 2 houseguests with immunity for Week 5, and they are Holland and Tone Money, who put up 123 pts each (Chaos won the week with 145 but he's already evicted). Of course, you had to know the black guy was gonna win the dance contest. And that means only 8 people are eligible for eviction next week!

Join us next week in IFL Reality land!

Week 4 Results/ Wk 5 pickup order

Notorious RVG 116, Biff Pocoroba Massacre 91
B.C. Bombers 70, Blue Dogs 60
Mud Dogs 103, Dragons 82
Hit Squad 123, Nine Fingers 89
Razen Kanes 123, Part Time Pimps 80
Napalm Death 96, Mighty Meatballs 59
Dead Beats 145, Lizard Kings 93


...and your pickup order for the Week 5 transactions is:

1. Mighty Meatballs (0-4; 284 pts)

2. Nine Fingers (1-3; 313 pts)
3. Blue Dogs (1-3; 321 pts)
4. Lizard Kings (1-3; 338)
5. Dragons (1-3; 345 pts)
6. Dead Beats (1-3; 362 pts)
7. Biff Pocoroba Massacre (1-3; 408 pts)

8. Part Time Pimps (2-2; 381 pts)
9. Napalm Death (2-2; 386 pts)

10. Razen Kanes (3-1; 374 pts)
11. Notorious RVG (3-1; 431 pts)

12. Mud Dogs (4-0; 365 fraudulent pts)
13. BC Bombers (4-0; 447 pts)
14. Hit Squad (4-0; 470 pts)

Week 4 Predictions - cancelled

Due to unfortunate circumstances involving a powerful storm in the Atlantic, a chimpanzee named Francis, and 3 dozen 15-watt light bulbs, Cambodian Slick's Week 4 Predictions have been cancelled. They should return for the Week 5 games.

In my one and only plug for my non-gambling blog ever, check out http://cambodianfootball.blogspot.com, where I post my real life college and pro picks (when I have time to do that). Until the gov't takes the ability to gamble online away from us. Pricks!

IFL Survivor: Lake Titicaca

The tribe has spoken. By a vote of 11-0, 9 Fingers owner Shu, you have been voted off the Island. You will now be thrown into the swampy crocodile-infested waters to swim with the remains of the other evicted guests, Chaos and John E. Don't forget your rubbers.

Shu, your point total of 59 this week warrants this eviction. 11 castaways remain on IFL Survivor.

The Biff Pocoroba Massacre has immunity for Week 4 by virtue of their stunning 155 points dropped this week.

Week 3 IFL Results

Did I mention there were seven IFL games this past weekend? Not sure if you guys heard. I know Tone Money had no idea there was a game.

Mud Dogs 79, Dead Beats 62
BC Bombers 114, Nine Fingers 59
Notorious RVG 107, Part Time Pimps 90
Dragons 88, Mighty Meatballs 64
Hit Squad 115, Napalm Death 103
Lizard Kings 124, Razen Kanes 60
Biff Pocoroba Massacre 155, Blue Dogs 103

Week 4 Pickup Order

This week's pickup order is dedicated to Mike P and Bob S.

1. Dead Dogs (0-3; 217 pts)
2. Mighty Dogs (0-3; 225 pts)

3. Nine Dogs (1-2; 224 pts)
4. Lizard Dogs (1-2; 245 pts)
5. Blue Dogs (1-2; 261 pts)
6. Dragon Dogs (1-2; 263 pts)
7. Napalm Dogs (1-2; 290 pts)
8. Biff Pocoroba's Dog (1-2; 317 f*cking pts MOTHERF*CKER)

9. Razen Dogs (2-1; 251 pts)
10. Part Time Dogs (2-1; 301 pts)
11. Notorious DOG (2-1; 315 pts)

12. Mud Dogs (3-0; 262 pts)
13. Hit Dogs (3-0; 347 pts)
14. Bucks County Canine Society (3-0; 377 pts)

Week 3 Monday Night Meltdown

Week 3 almost in the books. How bout them Biff Pocoroba Massacres. That's 20 dogs at the Phillies game tonite.

Only 2 games have implications tonight, but they're big ones and they're close as balls.

Notorious RVG 100, Part Time Pimps 88
(RVG has Bush; PTP has Dunn)
It's gonna be a thriller tonight in the Superdome. Reggie Bush's home debut coincides with this huge early-season IFL tilt between these two dopes, and his and Warrick Dunn's performance are going to have huge implications. RVG has pretty balanced scoring all around, and Andre Johnson was the high man with 27. PTP looked a little more human, with not too many big days other than Bulger's inflated 22. PTP needs the win to stay unbeaten in the East, RVG will either be a game over or 1 under .500 in the Central.

Hit Squad 110, Napalm Death 99
(HS has Crumpler; ND has Falcons DEF)
If I were Hit Squad, I'd be painting my face green and running around doing E-A-G-L-E-S chants in my tightie whities. They looked pathetic during the 1:00 games, but Donnie Mac and B-West had a field day in SF, with a combined 67 pts (BW worth 45). Those 2, and Lee Evans' 19, were really all that Hit Squad brought to the table. Poor Devo...the prick gets a meager 25 out of Palmer (seems low for a 4 TD day), 26 out of Greg f-ing Jennings, and 24 out of Kasay! And he could still lose. This is going to be a close one... I tend to think the Falcons could dominate like they did their other NFC South opponents, so ND still has a good shot at winning this one. If they do, they'll be 2-1, and so will Hit Squad. If it's a Crumpler night...Hit Squad stays amongst the ranks of the unbeaten and alone atop the West.


The following games are either over or essentially over.

Biff Pocoroba Massacre 155, Blue Dogs 79
(BPM is done; BD has Saints DEF)
I think we've found a new starting QB in the Land of Biff. After 2 weeks of Plummer's shenanigans, Favre stepped right in and showed 'em how it's done. Brett shredded the Lions D for a 42-bomb. It's like '94 all over again! Add into the mix long-awaited explosions from Roy Williams (27) and Muhammad (21), and it looks like we have ourselves a new $20 winner. I'm goin' to Sizzler! As for Blue Dogs, it was all Holt (27) and Boldin (22) and a bunch of crap. Saints D needs to completely demolish the Falcons and put up 76, which would have been easily attainable via the old scoring system. B.P. Massacre gets off the Snyde and goes to 1-2 in the Wide Open West, Blue Dogs are 1-2 in the Central.

Lizard Kings 124, Razen Kanes 51
(LK is done; RK has Deuce)
Which of these teams was 0-2 going in and which one was 2-0? Not who you'd think if you look at this outcome. Tone Money's Kanes definitely look fraudulent after this pathetic performance. Brady put up 23 and that was about it. For the Kings, Javon Walker's huge Sunday night (35) put them into the upper IFL stratosphere, even topping Willie Parker's great day (28). Not to mention, John E's first-rounder Steve Smith was back in the lineup, worth 19, and just like his NFL team, Smith has the ability to make his team that much better. Kanes fall back in with the cool crowd at 2-1 (barring Deuce miracle), while the LKs will be 1-2 in the Central.

B.C. Bombers 114, Nine Fingers 59
FINAL
Another day at the office for Chris T, another piss poor performance for Shu. Eli put up 21 for the Fingers, but that was it. He has people in his starting lineup that shouldn't be on NFL rosters. Bombers were carried by Hasselbeck (31). BC remains undefeated at 3-0 atop the Central, Shu is 1-2 and fading fast.

Mud Dogs 79, Dead Beats 47
(MD is done; DB has Carney)
I wouldn't mind Mud Dogs winning if we didn't have to hear from Mike P. ever. Yes, it's true they might be the worst 3-0 team ever, but what's going on in Dead Beats land is even more troubling. I know LJ was on a bye, but this is ridiculous. Two players had goose eggs (Dom Rhodes and Chad Jackson). Unacceptable, especially for a 3-time champion. I think it might be time for Dead Beats to say goodbye. And I don't know who Mud Dogs play next week but I sure hope the MDs lose so we can put a muzzle on Mike P. and get our lives back to normal. MD = 3-0 in the East. DB = 0-3 in the East. Worst. Team. Ever.

Dragons 88, Mighty Meatballs 64
FINAL
You can finally put one in the win column for the Phightin' Dragons. However, their MVP was Mighty Meatballs owner Meatball. He was stuck with 2 injured players in his starting lineup (Stallworth and Vinatieri), while he was hanging out in Wildwood getting shot down by 16 and 17-year old girls at the arcade. Stallworth was kind of a surprise to everyone, but this team still looks pretty bad. McGahee was the only bright spot, and he was only worth 18 in a 150-yd performance. For Dragonbreath, that 2nd round pick Portis finally paid some dividends, putting up 26. D-Jax (20) and D Mason (21) were also money. Congrats to the Wo as he climbs toward that tall peak that is 100 wins! Meatballs...still 99 away. They are 0-3 in the East, Dragons are 1-2 in the West.

Cambodian Slick's Week 3 Predictions

If you see my predictions on the IFL Blog, you know the weekend is here. Unless you are Cambodian Slick, who is confined to his Center City office working late! Imagine the heinousity. Regardless, I have carved out a 10-hour window during my work day so I could refine my picks, which are sure to excite and pleasure all of you.

NFL Picks

There are some really, really great games in Week 3, and I've had my eye on several of them all week. So rather than bore you with a couple sentences before giving you the picks, I'm just going to give you the picks. That is all. Oh, don't forget to turn your clocks back this weekend. And if you think of it, call your local congressman and complain about something. Anything. And don't get me started on the Birds last week.... (although I did have the vision to predict a 6-point loss for them)...

Last week: 3-4 ATS, 5-2 straight up
Year to date: 9-5 ATS! 11-3 straight up

Jest 24, Bills 20 (Buff -5.5)
Steelers 27, Bengals 13 (Pitt -2)
Jaguars 33, Colts 24 (Indi -7) how trendy to pick the Jags!
Vikings 21, Bears 13 (Chi-3)
Seahawks 38, Giants 20 (Sea -3.5)
Eagles 24, 49ers 21 (Philly -6)
Patriots 27, Broncos 16 (Pats -7)
Falcons 35, Saints 0 (ATL -4) what a feel good story!


College Picks

WOW did Oklahoma get robbed last week. At least they get to take their frustration out on Middle Tennessee this week. I encourage all of you to boycott any and all products of Oregon, not the least of which, Portland's own The Dandy Warhols. Just for a week.

Last week: 4-4 ATS, 5-3 straight up
Year to date: 5-7 ATS, 9-3 straight up

Michigan 30, Wisconsin 21 (Mich -13.5)
Iowa 49, Illinois 7 (Iowa -21)
Ohio State 38, Penn State 14 (OSU -16.5)
Notre Dame 31, Michigan State 20 (ND -2.5)
Western Michigan 52, Temple 0 (WMU -28)

How bad is Western Michigan??? They're only favored by 4 touchdowns over Temple! They must really suck.


IFL Picks

Last week: 2-4-1
Year to date: 6-7-1

Dead Beats over Mud Dogs
Notorious RVG over Part Time Pimples
Biff Pocoroba Massacre over Blue Dogs, just cuz
Dragons over Mighty Meatballs, bringing the 'Balls to 1-15 all time
Napalm Death over Hit Squad
Razen Kanes over Lizard Kings

Game of the Week: BC Bombers (2-0) vs. 9 Fingers (1-1). Shu certainly made headlines this week when he called out the Rules Committee and the Commissioner himself, and threatened to quit the IFL. That is basically the equivalent of one of the homeless guys in Love Park going up to Capitol Hill and lambasting Congress. Preposterous. But all is well and good now, and Shu gets a shot at his man-crush, BC Bombers owner Chris T. And who doesn’t want to bang Chris these days? His in-bin is overflowing with marriage proposals, X-rated pics, and freshly removed women’s panties (hence the scent of red snapper wafting throughout IFL headquarters). In all seriousity, this is a mismatch for the ages. The Bombers are a wrecking machine, out to destroy all IFL records. 9 Fingers is probably starting Mike Furrey and Derrick Blaylock this week. I’ve already said too much. Prediction: BC Bombers by (as many points as Ohio State wins by) plus (the number of points Temple loses by).

Commentary - Waiver Wire

What a wonderful year to be terrible! One of the reasonings behind shrinking the roster size by one this season was to possibly fatten the free agent pool each week. That's 14 more players out there every week. But no. In previous years, most teams would keep 2 defenses, and a few would horde 2 kickers. Now only 8/14 teams carry 2 DEFs and nobody carries a 2nd kicker. So maybe that whole idea was a little flawed.

So as a result....there still isn't DICK out there on the waiver wire. Having the #4 pick this week is no prize for my craptacular start to the 2006 season. That's the perils of a 14-team league.

-CS

Week 3 Schedule

**Mud Dogs (2-0) vs. Dead Beats (0-2)
**B.C. Bombers (2-0) vs. 9 Fingers (1-1)
Part Time Pimps (2-0) vs. Notorious RVG (1-1)
Biff Pocoroba Massacre (0-2) vs. Blue Dogs (1-1)
Dragons (0-2) vs. Mighty Meatballs (0-2)
Hit Squad (2-0) vs. Napalm Death (1-1)
Lizard Kings (0-2) vs. Razen Kanes (2-0)

** = Division game

Week 3 Pickup order

1. Lizard Kings (0-2, 121 pts)
2. Dead Beats (0-2, 155 pts)
3. Mighty Meatballs (0-2, 161 pts)
4. Biff Pocoroba Massacre (0-2, 162 pts)
5. Dragons (0-2, 175 pts)
6. Blue Dogs (1-1, 158 pts)
7. Nine Fingers (1-1, 165 pts)
8. Napalm Death (1-1, 187 pts)
9. Notorious RVG (1-1, 208 pts)
10. Mud Dogs (2-0, 183 pts)
11. Razen Kanes (2-0, 191 pts)
12. Part Time Pimps (2-0, 211 pts)
13. Hit Squad (2-0, 232 pts)
14. B.C. Bombers (2-0, 263 pts)

***Last week add/drops were processed by the site at around 1:30am. I would assume they will be done around the same time this week.

IFL Real World: Camden

By a vote of 12-0, and by virtue of having the piss poor low score for the week (66), Lizard Kings owner John E., you have been eliminated from the IFL Real World: Camden house. You will be kicked out on to the streets of Camden.

Once again, BC Bombers owner Chris T. will have immunity for another week by virtue of his high score.

John E. joins Dead Beats owner Chaos in the gutters of “America’s Most Dangerous City”. Only 12 houseguests remain.

Week 2 Resluts + weekly $20

Part Time Pimps 114, Dead Beats 109
Mud Dogs 89, Mighty Meatballs 87
Bucks County Bombers 124, Notorious RVG 103
Nine Fingers 72, Lizard Kings 66
Razen Kanes 106, Dragons 85
Hit Squad 122, Biff Pocoroba Massacre 94
Napalm Death 120, Blue Dogs 81

Congrats once again to B.C. Bombers owner Chris T. who edged out Hit Squad for the weekly $20. His 124 points was the high for the week, and he adds yet another $20 to his always growing bank account.

Also, my apologies to Blue Dogs, I said in the Melee post that they had lost last week, but they won. I guess I'm just used to their losing ways. Sorry Blue, you're still my boy. They now sit at 1-1 in the Central.