IFL News & Notes

TRADEWINDS

The trade deadline approaches like black death. Typically the deadline is before Week 8, and that will be the case this season, however - we are extending it a couple days.

The Trade Deadline will be Saturday night, October 27 at midnight. The trade has to be accepted on the site by that time.

The free agent deadline will be prior to Week 10, and remember, no more of that roster expansion BS.


Here is a list of trades that have taken place so far this year (along with a couple extremely stupid nicknames). Only 4 of them...

Week 5: Notorious RVG trades Fred Taylor to Lizard Kings for Todd Heap and Maurice Morris.

Week 6: Ballbusters trade Santana Moss to Dragons for Kenton Keith "Kallenbach".

Week 6: 9 Fingers trade Chris Chambers to Lizard Kings for Brian Griese and Terry Glenn.

Week 7: Chinese Toys R Us trades Steve McNair and DeShaun "Bananas" Foster to Dragons for Jeff Garcia and Ladell Betts.


WEB SITE NEWS

You may have noticed a neat little doohickey on the website now, sticky notes. You can find them on most pages of the site, near the top (although strangely not on the front page)... here is an example of where to find them:



Click "Notes" and you can leave an annoying sticky for one of your fellow owners that they will see when they open the site. Feel free to bombard the Wo-Man with as many of these as you can.


COMMUNITY BULLETIN


John E is rumoured to be hosting NFL Action on Sunday, November 11. That is Week 10 and the Eagles are at the Redskins. If this is confirmed within the next week, I will personally phone each one of you during the most inconvenient time possible. And let's have a better turnout than last time...if I get stuck talking to Ballbusting Bob the whole time again, I will gouge my eyes out with one of John's $2,000 gold and diamond Mont Blanc pens.

Part Time Pimps owner Mike B will be hosting a Pumpkin Fest at his house on October 28. Actvities will include pumpkin picking, jack o'lantern carving in likenesses of IFL owners, pumpkin pie eating, poontang pie eating, pumpkin seed spitting, and seeing who can paint their nutsack to look most like a pumpkin.

The Drive to 300 is on! If any IFL owners have reached or are approaching 300 lbs., please email me a picture of yourself in only your tighty whities or a speedo and I will post it on the IFL Blog, in a new feature coming this fall, tentatively titled "The 300 Level".

That is all for now. Best of luck and let's see some trades.

Interim Commissioner
Asdrubal Pocoroba
Batting 2nd
Playing 2B

Quick look at the IFL after 46.1538% of the Season has been completed

There you have the standings. We're now officially six-thirteenths of the way through the 2007 IFL season, and everyone's been through their division once, so let's see how things stack up as we head into Week 7 sponsored by the Lawrence Phillips Halfway House. It's gonna be a wild pennant race, that's for sure.

Tone Money's Kanes are the only 5-1 team in the league, and they are the only team in complete control of their division, with that big 3-game lead out West. Poor John E and his Lizard Kings are 0-6 and all but eliminated...one more loss and you can stick a fork in him. Don't think he'll clam up and mail it in though, John is notorious for spoiling other people's seasons. Pimps are looking really, really, really bad, having not scored over 100 in 4 weeks (losing all 4 games also). Dragons aren't looking great either, but they certainly aren't out of it yet, with the mental toughness of the Wo-Man (he sharpens his brain by doing 27 Sudokus a day).

The East is tight from top to bottom, with only 1.5 games separating first and last place. Christ's BCB are the highest scoring team in the league (and highest in their division by far), but going 1-2 in their last 3, they have the look of a 6-7 team. And when you have Mike P's Mud Dogs w/ Brady and Chaos's Dead Beats w/ LT in the division, unpredictability will ensue. Hit Squad has been getting by on freak QB play by Kitna and D Anderson, despite a down year for LJ. And RVG brings up the caboose, but he's the 2nd highest scoring team in the division (Palmer-to-TJ). Look out for him. Also we'll see if the hideous tie between RVG and Mike P will come back to haunt or help anyone.

The Central is the most interesting race right now, w/ 3 teams tied at 4-2 atop the division. CTRU may have the edge in that they are the highest scoring team in the division, along w/ the 3-1 div record and the most lucrative TV contract. Notice the horrifically low points per game for ND though, making them look suspiciously fraudulent. 9 Fingers are on a 2-game slide, we'll see how Shu bounces back from adversity. One more loss and he'll probably jump in front of a bus. Saggy Ballbaggy Bob has his Ballbusters in top form, only a game back, and w/ Adrian Peterson he is the odds-on favorite to win the league. Meatballs are their usual selves, but put together their first ever 2-game winning streak to make themselves look respectable. Do not be fooled, they are not to be respected. j/k we love Meatball (when he's on top of our spaghetti and especially when he's on our schedule).

Week 6 Results & RB2 update

Mud Dogs 174, Dead Beats 115
Notorious RVG 125, BC Bombers 100 (I called that shit)
Ballbusters 130, Nine Fingers 112
Chinese Toys R Us 159, Mighty Meatballs 96
Razen Kanes 149, Part Time Pimps 62 (Pimp-slapping of the week)
Napalm Death 133, Dragons 93
Hit Squad 175, Lizard Kings 64 (non-KY anal violation of the week)

Congrats to Holland! He wins $20, bringing his lifetime earnings (in fantasy and real life) to $20.

Also, as we look in on the RB2 apartment........ things are definitely smelling better. Even more so now that Lizard Kings owner John E has been evicted with a score of 64. And immunity from Week 7 eviction has been granted to Mud Dogs owner Mike P, with his 174-bomb. 8 owners remain.

Week 6 Monday Night Melodrama

Week 6 created league-wide bloodbaths, thanks to bye weeks, injuries, poor play, smoking grass, and foul language. As such, only 1 game hinges on tonight's scintillating Giants-Falcons tilt in Atlanta. And even that one is a long shot.


Notorious RVG 125, BC Bombers 51
(RVG is done) (BCB has Eli and Plax)
Not going to say this one is over yet.... but Christ had an extremely shitty day on Sunday. His bye week replacements were not up to the task: Morency (8), Clayton (5), add in crappy days from Portis (11) and Gates (8)... Meanwhile RVG had wonderful outings by TJ Housh (39), B Edwards (29) and Palmer (29). If there is a team for the Eli/Plax combo to do it against, it's Atlanta. A BCB loss will really put them back in the pack in the suddenly tough IFL East at 4-2... RVG needs the win to move to 2-3-1 and put them in contention.


The rest of the games are officially part of IFL lore:

Chinese Toys R Us 159, Meatballs 81
(CTRU is done) (Meatballs have Giants D)
Business as usual. Welker - 40, R Brown - 31, even TO got off the schnide w/ 18. 4 in a row for CTRU and all of a sudden we have a race in the IFL Central. Meatballs best player was Stover, who kicked 5 FGs in a 22-pt effort. CTRU is 4-2, MM is 2-4.

Mud Dogs 174, Dead Beats 115
(FINAL)
Mud Dogs get 60 out of Brady and 30 out of Cooley. That's tough to beat. Dead Beats had a below-par day, save for LT's 53-bomb. Mud Dogs are now 3-2-1 and Dead Beats are 3-3 in the East.

Ballbusters 130, 9 Fingers 112
(FINAL)
Injuries killed Shu (Rudi DNP and Morris left early)... and Adrian Peterson killed him too. My sweet Jesus, this guy is a stud. Where did he go to college again? 59 for AD, and nothing much else for Ballbusters, but it was enough to knock off Shuey. BTW a big sidebar to this game was that Shu lost Kurt Warner because of an illegal IR move last week, so he had to trade for Griese. Greise = 44. Warner = 1, and left the game early. Shushushushushushushushushu are you kidding me???? Shu must have seen a witch doctor, because if this was the old Shu, the scores would have been reversed. BB is 3-3, 9F is 4-2 in the suddenly mushed-up Central.

Hit Squad 174, Lizard Kings 55
(HS is done) (LK has Jacobs)
Poor, poor, Mr. Johnny. FA p/u of the Year Kurt Warner = 1. Oh well, at least he still has that Manning guy to fall back on. Thanks to MJD (45), Derek Fucking Anderson (37), and Gonzo (36), Holland sends the Lizard Kings one step closer to immortality. LK is 0-6 in the West, Hit Squad is 3-3 and right in the pack in the East.

Razen Kanes 145, Part Time Pimps 61
(RK has Dunn) (PTP has Crumpler)
Congrats to Tone $ on another win. The buddy man Steve Smith (42), K Curtis (34), and Hasselbeck (34) led the way. PTP continues their slide with yet another piss poor outing. Bye weeks (Big Ben, T Henry) and injuries (Maroney, Andre Johnson) did not help. PTP falls to 2-4 in the West, while the Kanes could be the best team in football at 5-1 after all is said and done tonight.

Napalm Death 133, Dragons 82
(ND is done) (Dragons have Shockey)
This is starting to look like the Devo of old. High draft pick Ravens D was worth 36. B-West (26) and Galloway (25) also pitched in. For the Wo, woe is him. Goose eggs out of James Jones and Santana "I don't want to play any more today, someone else go in for me" Moss. Not good. Wo falls to 2-4 and ND should be in a 3-way tie for first in the Central.

Weekend Dump! IFL Week 6

It's been a while, lots to catch up on. Here's my weekend dump, right in your mouth, sans the plastic wrap.

Week 4 Results

Hit Squad 129, Notorious RVG 126
Chinese Toys R Us 148, Napalm Death 64
Mud Dogs 114, Dragons 91
Mighty Meatballs 101, Razen Kanes 94
Dead Beats 118, Part Time Pimps 74
Ballbusters 165, Lizard Kings 125
Nine Fingers 104, B.C. Bombers 99 (so much for the shootout we were expecting)

Congrats to Ballbag Bob, he won $20 for the high score in Week 4! A lot easier to pay yourself off, considering you've been spending the $ all along.


Week 5 Results

Dead Beats 123, Notorious RVG 71
BC Bombers 154, Hit Squad 81
CTRU 121, Ballbusters 86
Napalm Death 79, Nine Fingers 68
Dragons 94, Lizard Kings 89
Razen Kanes 104, Mud Dogs 92
Mighty Meatballs 104, Part Time Pimps 82

Congrats to BCB's Chris T, yet another accolade to add to the trophy case, in the form of a shitstained $20 bill. Due to his fantasy greatness, from this point forward, he no longer needs a space between his first and last names, and he will be known simply as Christ.


RB2 update

2 weeks have passed since the last update of the ridiculous Survivor-style contest, Reality Bytes 2. Here's what has transpired since then:

Week 4: ND owner Devo eliminated (64); Ballbuster Bob (165) gained immunity for Week 5

Week 5: in a shocker, 9-fingered owner Shu (68) is eliminated; BCB owner Christ (154) has immunity for Week 6

So far, evicted: Meatball, Holland, Mike B, Devo, Shu
9 persons remain.


Week 6 EYE on the IFL

Pretty lame slate this weekend, let's hope for some fireworks. Here is a panoramic look at the Week 6 schedule.

Mighty Meatballs (2-3) vs. Chinese Toys R Us (3-2). Central matchup. Both teams started off winless, and are now in the midst of winning streaks. Don't be fooled. Meatball was a 78-pt underdog to me before he adjusted his lineup for bye weeks, injuries, etc. Now he's an 86-pt underdog. That being said, watch him win.

Dead Beats (3-2) vs. Mud Dogs (2-2-1). East matchup. Dead Beats also on a 3-game streak. Mud Dogs have Kenneth Darby in their starting lineup. I know 6 teams are on a bye, but my goodness. Actually make that 7 teams - add Dead Beats to the list.

Notorious RVG (1-3-1) vs. BC Bombers (4-1). East matchup. This is the week to get Christ, he has Gore and Roy Will on a bye. That RVG's not a bad team though, despite their piss poor record. I'm picking them in my Vaseline Upset Special of the Week.

Ballbusters (2-3) vs. 9 Fingers (4-1). Central matchup. 2 of the top 4 highest scoring teams in the league. I'm picking the other 4-1 team to fall also. I'm calling it - this year in the IFL is gonna be like college football. Parity galore.

Razen Kanes (3-2) vs. Party Time Pimps (2-3). Pimps are hurtin. Big Ben and T-Hen on a bye. Tone is back from Deutschland with a new lease on life, and a bad case of diarrhea. Kanes big.

Napalm Death (3-2) vs. Dragons (2-3). How about those Rockies? What is it, 19 out of their last 20?

Lizard Kings (0-5) vs. Hit Squad (2-3). The IFL's only perfect team battles the most imperfect IFL owner. Actually, I'm wrong, Holland is perfectly hideous. Anyway, the pain will be over for Johnny this week. Because he is a CommGuru underdog after being a favorite for the first 5 weeks.

Should be a wild 2nd half of the season, I'm really looking forward to some controversial tiebreakers.

Next week.... Week 7 has been Throwback Week in the IFL for the past few years. However, this year we're changing things up and flipping the switch on the time machine. So Week 7 will now be Turn Ahead the Clock Week! Team names from the future, players from the future, and in some cases, owners from the future. How are we going to pull this off? I have no idea. The IFL Party Planning Committee is working on it. One thing we do know is that the NFL/IFL Sunday will be hosted by John E once again, where he will be providing futuristic food such as frozen burgers he's stockpiled for his 2010 Fourth of July BBQ.


FAKE FOOTBALL

I have no comment on College Football or the NFL until further notice.

Week 4 Monday Night Mayhem

I'm short on time so this will be a quick one.

These 2 games have drama:

Hit Squad 129, Not. RVG 83
(HS is done) (RVG has Palmer and TJ Housh)
This game is not over by any means. 45 out of the two Bungals won't be an easy task vs the Pats, but it can be done. Hit Squad with their first good outing of the year, thanks to LJ finally showing up (22) and Buckhalter (22)!

BC Bombers 86, Nine Fingers 52
(BCB has NE DEF) (9F has K. Watson, Chad #85, and R. Moss)
It looks like a stinker but I bet both guys will be over 100. Regardless, sub-par days for both teams thus far. Game of the Week my ass. BCB had no one over 15. Tune in tonight!


The rest are all but over (sorry if I jinx anyone):

Meatballs 101, Razen Kanes 83
(Meat done) (RK has Shayne Graham)
Tone Money finds it more important to galavant around Europe in his knickers instead of paying attn to his IFL lineup. He starts Javon Walker, who didn't play. If he started Witten instead, he would be 4-0. A win isn't impossible, but it's highly unlikely now. Meatballs = 101 - way to go, still not that great though.

Dead Beats 118, Part Time Pimps 74
(DB is done) (PTP has Maroney)
Uphill battle for PTP. Their rag-tag lineup couldn't get it done (Pennington, Norwood, Jennings, Crumpler...yuck). Dead Beats got by thanks to LT's resurgence (31) and the Seattle D (31). Maroney is a game time decision too....

Ballbusters 165, Lizard Kings 125
(FINAL)
Please give John E a hug next time you see him, he's 0-4. Dwayne Bowe worth 41, Johnny? You really pulled that one out of your ass. Bob had Favre (34), Santonio Holmes (35), Addai (28), etc...

Mud Dogs 87, Dragons 79
(MD has Brady) (Dragons have NE's Polish kicker)
This could get ugly for Wo. McNabb worth 6 as the G-Men tee off on him. Also injuries to Caddy (4) and Harrison (1) doom the Big Guy. Caddy is out for the year. Call Wo 1-3 and Mike P 2-1-1.

CTRU 141, Napalm Death 64
(CTRU has Welker) (ND is done)
Romo was his usual self (51). Tough break for Devo as Westbrook does not play. Only drama tonight is if CTRU can catch Ballbusters for the weekly $20. Both teams even out at 2-2 in the Central.

Oh, crap

A major problem at NFL games.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/football/nfl/09/28/bc.fbn.bengals.pigeonpo.ap/index.html?cnn=yes

The Weekend Dump - Sept. 29-30

This week's dump has us squarely in the middle of a pennant race. Not to mention, the biggest game of the year in the IFL thus far, between the two highest scoring teams in the league.

EYE on the IFL

Game of the week: 9 Fingers (3-0) vs. BC Bombers (3-0). Shu has Rudi Johnson OUT for this game with a hammy. However, he does have Kenny Watson, and it could come down to him (and #85) on Monday night vs the Pats, in a game that could very well be a shootout. Chris T looks to continue his winning ways, w/ Gates, Eli/Burress, and Gore. Should be a great game....who cares who I think will win (I'll pick BCB though). Expect to see both of these guys in the playoffs.

Other creamy goodness:

Napalm Death (2-1) vs. Chinese Toys R Us (1-2). A key Central battle here. Winner is in 2nd place behind Fingers. Don't look now but CTRU is the 3rd highest scoring team in the league. Expect them to roll, as Devo reportedly will not watch any games on Sunday so he can study for the Phila. Dept. of Sanitation exam.

Razen Kanes (3-0) vs. Mighty Meatballs (0-3). Mismatch of the week? The Damn Best is so confident, he went over to Germany for Oktoberfest. He will now be known as Tone Deutschmark. Meatball was scheduled to travel with Tone, but he missed the plane because left his passport at home and he didn't make it back to the airport in time. So he will be celebrating Oktoberfest on Frankford Ave. instead of Frankfurt, Germany.

The crappy other Week 4 games:

Hit Squad (1-2) vs. Notorious RVG (1-1-1) - Hit Squad has not scored over 100 yet this year, which is pathetic in the new scoring system.
Dragons (1-2) vs. Mud Dogs (1-1-1) - No SJax for Mud Dogs...looking really bad for Mike P. Might be time to join Shap in retirement. Better yet, join him in Atlanta.
Part Time Pimps (2-1) vs. Dead Beats (1-2) - If Chaos gets a good game out of LT, he might actually win this one.
Lizard Kings (0-3) vs. Ballbusters (1-2) - STIPULATION GAME - The loser shaves the winner's ballbag. There's a good chance John E may throw this game.


UNIVERSITY of FOOTBALL

Game of the Week: #6 Cal @ #11 Oregon. Oregon is -6. I definitely like Cal. No idea why. Both teams looked impressive in thrashing overrated interconference opponents (Tennessee & Michigan) earlier this year. I'm still salty about the Oklahoma game from last year, so F Oregon.

#25 Temple @ Army - If Army is only a 6 pt favorite at home against friggin Temple, they must really suck. I don't support the troops in this case, take the Owls and the points.

#1 Oklahoma @ Colorado - OU -22.5. Please. No way the Buffs are scoring 22 pts on this defense and there's no way the Sooners don't hang another half a hundred. Boomer Sooner BIG - something like 66-7.

Penn State @ Illinois. PSU -3. I thought Illinois was really supposed to suck. PSU's offense looked really inept against Mich last week... I still think they have enough to get by the Illini. Lay the FG.

Florida State vs. #22 Alabama (@ Jacksonville). Fla St -2.5. Hate to admit it, but I'm liking the Tide. They lost a tough one to Georgia last week, but I think they bounce the Noles in a rare matchup between these 2 teams (first meeting since I was like 8 months old). FSU hasn't impressed me one bit this year.


THE PRO GAME

Eagles -2.5 GIANTS on SNF - I think the Birds pull out a tough one. We'll really see what they're made of here. Don't even know if I like them enough to give 2.5 though.

Patriots -7 @ BENGALS on MNF - I could care less, I have no players in the Monday night game for once (unless I start Wes Welker). So I'll be watching Dancing With The Stars.

New Orleans vs. BYE - I love the BYE... rest up, Reggie I'll need you for the stretch run in the IFL.


BEISBOL

Ah yes, the biggest weekend of baseball in Philly since 1993. Phils vs Natties, Mets vs. Fish. A 2-1 series win for the Phils gets them at least to the play-in game Monday, which will be @ CBP if it's vs NYM. Hamels should be a win tonite, Eaton tomorrow is going to force the Phils to score about 15 runs, and Moyer Sunday. Sounds like 2-1 Phils. NYM throwing Perez, Maine, and Glavine this weekend vs the Flopping Flounders...hopefully they will provide some resistance vs. the heartless, gutless Mets. Not sure who they would go with in the Monday showdown, maybe El Duque....that's why it's so important for the Phils to just get there. Lohse would go for the Fightin's.

When the smoke clears:
Phils 89-73
Mets 89-73

Ariz 91-71
SD 90-72
Col 89-73

Phils beat Mets Monday.... NLDS will be Phils-Padres, D'backs-Cubs.


BOXEO

I know nobody likes boxing, but you're forced to hear about it here on the IFL Blog because there's a great slate of big fights this fall. Starting with Saturday night in AC (also on HBO).

Prediction: Pain. And Kelly Pavlik by a late TKO over Jermain Taylor to win Taylor's middleweight title.

RB2 ***SPOILERS***

[There will be no RB2 TV show this week, it will air next week as a "double eviction week". However, if you were watching the live feed online, you know that this is what transpired]:


We regret to inform you of the latest controversy in the RB2 apartment. Part Time Pimps owner Mike B awakened on Tuesday morning, to find his underpants around his ankles, and his pen15 was wrapped in a hot dog bun. He has asked for and received his unconditional release from the RB2 competition.

Therefore, it gives me great pleasure to announce - because you are a willing victim of gay sexual abuse, and because of your piss poor low score of 94, Mike B - you have been evicted from the RB2 apt.

Also congrats to Chinee Toys R Us owner Biff "Cambodian Slick" Pocoroba on his immunity from eviction in Week 4, thanks to a high score of 186. Eleven houseguests remain.

IFL: the Weekend that Was, and the Week that Will Be

Your Week 3 Results

BC Bombers 161, Mud Dogs 118
Napalm Death 131, Mighty Meatballs 89
Dead Beats 158, Ballbusters 153
Dragons 168, Hit Squad 97
Razen Kanes 131, Notorious RVG 129
9 Fingers 142, Part Time Pimps 94
Chinese Toys R Us 186, Lizard Kings 124

Chinese Toys R Us, congrats - you are the $20 winner for Week 3. Thank you. As always 5% of my winnings go to charity, so I will be pledging $1 to the Mike B. Paternity Test fund.


Week 4 Pickup order

1. Mighty Meatballs
2. Lizard Kings
3. Hit Squad
4. Dragons
5. Dead Beats
6. Ballbusters
7. Chinese Toys R Us
8. Mud Dogs
9. Notorious RVG
10. Part Time Pimps
11. Napalm Death
12. Razen Kanes
13. Nine Fingers
14. BC Bombers


Week 4 Slate

Hit Squad vs Notorious RVG
Napalm Death vs Chinese Toys R Us
Dragons vs Mud Dogs
Mighty Meatballs vs Razen Kanes
Part Time Pimps vs Dead Beats
Ballbusters vs Lizard Kings
and the big one...
Bucks County Bombers (3-0) vs 9 Fingers (3-0)

New NFL Rule

I don't think this will impact the IFL though . . . .http://sports.aol.com/fanhouse/2007/09/23/nfl-bans-cheerleaders-from-flaunting-it-in-front-of-visiting-pla/?ncid=NWS00010000000001

Week 3 Monday Night Bush

Week 3 kept the scoreboard operators around the IFL busy once again, and this time the points were mostly coming from an unlikely place - the Linc! An astounding 321 IFL points were derived from the Birds 56-21 thrashing of the Lions. Yes, that is 321 pts in active IFL lineups. But that wasn't all - in fact, maybe the biggest IFL superstar not in Philly yesterday was CTRU RB Ronnie Brown - who put up 52, while sitting on my f***ing bench!!!! You can only imagine the horror as his points added up. You know that feeling, when you are driving down the highway, only to realize you left the car seat on the roof of your car, with your newborn child still in it... that's how I felt as each Ronnie Brown update came across the wire. Yes, it was a conscious move, benching him in favor of Winslow (who was worth 14), one I will forever regret. Regardless, I will still probably win my game, but if I had him in there, I'd be rolling around right now rubbing a $20 bill all over my naked body. Now I might have to wait until tomorrow to do just that.

Only 2 games have real drama tonight, the rest have faux-drama or they’re completely in the books.


Razen Kanes 132, Notorious RVG 127
(RK is done) (RVG has O. Mare)
Now this is what fantasy football is all about, baby! Rooting for FGs on Monday night! But watch out for a 5-point night for Saints K Olindo Mare, in which case we have RVG's 2nd tie of the season, which would be redonkulous. As for Sunday's games, Tone Money was actually very lucky to be in this situation in the first place, thanks to Kevin Curtis' unfathomable 62-point day. Hasselbeck was solid with 26, but other than that, it looked like the Razen Kanes of old, with very disappointing days out of his top 3 picks - Holt (11), S. Smith (2) and J. Walker (3). RVG was led by TJ Housh's 12 catches (37) and Palmer (24). The loser picks up their first loss, but a tie keeps them both undefeated!

Napalm Death 111, Mighty Meatballs 86
(ND has V. Young) (MM has Brees)
With tonight's game being in New Orleans, I'm not going to count Meatball out yet. But once again, he's dug himself a nice size hole with his crap lineup. And he had 2 guys in the Eagles-Lions game! Reggie Brown (4) and T Bell (9)...along with Randle El (5), he's compiled a group of guys who are borderline bye week starters...that's just not gonna get it done. Fast Willie (20) had a nice day despite no TDs, and Branch (19) stepped up a bit though. Devo will not escape my criticism either. His team may have been even more piss poor, save for the heroic performance by Westbrook (55). But the problem here is Galloway (8), D. Williams (4), and Lee Evans (1). Evans can be considered a major disappointment thus far. So this war of attrition (actually more like a sissy fight) will have a bit of drama tonight - and don't be surprised if Meatball pulls it out. If he loses he's 0-3, and Devo can climb the Central ladder at 2-1.

Chinese Toys R Us 165, Lizard Kings 107
(CTRU has Bush) (LK has B. Jones WR TEN)
Despite my raging General Managerial boner mentioned above, I was bailed out by the rest of the CTRU lineup, mostly Boldin (49) along with the buddy men Romo and TO (comb. 58) on SNF. The game was actually tied at 107 heading into the late game, and the first half didn't look pretty. John E, despite being a great host yesterday, received no mercy from me. His only bright spots were Driver (29) and the Steelers D (23). He'll need a miracle of biblical proportions, which means Brandon Jones would need to outscore Bush by at least 58. Despite Jones being an Oklahoma alum, I'll be forced to root for his failure tonight. Although the real drama is whether or not Bush can get out of his slump and lead me to the $20. CTRU is a likely 1-2, while LK is a dreaded 0-3 in that West division.

Nine Fingers 142, Part Time Pimps 84
(9F is done) (PTP has Colston)
Shu continues to plow through the IFL with the greatest of ease. Just a regular day for the Fingers - Moss (33), MBIII (29), Ocho Cinco (27) were top men. No one on the Pimps roster did much of anything, and Crumpler (18) led the way. Ewww. A 58-bomb out of Colston tonight? Not out of the question, the way things are going in the IFL this season. Shu will likely be 3-0 though, and PTP will fall to a very overrated 2-1.

Dead Beats 158, Ballbusters 153
(FINAL)
When you looked at the scoreboard at around 4:30, this game was probably something like 142-130 Ballbusters. The majority of this game was played between 1 and 4, and Bob and Chaos did not fail to partake in the offensive fireworks around the league in said early games. However, some late D. Ward (yes, the FA pickup) action helped Dead Beats to their first win of the season. Talk about balanced scoring, Chaos had all 3 starting RB score exactly 18 points! The problem is, one of those guys was LT, who continues to struggle. Regardless, while Favre (47) outgunned Rivers (36) in real life, the opposite was true in the IFL. Bob also had another stellar day from Peterson (29), the first of many I'm sure, and Addai put up his usual 24. Since this game is so close, the IFL Bureau of Mathematics will re-calculate the numbers of this game many times, but I'll go out on a limb and say both teams are now 1-2.

Dragons 168, Hit Squad 100
(Drag done) (HS has Deuce)
Another game with real-life dueling QBs, this time the NFL winner was also the IFL winner, and Dragons are off the schnide. McNabb's 54 was the icing on a huge day for Wo, but Kitna's 43 was about the only thing Holland could be proud of (other than his 8th-grade diploma). No other double-digit players for Hit Squad, but Deuce gives him false hope for tonite. Dragons also had B. Marshall with 25, and the Dallas D (30) was all over Grossman. Dragons likely have their first win, and Hit Squad is going to be 1-2.

BC Bombers 161, Mud Dogs 118
(FINAL)
BCB holds up their end of the bargain leading into next week's highly anticipated showdown vs. 9 Fingers, with a thrashing of Mud Dogs. Of course Chris T had a substantial slice of the Philly-Detroit offensive pie, with Roy Williams (46). Gates (27) and Portis (21) are other notables in the BC lineup. Mike P. had a decent day, led by Brady's 44, but a couple donkeys hurt him, particularly Hines Ward, who put up 1 single point. BCB is 3-0 to lead the East and Mud Dogs are at .500 after 3 weeks, at 1-1-1.

Weekend Football Dump - Sept 21-24

I didn't give any predictions for the first 2 weeks, pretty much because they're useless, and besides, not being able to bet this year has taken the starch out of me. So instead, if I have time on Fridays, I'll just give my eggheaded insight into the weekend that is Football, along with some non-thought-provoking commentary on the betting lines where applicable.


EYE on the IFL

IFL Game of the Week: Nine Fingers (2-0) vs. Part Time Pimps (2-0)
One of 3 battles between unbeaten IFL teams this weekend. Shu's Fingers are the highest scoring team in the league, while Mike B's Pimps have been outscored by a couple of 0-2 teams. But the big story here is all-world PTP WR Andre Johnson's injury, rendering him unusable for this game. That is a huge blow (nob?) for the PTP and I expect 9F to roll behind the Johnson boys (Rudi and Chad) again.

Other key games:
Lizard Kings (0-2) vs. Chinese Toys R Us (0-2) - Both teams went up tough comp in Weeks 1 and 2 despite having good weeks themselves (CTRU was kinda donkey in Wk 2 though - only 107). CTRU will be playing from behind again, and it will come down to the bitter end, as practically all of John E's team plays at 1:00 Sunday, and CTRU has to wait for SNF to see Romo and T.O., and Bush is on MNF. I fully expect John to gloat as he takes a 110-point lead as I watch the Birds game at his house. I will definitely be calling his house late Monday night to feed him some crow. The loser here will be in big trouble at 0-3.

Mud Dogs (1-0-1) vs. B.C. Bombers (2-0) - Chris T looks to continue his 7-game winning streak, dating back to last season including his title-winning run, while Mike P just wants to be accepted as something other than a tea-bagging assface, in this IFL East throwdown. Mud Dogs need Steven Jackson to get back on track, but it will be tough against that Tampa defense who shut down the sAints last week. BCB may be looking ahead to the monster Week 4 showdown with other early-season big-swinging-dick 9 Fingers.

Razen Kanes (2-0) vs. Notorious RVG (1-0-1) - Tone Money! The Damn Best looks to keep his high intercontinental profile with a win over the Notorious one. With Hasselbeck going against the non-existant Bungals secondary and Steve Smith and Carolina facing the equally inept Falcons D, expect Tone to join the elite at 3-0. Also, RVG will be attending a rock and roll music concert during the Sunday games!!! Blasphemy! He should have his football license revoked. I certainly hope he doesn't start following the church of Satan after partaking in that heinous activity.

The rest:
Napalm Death (1-1) vs. Mighty Meatballs (0-2) - If Devo doesn't win this, he should be tied to the back of a speedboat by his feet and dragged down the Delaware River.
Dead Beats (0-2) vs. Ballbusters (1-1) - Paging LaDainian Tomlinson?
Dragons (0-2) vs. Hit Squad (1-1) - Holland will check into rehab on Tuesday, after facing his enabler this weekend.


COLLEGE - the best 7 years of my life

College Football Game of the Week - what else? Oklahoma (3-0) at Tulsa (2-0) FRIDAY night on ESPN2. The battle for Oklahoma. Both teams have explosive offenses, but I have a feeling the Golden Shower haven't ever seen anything like this OU defense. If anyone cares, I like OU -23 and I'll take the under 68...prediction - Oklahoma 63, Tulsa 3.

Also-
3-0 Penn State (-3) @ 1-2 Michigan. If Henne's back, Tone's Wolverines can resume their mastery of the Lions, but if that freshman plays, I think PSU could eat him up as they did with that homo Claussen. If I was a betting man, I wouldn't like this game. For shits and giggles, I'll take Meechigan.

0-3 Temple (+21) @ Bowling Green. Big revenge game for BG as the Owls knocked them off last year for their only win in the last 3 seasons. Lay the 3 TDs even though Temple got robbed last week.

#12 South Carolina (+16.5) @ #2 LSU. First of many tough SEC matchups for the Tigers (Miss St = not tough). Spurrier brings that tough D into Baton Rouge but the Cocks will have serious trouble scoring points against the best D in the nation. I expect a blowout, as LSU makes another statement.

#22 Georgia (+3.5) @ #16 Alabama. Can the Saban magic continue? I hope not, as he is a prick. But I do like the Tide in this one, coming off their HUGE win at home last week vs. the Razorbacks.


NFL - televised games

Dallas (+3) @ Chicago - Sunday night. I expect the Boys to be victorious here, as the Bears could start to unravel behind that woeful offense.

Lions (+6) @ Eagles - ehhh.. should the Birds be giving 6 to anyone? Kitna could have a field day with that hurtin Eagles secondary. I hate to say it, but the Kittens may win it outright, and I would definitely take the points. I hope I'm wrong, because if the Birds come out flat again on this Throwback Sunday, the fans are going to want to throw McNabb & Reid back to the lions.

NY Giants (+3.5) @ Redskins - In this NFC East matchup, I'd lean toward taking the points, even though the Giants STINK. Redskins are also frauds, so I could see them definitely tripping up. Great logic here, I know.

Bungals (+3.5) @ Seahawks - We know about the Cincy D. Seattle doesn't look that great themselves, but I think they'll pick up the W at home, lay the pts.

Titans (+4.5) @ Saints - Monday Night. Time for the Saints offense to appear, please (I have Bush in 2 leagues). Titans coming off a high, almost beating the Colts at home. I tend to like the Titans w/ the pts, but I think it will be a NO victory, something like 27-24.

Reality Bytes - Week 2

Things were starting to look up in the RB2 apartment, as the houseguests were given the choice of a month's worth of food, or a 61" HDTV. The 13 remaining people took a vote, and the TV won by a total of 8-5. Eating or watching football??? Easy choice. However, things took a turn for the worse on Sunday morning, when several guests found Chaos butt naked on the living room floor, eating part of the TV, rendering it unwatchable. So much for that.

And now... by virtue of your miniscule score of 90, Holland, you have been evicted from the RB2 apartment. So last year's winner is gone and we have 12 starving, foul-smelling houseguests remaining in this rancid apartment.

Also congrats to Shu, who wins immunity for next week thanks to his impressive 217-point effort.

IFL Hosting - by John E.

{Editor's note: the following note is authored by Lizard Kings owner John E.
*The IFL Blog reserves the right to edit and censor these messages when applicable.}

Just a reminder that I'll be hosting Sunday services for Week 3 of the NFL season at the John E. household this week. This week's opening hymn will be Fly Eagles Fly, as always. Try to let me know if you are coming by Friday night, so I have a headcount to go by on Saturday.

Try to leave a little earlier than normal so you don't get caught in the Linc traffic. (is Eagles traffic still bad a half hour to an hour before game time?) If anyone wants to come really early to avoid that b.s., no problem. Just let me know so I don't answer the door while still only wearing my briefs with "Juicy" written on the back.

The driveway will be open to the first 2 cars to arrive, possibly the first 3 depending on how big the vehicles are and how they fit. But this is center city, so try to carpool with someone else if possible.

For beer I figured I'd get Yuengling and Miller Lite. I assume that's cool with everyone. If anyone who is coming has a strong preference for something else, let me know. No menu agenda as of yet.

Yours in Christ,
John E.

Week 2 Resluts/Week 3 Pickup Order & Schedule

Bucks County Bombers 180, Dead Beats 110
Mud Dogs 111, Hit Squad 90
Napalm Death 144, Ballbusters 124
Nine Fingers 217, Mighty Meatballs 101 (congrats to Meatball)
Part Time Pimps 119, Dragons 104
Razen Kanes 165, Lizard Kings 144
Notorious RVG 178, Chinese Toys R Us 109

Congrats to Shu, your $20 winner for this week. Spend it wisely. (link NSFW)

And now the pickup order. You should have seen my email re: pickups. Just make sure there's a drop/IR attached to each pickup request. Make everyone's life easier.

1. Mighty Meatballs (0-2; 185 pts)
2. Dragons (0-2; 192 pts)
3. Dead Beats (0-2; 205 pts)
4. Lizard Kings (0-2; 265 pts)
5. Chinese Toys R Us (0-2; 273 pts)
6. Hit Squad (1-1; 187 pts)
7. Ballbusters (1-1; 237 pts)
8. Napalm Death (1-1; 251 pts)
9. Mud Dogs (1-0-1; 231 pts)
10. Notorious RVG (1-0-1; 298 pts)
11. Part Time Pimps (2-0; 255 pts)
12. Razen Kanes (2-0; 310 pts)
13. B.C. Bombers (2-0; 376 pts)
14. Nine Fingers (2-0; 390 pts)


Week 3 schedule-

Mud Dogs vs. B.C. Bombers (1:00pm, FOX regional broadcast)
Napalm Death vs. Mighty Meatballs (1:00pm, IFL Network)
Dead Beats vs. Ballbusters (1:00pm, Telemundo)
Dragons vs. Hit Squad (4:15pm, shown on closed-circuit TV at the Spectrum)
Razen Kanes vs. Notorious RVG (4:15pm, available ON Demand starting Monday 9/24)
9 Fingers vs. Part Time Pimps (8:30pm, Lifetime)
Chinese Toys R Us vs. Lizard Kings (3:45am, Public Access TV - where available)

Week 2 Monday Night Melons

It was another offensive orgy in the IFL this week, highlighted by the Bungals/Browns game, where the 2 teams combined for 96 points and 1000 yards, while also accounting for an unprecedented 251 IFL points. That brain-boggling total does not even include the 46 by Cleveland QB Derek Anderson (who is an IFL free agent), nor the 27 by Kellen Winslow on my bench. Of course, 123 of those points came from Notorious RVG's team, at the expense of me (see below), but nobody likes a complainer. And besides, that's what I get for drafting Reggie Bush over Rudi Johnson. I truly am a first-class Grade A dope. Shu, you're welcome.

And speaking of Shu, he continues to put up eye-popping numbers, totaling the first 200-point week in quite a few years while collecting the weekly $20 prize. It is no coincidence that this happens when Rosh Hashanah and the Italian-American festival in Bristol are occuring in the same week, the first time in 85 years these 2 events cross paths. Even with the new scoring system, there is no doubt that 9 Fingers are on fire. Mazeltov, Shu, and congratulazioni. And קרױט.

Anyway, 3 games have implications tonight. Here they are:

Napalm Death 120, Ballbusters 110
(ND has Westbrook) (BB has S Moss)
Devo has the unquestioned edge going into tonight w/ Westbrook, but ND was helped by the one-man show that was Galloway (40). Lee Evans (3) continues to disappoint. As for Ballbusters, Favre led the way with 30 (nice call starting him over Leinart btw). Sorry Bob, gotta root for Napalm tonight.

Part Time Pimps 106, Dragons 91
(PTP has Akers) (Drag has McNabb)
This should be a close one tonight....Wo wants TDs, Mike B wants field goals. PTP continued to get loads of points from Andre Johnson (36) and T Henry (20). Wo struggled again this week, as his high man was the Dallas D (22). A Dragons win would put both of these ass clowns at 1-1 in the West.

Nine Fingers 217, Mighty Meatballs 84
(9F is done) (MM has Reggie Brown, Randle El, and Eagles D)
I think it's safe to say no one has ever trailed by 133 going into MNF... but the Meatballs have not lost yet! That is because it would be a moral victory if they didn't actually put up the low score for the week. No guarantees, considering they are starting their Week 1 pickup, Randle El (ouch). W Parker (26) and D Branch (24) led the way for Meatballs, who can still escape being a complete laughingstock tonight if they can get over the century mark. As for the actual game... no one was beating Shu this week, let's be serious. His 6 starting offensive players averaged 30 points. He reaped the benefits of that ridiculous CIN-CLE game, with Ocho Cinco netting cuarenta y ocho and Rudi putting up 30. Shu is the Central leader at 2-0. Meatballs, what else, 0-2. For god sake, when do I play Meatball...ah yes, Week 6. Could be 0-5 vs 0-5 at this rate though.


The following games are OVER.

Notorious RVG 178, Chinese Toys R Us 109
FINAL
Palmer = 58. Edwards = 39. TJ Housh = 26. But hey, I outsmarted everyone by picking up and starting the Cincy Defense. Glad to see them really clamp down on that inept Browns O. Unfortunately, their 3-point outburst was not enough, and CTRU tumbles to 0-2 in the very tough Central division. Romo's 24, TO's 21, and Lamont Jordan's 20 notwithstanding. Bush = 13. I think we can change the "h" in his last name to a "t" and that would be more appropriate. Nah seriously, he better come around...he started last year slow also (I think he didn't score a TD until around Week 6), but this is not looking good. I actually received an e-mail from the chairman of the Garbage Bowl sponsored by the Phila. Dept. of Sanitation this morning, asking me if I want to lock in my spot. How humiliating. ehhh RVG improves to 1-0-1 in the East.

MudDogs 101, Hit Squad 90
(MD has Cooley) (HS is done)
Well-balanced, but not overly impressive effort by Mike P, led by Brady's game-clinching 29 on Sunday night. But the big story here is Holland's piss-poor showing. LJ continues to stuggle (he had only 11), and so does MJD (a measley 5). Hit Squad's high man (other than the owner) was the Jags' D with 23. Mud Dogs are 1-0-1, while Hit Squad is 1-1 in the IFL LEast.

Razen Kanes 159, Lizard Kings 144
(RK has Curtis) (LK is done)
Tone Money is 2-0! Just as his beloved Michigan gets off the schnide, Tone puts up his most impressive IFL performance in about 7 years (if only my team could mirror the Sooners' performances). Poor, poor Johnny E, who puts up a great fight but loses again, not unlike his Temple Owls, who were jobbed this past weekend. He can join me in the Great Teams Who Are 0-2 support group. The Kanes were led by Steve Smith's 3 TDs (for a monstrous 52). Lizard Kings enjoyed some of the Ohio offensive explosion, with J-Lew's 38. A better day out of Manning (24) and we might be talking about Ellis with the same reverence that we now speak of Tone Money.

B.C. Bombers 166, Dead Beats 110
(BCB has Portis) (DB is done)
Apparently Chris T is taking his title reign seriously. He must have not gotten the memo that says defending champs are supposed to suck the next year. Anyway, Jake Friggin Delhomme put up 43 as he was astutely inserted in the starting lineup over Eli Manning. Roy Williams also came to play with 30, and the Pats D chipped in 29. And with each passing week, Chaos' odd-numbered year title streak is more and more in jeopardy. If I were him, I would be slightly concerned about LT (who only had 9), because the Chargers offense looks atrocious (esp. Rivers). The consensus #1 pick probably end up getting his as SD's schedule eases up though. One bright spot was Edge's 28-bomb, as I once again have to ask where that was last season. BC is 2-0 and DB will be in last place in the East at 0-2.

Reality Bytes 2 - 1st eviction

We're finished Week 1 in the RB2 apartment, and morale is already at an all-time low. Tempers are flaring. Conditions are deplorable. Used condoms litter the floor. There are 2 and even 3 people sleeping in one twin bed. Lunch consists of whatever bugs are crawling on the floor, and dinner is human flesh. Devo and Mike P were actually seen huddled in a corner eating their own feces. It was clear that someone had to go, and by a vote of 13-0, and with a low weekly score of 84, Joey Meatballs - you have been evicted from the RB2 apartment.

And by virtue of your weekly high total of 196 in Week 1, Chris T - you have immunity from being evicted next week. However, you also have to clean up the toxic stew of urine, vomit, and semen that is about 2" deep on the bathroom floor.

This is what Oklahoma Football is all about.

As a big Sooners fan, this story just warms my heart. Ripping the balls off the enemy.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/football/ncaa/09/11/oklahoma.texas.fight.ap/index.html?eref=mostpop

A Note about IFL IR - from the Commish

from the desk of

COOKIE WANG

If you haven't noticed, the official NFL injury reports look slightly different this year, and that will affect how we determine which players are eligible for IR in the IFL. Previously, players were categorized as Probable, Questionable, Doubtful, and Out, and a player had to be listed as Doubtful or Out to be placed on the IFL IR.

Now, those designations have been changed for the Wednesday and Thursday injury reports, and the new designations are Out, Did Not Practice, Limited Practice or Full Practice. Therefore, we have changed the requirements for IFL IR accordingly.

****A player must be listed as either Out or Did Not Practice on either day's report to be placed on IFL IR. Please DO NOT try to place anyone on IR who is not eligible. Failure to adhere will result in the loss of future free agent pickups and loss of the player who was picked up.

You can find official NFL injury reports on NFL.com or any NFL team websites as early in the week as Wednesday, and they should be in Thursday's newspapers. If you have any questions as to a player's status and you cannot find it, please email me and I will do my best to find out for you.

Please keep in mind, I do not have the ability to view your transaction requests prior to them being processed, so you will need to police yourself in this matter. Sportsline processed the moves at approximately 1:00am Friday morning, and I will not go back into the site and change the moves unless it was determined that there was some error on my part.

I know this has become somewhat ambiguous, but unfortunately, this is the route the NFL has chosen to go, therefore we must adapt. In the offseason, we will be looking at our IR and its place in the IFL, and we will try to make this process more easily manageable.