Week 5 Monday Night Milwaukee's Best

Ah the sweet smell of champagne. I bet the Phils' clubhouse laundry guy is sucking the last drips of bubbly out of the underwear of all the players, getting loaded as we speak. It's a great time to be a Philly sports fan...if not for those Eagles...

Not a ton of drama this Monday night, but it could be a good NFL game, if you choose to watch it instead of Red Sox-Angels.

Here are 2 games which will likely be decided tonight...

Lizard Kings 96, Mighty Meatballs 85
(Meat has Berrian)
Berrian is questionable for tonight’s game, which is appropriate since Meatball is a questionable kind of guy. One thing is for sure, and that is that Johnny E has the Berrian voodoo doll sitting on his $15,000 mahogany desk, with pins inserted in all crevices. Meat also had another gem in his lineup, Miles Austin and his ostrich egg (0). So he could have 2 guys in his lineup with zeros. Not that anyone on his bench was worth a shit. The immortal Johnny had Kurtis Warner in there with 25 (which is kinda low considering the Cards scored 41). Meat did get a nice 33 out of his first round pick, Moss, but other than that, it was a bunch of tripe. Don’t be fooled though, if Berrian plays, this will be hugely dramatic. Meat is 1-2-1 and bordering on irrelevance (although his message board posting last week was his greatest literary work of all time), while the Kings are looking to stay afloat at 2-2.

Notorious RVG 118, BC Bombers 91
(RVG has Wade; BCB has Deuce)
This one could be interesting, although Deuce has done little this year to show that he can put up 27 pts. BCB had huge games out of Roddy White (32) and Cooley (29), but literally nothing else. Larry Johnson, his 1st round pick… had 2 YARDS total yesterday. LOL. RVG had the gonads to start Rodgers and he was rewarded with a 36-bomb. Fitzgerald (24) and Forte (22) were also solid. What does this mean for both teams? Well they were both 2-2 coming into this game so figure it out yourselves. Holland, call me if you can’t figure out what 2+1 is.

These games are OVER, or pretty much over...

Rich & Creamy Nougat 127, Razen Kanes 57
(Kanes have L. Moore and Vikings D)
Look out IFL West elite, you have company. And that company comes in both rich and creamy forms, so take your pick (Holland already said he wants the creamy). Actually calling Holland 'elite' is quite a stretch, but once I depants him in our next meeting (Week 11), and even up my ledger with him, he will be be back amongst the lesser forms of IFL life. As for Tone Money, what did you expect? Last week was clearly an abberation, and the Kanes will continue to flounder. Barring a miracle, RCN will be 3-2 with their third straight W and Kanes will fall to 1-4. And don't you dare say there is any correlation whatsoever with my IFL record, and the amount I post on the Blog. It's just not true. I've been busy tending to my garden and doing yardwork.

Mud Dogs 119, Napalm Death 72
(MD has Peterson; ND has Bush)
The Peterson vs. Bush MNF matchup would have been great if this game wasn’t a complete blowout. And things are looking bleak for Devo. The stock market is tanking, Westbrook is hurt, and to top it off, his Chewbacca action figure fell off the shelf and his head popped off, the 2nd time this year one of his toys broke (if you recall the IFL draft). And Rosenfels over Big Ben? I don’t know much about fantasy, but to me that seems like a bad move. Speaking of the Texans, the Dogs got a stellar day out of Andre Johnson (33) and he had the foresight to start Chad Pennington (17) over Trent Edwards (0 – hurt). Mike P is a mad genius. And a dope at the same time, how weird. Kind of like how Shu is both a man and a woman at the same time. Mud Dogs will be 3-1-1, ND will be 2-3. Probably.

Dragons 122, Dead Beats 99
FINAL
Congrats to Wo, you’re 4-1. Romo (28) and AC Slaton (22) led the way. One of the most underreported IFL stories of the year (not that anyone was really reporting any IFL stories for a while) is that the Dead Beats front office is in Chaos, as they fall to 0-5. This once proud franchise had to sell off its 3 championship banners to pay the mortgage on their stadium. Pathetic. Wo co-rules the roost in Central IFL, while Dead Beats are living like those kids in Austria who were forced to live in the cellar by their sexual abusive grandfather.

Ballbusters 117, Purple Throbbing Pens 96
(Bob has Brees, PTP has D Henderson and Longwell)
Lee Evans (31) and Burner Turner (23) led the way for BallBob. Mike B fights valiantly but will probably lose, since his WR is on the same team as Bob's QB. Oops. More on this game tonight, at 2:30 am on Aunt Jemima Presents - IFL Matchup. BB goes to 4-1 with a win, PTP falls to 1-4 with a defeat.

Hit Squad 122, 9 Fingers 90
(HS has Meachem?)
Ah, the game of the week. Not much of a game, was it? Shu comes up miniscule when it counts. The goose egg by S Moss was especially surprising, and troublesome. I wonder if Moss will bitch about it to the media. Hit Squad had a huge game out of Portis (28) and pulled yet another big game out of his ass from a nobody WR, Dominik Hixon (26), who I’m told plays for the Giants. Never heard of him until now. And the guy he's starting tonight, Meachem? Who the hell is that? Where does he come up with these guys? But the bigger picture is that Holland leads the West at 4-1 and Shu falls into a 2nd place tie at 3-2. It’s getting interesting out West.