Week 2 Pickup Odor

First of all, I would like to apologize to Meatball. I received thousands of e-mails and letters from his fans, complaining about how I was labeling him as a loser. Well he is not a loser. He proved that this past week by winning something – the #1 free agent pickup of the year.

NOTE: Although RVG and Mud Dogs tied, RVG gets the higher FA pick by virtue of him having a lower draft pick in the 2007 IFL Draft. I still think they should both be kicked out of the league for tying in Week 1 though. I mean, ties suck. It's like kissing Holland.

1. Mighty Meatballs (0-1; 84 pts)
2. Dragons (0-1; 88 pts)
3. Dead Beats (0-1; 95 pts)
4. Napalm Death (0-1; 107 pts)
5. Lizard Kings (0-1; 119 pts)
6. Chinese Toys R Us (0-1; 164 pts)
7. Notorious RVG (0-0-1; 120 pts)
8. Mud Dogs (0-0-1; 120 pts)
9. Hit Squad (1-0; 99 pts)
10. Ballbusters (1-0; 113 pts)
11. Part Time Pimps (1-0; 136 pts)
12. Razen Kanes (1-0; 145 pts)
13. Nine Fingers (1-0; 174 pts)
14. Bucks County Bombers (1-0; 196 pts)

Week 1 Results - k?

A tie? I mean, who ties anymore? ROFL!

Hit Squad 99, Dead Beats 95
Notorious RVG 120, Mud Dogs 120 (wtf)
Ballbusters 113, Mighty Meatballs 84
Nine Fingers 174, Chinese Toys R Us 164 (omfg)
Razen Kanes 145, Dragons 88 (lol)
Part Time Pimps 136, Lizard Kings 119
B.C. Bombers 196, Napalm Death 107

omg congratz 2 Chris T hes so cool, he won the $20 4 da weekly hi score, i hope he asks me 2 go 2 tha dance this wkend

cya bitchez!

Week 1 Monday Night Double-headed Pleasure

Very exciting and explosive Week 1 (Eagles loss notwithstanding), but the big story is the pumped-up numbers, thanks to the new scoring system. I figure teams have the potential to boost their #s from last year by 24 points per game. Except for Meatball, who will still be lucky to get 50 every week. 3 IFL games dangle in the balance tonight, highlighted by me and Shu, who each had man-size ejaculations of rich and creamy fantasy football goodness, with the potential to combine for nearly 350 points. What a shame that one of us has to lose. Let's break it down, as we have a double dip of NFL action tonight, Ravens-Bengals and Cards-49ers.


These IFL games will come down to the final gun tonight:

Chinese Toys R Us 151, Nine Fingers 140
(CTRU has Boldin) (9F has Rudi & Chad Johnson)
This was easily the most exciting IFL game of the day. Fingers may have thought they had this game in the bag, but some monster Sunday night performances made this oh so interesting. Romo's 57 made him the high-man for the week in the IFL so far, with 345 yds, and 4 TDs including one 50+ yarder. And to give Shu even more agite, two of those TDs were to TO, who put up 23 after a first half in which he didn't even see the ball. Lamont Jordan's 30 was the other notable performance for CTRU, who bounced back after a sub-par debut by Reggie Bush (8) on opening night. Shu reaped the dividends of the new and improved Randy Moss, his 9-for-183 w/ a 51-yd TD was worth a whopping 44. Also his Vikings D smothered the Falcons and put up 39. Tonight, the deck is stacked in Shu's favor as he has his 1st and 2nd round picks going (Rudi and Ocho Cinco), albeit against the tough Baltimore D. If the Cinci offense explodes, Boldin might not be able to salvage this one, and CTRU will suffer a tough, tough, Week 1 loss and 9 Fingers will win by a nose. Either way, both teams deserve a healthy round of applause for their extremely impressive performance.

Mud Dogs 120, Notorious RVG 79
(MD has Mark Clayton) (RVG has Palmer and TJ Housevanilli)
Mud Dogs were led by Brady (38) and the San Diego DEF (28). Mud Dogs' top 2 RBs, #2 overall pick Steven Jackson (7) and early 3rd-rounder Cedric Benson (6) did not live up to their billing. The Notorious One still has a great chance tonight, but as I mentioned, his Bungals are going against the ravenous DEF of Baltimore. He had solid days out of his #4 overall pick, Alexander (24) and also L Coles dropped 24. 40 points is a lot to overcome, but with the new scoring system, all bets are off.

Hit Squad 97, Dead Beats 70
(HS has nobody) (DB has Edge and Rackers)
Uneven performances from two teams with 5 IFL Plaques between them. Holland had a big day from the Kitna (29) to Calvin Johnson (17) combo, other than that, not much. #3 pick Larry Johnson put up 15, which does not measure up to high expectations. Chaos has a shot tonight, he just better hope Edge has a better night than he did last time he was on MNF (when he was woeful, avging less than 2 yds per carry). He salvaged a nice game out of LT (26), despite him being shut down for the better part of the day. Kinda scary when you think that was a bad day for him. The Seattle D also gave him 25, but count Rivers (7) and Thomas Jones (5) among the disappointments. Once again, the recurring theme is the new scoring system, where 27 points is not a huge defecit for the Dead Beats to overcome.


These games are OVER.

Part Time Pimps 136, Lizard Kings 119
FINAL
Oh, to put up 119 and lose. That is the sad tune being belted out by John E this morning in the shower (I should know, I installed a hidden camera in there), as he tried to ride the 32 put up by Manning on Thursday, but he had some disappointing efforts on Sunday. The Steelers D is about the only bright spot (39). Questionable 2nd-rounder Marshawn Lynch put up a serviceable 17, but 3rd-rounder Brandon Jacobs left the game with an injury (and only 2 pts), and his status is in doubt for the immediate future. PTP looked impressive behind fine performances by Big Ben (32), T Henry (26) and Andre Johnson (38!). Mike B takes his share of the early lead in the IFL West.

Razen Kanes 136, Dragons 74
(RK has Shayne Graham) (Dragons have McGahee)
It will take a superhuman night out of McGahee, but even in this new "steroid-inflated era" of IFL scoring, it will be too deep of a hole to climb out of. Wo-Man suffered behind such performances as Julius Jones (8), Cadillac (9) and the Dallas D (5). His high man was Harrison, who had 18 on Thursday. Tone Money made all the doubters look stupid, with his triumverade of WRs drafted in Rounds 1-2-3 putting up a combined 82 (Smith 36, Walker 25, Holt 21)!!! Once again, Tone proves that he is the damn best. I knew it all along.

Ballbusters 98, Mighty Meatballs 75
(BB has Leinart and Fitzgerald) (MM has Stover)
Year #3 for the Mighty Meatballs starts off the same as the last 2 years have gone, atrociously. In the old scoring system, a 75-point output would be laughable. A 75 this year, and you need to seek help. He had a nice goose egg from Deion Branch, and a whopping 2 out of Reggie Brown to go with the 6-bomb by Drew Brees on Thursday. His high-men were Eagles D (21) and Twilight Zone 3rd-rounder Tatum Bell (19)....but can you really expect Tatum F-ing Bell to keep it up? Ballbusters will surely pad their comfortable win tonight, but it will still look closer than it really is, no matter how many points his Cardinals Connection puts up. Congrats to Bob for his wonderful pick of Adrian Peterson (MIN) - who put up 34 and looks like he will be a force this season, and Addai's 28 on Thursday kicked off the season in an impressive fashion.

Bucks County Bombers 182, Napalm Death 81
(BCB has Gore) (ND has D Jackson and Ravens DEF)
The defending champs prove they were no fluke by pasting 2-time champ Devo. 182 and his 1st-round pick didn't even play yet! Eli and Plaxico almost put up 100 by themselves (48 and 51). Gates also helped the onslaught with 30. ND could not ride the momentum of Reggie Wayne's Thursday night special (35), lowlighted by flaccid performances by Vince Young (9) and Lee Evans (2). A good night by the Baltimore D and Jackson could make his total look respectable, but he ran into a juggernaut yesterday. I don't know if I'd count on that type of game out of the Giants too often though. Anyway, congrats to the Bombers, who look like they will become 2007's first 200-point team tonight.

Week 1 Early Pocoroba's PICK

I wanted to get this in before tonight's BIG game....

CINCINNATI +3.5 Oregon State

That may not qualify as a big game to you, but to some people out there, it could be the difference between being married for another few months or being kicked out of the house tomorrow (GO BEARCATS), so put that down as my first College pick of the season.

But the real big one..

INDIANAPOLIS -6 New Orleans

I'm going by the Philadelphia Daily News lines (which I have always done for the sake of this blog), which is 6. I've seen it at 6.5 other places, which sucks because I originally said it will be a 6-point game. Anyway, I'll adjust and predict a 34-27 Colts win.

2007 Draft - a review.

The 2007 IFL Draft will be remembered for many things, most of them controversial. But it is in the books, and I do mean the history books. In fact, I bet the table of contents will look something like this:

Chapter 1. Pisco’s computer program.
Chapter 2. Tone Money’s shoes.
Chapter 3. The hideous lottery cards.
Chapter 4. The draft board falls down.
Chapter 5. The draft board falls down again.
Chapter 6. The cameo appearance of former 2-time IFL Champion, SHAP.
Chapter 7. I got thrown in the pool (fully clothed) by Holland.
Chapter 8. Me and Holland got thrown in the pool by Ballbustin’ Bob.
Chapter 9. Retribution – Bob threatens to knock down Mike B’s fence

Luckily Chapter 9 was never written. But today, boys and girls, we are going to talk about the most controversial aspect of them all…the bad picks.

Before I get into that, let me take the time to give serious props to Mike B for hosting the event, and what an event it was. He had it all – a great setup, great food, great pool, great weather, and an all around great guy. He also had the balls to offer a low-calorie menu, and thank god for that (I only gained 20 lbs instead of my usual 25). My only complaint was the absence of yak meat. Yaks are in great abundance in the steppes of outer Mongolia, and can easily be taken down with a crossbow or high-calibre rifle. Their meat is somewhat salty and fatty, but it is great in stews and as a pizza topping. So I’m not sure why they didn’t have yak available for us… future potential draft hosts, please make a note of that.

Oh, one other complaint – I had to drive 45 minutes each way with John E in my car. That’s enough to put even the most hyper-ADD kid to sleep. Every time he opened his mouth with another boring anecdote from his college days, I just turned my radio up louder, thinking he’d get the hint. He didn’t.

And now, a round-by-round review of the picks that made us all throw up in our mouths a little bit.

1^st Round

Controversial selections: RVG taking Alexander at 4. I believe most people had him slotted closer to the middle-end of Round 1, but if that was his guy, so be it. There is a downside to SA, coming off injury, and with a weaker O-line, but he could still be a TD Machine and run for 1400 yds. Then Chinese Toys R Us (from this point forward – CTRU – not to be confused with Counter Terrorist Unit) taking Bush at 9. Pretty high for a guy who’s not even the starting RB on his team. But when he catches 90+ rocks and has a few 50+ TDs, it will be well worth it. Also, John E taking Peyton #11, the first non-RB. Always a risk taking a QB #1 but someone always does it. John dove right in to the QB pool head-first, we’ll see if he rounded out the rest of his team. Tone Money taking Holt #12 was a big surprise. Holt is one of the best WRs year in-year out, however reports out of camp say that Holt’s knee is only at about 70%. I guess when you have a magazine from June you won’t get that kind of info.

2^nd round

Controversial selections: John taking Marshawn Lynch at 2.04!!! Wow. Lynch is only a rookie, he’s unproven at this level, but he’s the definite starter in Buffalo. When you look at the iffy RBs John could have drafted (MJD, Edge, Benson, Portis), it may not seem like that much of a reach, but one has to wonder if Lynch might have even been there in the 3^rd round for him. Then Meatballs taking Brees at 2.07. The early-QB strategy works a little better when you have a stud RB on your team already, but this pick must be noted, as it puts you behind the 8-ball to fill out the rest of your Starting 6 with competent talent. RVG (Palmer) and Mike P (Brady) also took the QB plunge in Round #2.

3^rd round

Controversial selections: Chaos taking T Jones at 3.01. With LT and Edge already in the fold, going RB-RB-RB is very risky, since he won’t be able to fill his other positions until 27 picks later. But having 3 definite starting RBs is a soild strategy. Ballbusters taking Adrian Peterson at 3.07 was a ballbreaker (for me, since he’s my boy). It would have been tough to pass on him at 3.09, but I probably would have, with Boldin sitting out there. Peterson is not the starter in Minny, but his talent is unquestionable and he will put up numbers. Meatball’s selection of Tatum Bell at 3.08 raised some eyebrows. Yeah he’s the starter for now in Detroit, but Kevin Jones looms large. The John E watch continues at 3.11 with Brandon Jacobs, a guy who may have been there at 4.04. At this point it was like watching a horror movie, watching him draft. Top WRs Walker, Colston, and Andre Johnson were on the board.

4^th round

Controversial selections: Tone Money – Chicago D. Every year without fail, someone goes defense early, and it’s usually Tone Damn Money. This year the Damn Best did not let us down. After going WR-WR-WR, defense was the logical 4^th round choice, no? Shu went Randy Moss at 4.05, and frankly, I was surprised after last year’s debacle when he drafted Moss 9^th overall. Projections on Moss are mixed, but no one expects the type of season like he used to crank out with the Vikings. Then came the shock of shocks, Devo taking the Ravens D!!! I guarantee, 5 years from now, everyone will be taking defenses early. Deeve was the first to wait till the 9^th round to take a QB (he was doing that as early as 1996), and then boom – that becomes everyone’s strategy. The man is a trend-setter. Still, I’ll say it was a controversial pick.

5^th round

Controversial selections: Chaos rounding out the San Diego triple threat by taking Vincent Jackson. With LT and Rivers in the fold, he put a lot of his eggs in that unproven Charger basket (2/3 of it unproven). CTRU taking Tony Homo at 5.09 was also questionable. I guess I saw the Romo-to-TO combo and I was all over it. Perhaps Jamal Lewis may have been a better pick there, as I could have saved myself from the slop RBs I had to take later on.

I should note that at this point, Holland does not appear on this list as making a controversial selection through 5 rounds, which is amazing.

6^th round

Controversy: Tone Money, a regular on this list. Tone eschewed a RB once again to draft his 4^th WR, Kevin Curtis.

7^th round

Not much controversy, but I will pat myself on the back for taking LaMont Jordan here, an unquestioned starter. Great value pick. However, he stank last year when I took him in the 2^nd round, so I will have no problem cutting him loose as a 7^th round pick this year if he continues to stink.

By the end of Round 7, nine teams have drafted a defense, and twelve teams have drafted a QB.

At this point, there wasn’t much considerable talent out there to deem too many picks questionable, but I’ll go through a few late-round highlights.

• Amazingly, the first kicker did not go until Ballbusters took Vinatieri at 10.08. I would say that is a product of increasing the draft by 2 rounds. Twelve of the 14 teams drafted their kicker in the 13^th round or later.

• Meatball made a boner by drafting 2 QBs with the same bye week (Brees and Garrard), so he had to go back and draft a 3^rd, Damon Huard. Ugh. Devo was the only other person to draft 3 QBs: Vince Young at 8.09, JP Losman at 10.09, and Joey Harrington at 14.09. Tone Money is the only person to draft just one QB – Matt Hasselbeck at 5.12.

• Ballbusters’ last 3 picks would have been great about 6 or 7 years ago – Eric Moulds, Ron Dayne, and Amani Toomer. OK Dayne never looked great, but those picks made it seem like he reverted back to his fantasy mag from the year 2000. But they were nothing compared to Holland’s last 3 picks – Buckhalter, Tony “Money” Hunt, and perennial selection/waste of a pick Priest Holmes.

• Tone Money also drafted just one defense (Chicago at 4.03). Mike B was the only other brave soul to draft only one D (he took Miami at 8.01). CTRU was the last to take their first defense (Oakland at 11.09) and the last to take their second defense (Cleveland at 14.06). And it shows…

• Possible late-round gems: Tone $ with Jason Witten (13.12), BC Bombers with Jacoby Jones (14.09), RVG with Jesse Chatman (15.04).

Much more to come.....

IFL Reality Bytes 2

With all the bad reality shows littering the TV these days, the IFL decided to strike back last year, creating a little satire called "Reality Bytes". Little did we know it would be a HUGE success (it was the 13th most-watched show among girls 12-18 years old in Uzbekistan). So it is back this year with a vengeance. Read on for a preview of Reality Bytes 2.

14 perfect strangers. 14 personalities. OK only 13, since John E is involved. Actually make that 14, since Ballbustin’ Bob is involved. They all come together once again, to live with each other for 4 months in a 2 bedroom apartment in Port Richmond, with no windows and no contact with the outside world, except to change their fantasy lineups and make bets on NFL and college games. And no congenital visits from wives/girlfriends/boyfriends.

Only one person will get out alive. It’s the IFL’s original reality series, Reality Bytes 2.

Let’s meet this year’s cast.

Holland. Homeless person, from parts unknown. He won last year’s Reality Bytes competition. Definitely the 2^nd most abrasive person in the RB2 apartment.

Chris T. Male flight attendant, Buffalo, NY. Finished 2^nd last year in Reality Bytes, also the defending IFL Champion.

John E. Scientist/Inventor, Brigantine, NJ. Currently working on a cure for swamp ass. Let me know how it’s going, Johnny.

The Wo-Man. Circus Performer, Great Adventure, NJ. Standing 6’8”, Wo will surely have trouble fitting in the RB2 shower.

Tone Money. Vending Machine Technician, NE Philadelphia Airport. The only bi-racial member of the RB2 cast, he is half-black, the other half is more black.

Chaos. Housewife, Yardley, PA. His blatant lies and backstabbing warranted his early eviction from last year’s RB house.

Biff P. Cocktail waiter, Atlantic City, NJ. The commissioner of the IFL and also the most confrontational cast member. His poor attitude (and poor team) got him kicked out early last season.

Devo. Robot, Silicon Valley, CA. He can calculate the exact molecular composition of a fart from across the room, which should be very helpful this season.

Ballbusting Bob. Public defender, Washington, DC. Bob’s legal background gives him a defined psychological advantage, but his interpersonal skills are abysmal. Which makes for great TV.

Shu. Office worker, Tel Aviv, Israel. Shu is actually Hebrew royalty, but is knocked down to earth a couple pegs dealing with the swine in the RB2 apartment.

RVG. Professional Painter, North New Bumblefuck, PA. The rotund RVG is known for knocking back the pizzas and painting detailed murals on the inside of the toilet bowl.

Mike P. Opium Salesman, West Chester, PA. The most fantatically religious houseguest. Last season he spilled his coffee on Holland’s bare chest, creating a scar that resembles Jesus Christ.

Mike B. Corporate Risk Manager, Norristown, PA. Unpopular houseguest for the most part, although he is very adept at unclogging the toilets with his bare hands. He will be very busy this season.

Joey Meatballs. Sous chef, Pizza City, Philadelphia, PA. Meatball was very popular in the house last year as people would use him as an ottoman.

RULES – Each week, the houseguest with the lowest score in their IFL game is kicked out. The person with the highest score for the week has immunity for the following week. If there is a tie for low score, all people tied are evicted. If there is a tie for high score, all people tied are safe from eviction the following week. We play until only 1 person remains. That person wins a set of steak knives.

NFL changing shield logo next year

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/football/nfl/2007-08-30-shield-change_N.htm

IFL may follow suit. Actually maybe we should get a logo first.

The History of the IFL Draft - A Photo Essay

IFL Archives - a look back at the 1997 Draft

August 23, 1997, the frozen tundra of the NE Philly Best Western... this was the site for the 1997 IFL Draft. It was the last IFL Draft held at a public venue. This almost became infamous for the defending champion, Holland, pulling a no-show. Apparently he woke up at around 6pm on Draft Day, which is his normal wake-up time, but it was also the start time of the Draft. What a dope. He did show up, trophy in hand, and we were all never so happy to see him.


If I recall correctly, our deal with the Best Western provided us with unlimited draft beer and hot roast beef. If anyone recalls if the roast beef was tasty, please feel free to comment below. I would bet that it was not as tasty as the roast beef curtains that would follow future drafts.


When the lottery was complete, D-Max (a former owner) pulled the #1 pick for his Wife Beaters, and yours truly pulled the #2 and the Highlight Reals were born. Here is a recap of the 1st round. My how things have changed in fantasy football.

1. Wife Beaters - QB Brett Favre
2. Highlight Reals - RB Emmitt Smith
3. Aborted Avengers - RB Barry Sanders
4. Nine Fingers - RB Curtis Martin
5. Razen Kanes - QB John Elway
6. Hit Squad - QB Steve Young
7. Ballbusters - WR Herman Moore
8. Mustangs - RB Terrell Davis
9. Prime Rob - QB Drew Bledsoe
10. Lizard Kings - WR Jerry Rice
11. Brewers - WR Carl Pickens
12. Dragons - DEF Green Bay
13. Chaos - QB Jeff Blake
14. Napalm Death - RB Terry Allen

I should also note that Devo came back with the 15th pick and took San Fran DEF, the first of 3 DEFs to be taken in the 2nd round. I snagged Antonio Freeman at 2.13 right before D-Max would have taken him to have the Favre-Freeman combo.

Dom's pick of Barry Sanders at #3 was a great one, as Sanders ran for 2,053 yards and 11 TDs that season. However, what he did with Sanders after that day was not so great... after Week 1, me and Dom made a blockbuster deal where I traded him my first 3 draft picks (Emmitt, Freeman, and Dan Marino) for Sanders, Warren Moon, and someone else who I can't remember. So I basically fleeced him for Sanders, and not to mention, Moon had a great year too. Emmitt started off slow that season, and battled injuries all year, finishing with only 1,074 yds and 4 TDs (w/ 40 rec). So I won the league right??? Of course not, because a few weeks later I stupidly traded Sanders and Moon to RVG for fucking Drew Bledsoe and Ben Coates. I think that was basically my equivalent of the Curse of the Bambino, because since then I've yet to go back to the finals.

Some other gems from the 97 Draft:

• D-Max takes Shannon Sharpe at 2.14 then takes Ben Coates at 4.14. The ol' Double TE...
• Take a guess whose team this is after 6 rounds: Herman Moore, Jeff George, Eddie George, Jeff Graham, Cinci DEF, Tim Biakabutuka. Yes - Ballbusters.
• Every team had a defense after Chaos took Miami D at 6.02
• Dom took 4 straight WRs in rounds 6-9: Chris T. Jones, Horace Copeland, Frank Sanders, and Curtis Conway.
• D-Max's 11th round pick - Detroit Offense.
• RVG's 6th round pick - John Kasay.
  
• Napalm Death was wisely waiting on QBs even back in '97, before we all heard of that strategy. He ended up with Tony Banks and Gus Frerotte. And still made the Finals.
  
• Shu ended up going 12-2 and winning the league somehow. His draft actually looked pretty weak other than Martin in the 1st round. Maybe some trades were made...

To be honest, 1997 was a long time ago. A lot of beers and drugs ago. I'm just thankful I could remember as much as I did.

As a courtesy, I will be sending you all an Excel sheet with the 1997 Draft.

DRAFT WEEK - The IFL Interview with John E

Back in June of this year, IFL Headquarters went through some cost-cutting and laid off about 90 employees, (which comprised about 90% of our workforce). Times were tough, and the rest of the staff has been on edge since then. So when I told Lizard Kings owner and IFL Rules Committee member John E to pack his belongings and see me in my office, I thought for sure he’d be shitting his pants. In reality, I was practically joking him, just calling him up for the IFL Interview. But the joke was on me – as he plopped his resignation letter on my $30,000 antique English mahogany desk. But when I told him the truth, that I just wanted to interview him, he quickly rescinded his resignation. I told him it was too late, and to get his ass out of the building by 5pm.
-----------------------------------

IFL: John, thanks for joining us on such short notice. Let's make one thing clear: I ask the questions around here. You have been the gold standard for mediocrity in IFL circles over the years. What can we expect from you this year, another 7-6 season?

JE: Hey it's my pleasure to be here and to be interviewed by the Larry King of this generation. Like I have anything better to do, anyway. But seriously, I take pride in being consistently mediocre - kind of like the crafty #5 starter who nibbles and slops his way to a .500 season in MLB or pretty much everything the Rolling Stones have done post-1973. These days there are few things in life that you can count on being consistently the same every year. I think my IFL track record kind of defies those odds. You know you can pencil me in for between 6 and 8 wins just about every year. Who else can you say that about?

IFL: You have stated emphatically that you would not draft LaDainian Tomlinson #1 overall. How can you possibly justify that statement, and what type of cologne are you wearing? You smell fabulous.

JE: First of all, thank you. I do smell fabulous. But I don't usually wear cologne. In fact, I barely shower, especially during an IFL winning streak. But I do use Vicks Vaporub from time to time. Maybe that's the intoxicating odor you are referring to.

I believe in creating a lot of smokescreens when it comes to draft strategy. And why change the approach after a sterling record of mediocrity over 14 years? A few years ago I ripped McNabb endlessly and then went out and drafted him in the 2nd round. Other years I ripped Randy Moss endlessly and stated I would never draft him in any round any year. And that's pretty much been the case and still is. So, you know, maybe I'll take LT and maybe I won't. Remember when Buddy Ryan spent weeks ripping Keith Byars, Keith Jackson, and Eric Allen leading up to the NFL drafts and then drafted all of them early in the 1st round? We'll find out next weekend.

IFL: Very confusing. Let's just hope you don't get the #1 pick. Now on to more relevant subject matter. Have you ever seen Mike B.'s penis?

JE: No, I've never actually seen it. But its reputation precedes itself. Unfortunately I have witnessed several IFL Gut Contests though. Not pretty.

IFL: Speaking of great bodies... your two older brothers are professional bodybuilders, yet you have the muscle tone of an old woman. Why is there such disparity?

JE: Two words: Beer. My one brother uses vodka as part of his training regimen. Maybe I should try that. Perhaps, Drago would have beaten Rocky if he had ingested more vodka and less steroids.

IFL: If I were to break into your house right now and steal your iPod, what song would be playing?

JE: Hold on let me check (fiddles with iPod for 2 minutes). Dinosaur Jr - "Keep the Glove"

IFL: Do you need a ride to the Draft? I can pick you up around noon.

JE: Yes, thanks. A ride to the draft would be swell. Hopefully between the two of us we'll be commuting with at least 10 IFL wins this season.

IFL: OK I have just one rule. Don't touch my radio! (laughter) Anyway, I am running out of time, I have to catch a flight to Singapore in about an hour. In closing, tell me what your favorite IFL Draft moment of all time was.

JE: That's cool with me. We're usually on the same page with music anyway, except for that Darkness detour you took on me a few summers ago. WTF was that all about?!

My favorite IFL draft moment....hmmm....it's so hard to pick because of every second of every IFL draft is equally great in my eyes. But for the most memorable moment, it had to be the 2001 draft in general. The year of the brownies....Tone Money goes apeshit and then eventually goes to the hospital in an ambulance, several people never make it to the bachelor party, Bob's neighbors call the cops, Bob's fence gets knocked over. And then half of the crew needs to be carried out of Club Risque at the end of the bachelor party. I'm sure those draft memories suck for Bob, since it was at his house. But we'll still be talking about that draft and the ensuing mayhem for years to come.

And the funniest thing was no disciplinary actions could be handed down by the RC, because we had no rules about any of those things back then. Of course now we have a strict conduct clause in our ownership contracts. We needed that to secure our multi-hundred dollar TV deal.

IFL: John, it's been a pleasure as always. I wish you the best in everything you do in life. Except the IFL. Now get the fuck out of my office.

#1 pick in Deadbeat Dad Draft

http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/dekalb/stories/2007/08/24/childpay_0825.html

nice

IFL News and Notes - pre-Draft

Well boys and girls, we are 8 days away from the 2007 IFL Draft on Sunday 9/2. The anticipation is at an all-time high. Here are a few guidelines for Draft Day:

• Be there at 1:00 pm!
• Bring $135 + any pool monies
• Bring your swim trunks (although nude swimming is encouraged)
• Bring your own fantasy mag
• Bring your own cigarettes
• Pick up a 3-pac of rubbers at Wawa (the big ones)

Mike B will be emailing directions to his house and any other details shortly, if he hasn’t already (I wouldn’t know, I insta-delete his emails).

Rules Gone Wild

Another quick, minor rule change to speak of, as the Rules Committee convened for a quick late-summer sesssion. You will now be allowed to make 3 free agent pickups each week instead of 2. And just a reminder - we will have 15-man rosters for the entire season, and a max of 3 players on IR at once. As you recall, the weekly F.A. pickups are now done by the website. They are processed early Friday morning (I believe around 1am). I will not be doing any manual changes this year if anyone F's up, so you are expected to know how to work this function on the site.

Community Bulletin

I’m trying to organize a Pocoroba Pool for the '07 NFL Season. It’s a change from the regular pick’em and survivor pools. You pick 5 NFL games each week vs. the spread, rank them 5 through 1 in order of your confidence, and if your 5-pt game is right, you get 5 pts, etc…. Most points at the end of the year wins. It’s only $20 and it will be run on Sportsline. See my secretary if interested (DO NOT hit on her, she’s only 16). Or see me at the draft.

Happy Birthday to RVG, he turns 45 on August 28.

Congratulations to Mike P., he was named one of the area's Top 50 Most Undesirable Bachelors by Philadelphia magazine.

If anyone wishes to be interviewed for the IFL Blog, let me know.


Sit on This (Couch) and Rotate

Wo-Man came up with the extremely brilliant idea of having IFL owners rotate as hosts of Sunday afternoon gatherings during the upcoming NFL/IFL season. We've had several responses from people willing to host. IFL Draft Host and professional businessman Mike B has stepped up and offered to host Week 1. He has said it will be a family-friendly affair, with pony rides and clowns (bring your own clown). Not sure if anyone is going to want to see him again after just seeing him 7 days earlier though, but he's put the offer out there. You will see his setup at the draft.

Also, John E has offered up his residence in downtown Philly for Week 3, when the Eagles host the Lions, wearing their throwback unis. In keeping with the throwback theme, JohnE will be serving sandwiches that were leftover from his 2003 Christmas Party.

If you want to throw your name into the hat for future weeks, let everyone know!

I might try for a week in October or something like that. Keep in mind, I have a 56"...... TV (what did you think I was going to say? he he he)


That is all for now. See you at the Draft.

Odds to Win the 2007 IFL Championship

As we do every year, we will turn it over to the host of “Aces High”, the incomparable Sam “Ace” Rothstein, who has personally tabulated this year’s Odds to Win the 2007 IFL Championship, exclusively for iflblog.blogspot.com.

Mr. Rothstein can be seen on “Aces High” every Saturday night at 11PM (Pacific time) on Channel 2, or can be spotted on the floor of the world famous Tangiers Resort & Casino on the strip in Las Vegas, where he currently sits on the Board of Directors and serves as the Food & Beverage Manager. Take it away, Ace.

“Ace” Rothstein: Thanks, Cambodian. Now here are the odds to win the 2007 IFL Championship.

John E.		6-1
Chaos		7-1
RVG		9-1
Chris T.		10-1
Shu		12-1
Devo		14-1
Mike B.		14"1'
Wo-Man		16-1
Cambodian S.		18-1
Ballbustin’ Bob		43-2
Tone $		69-1
Joey Meat		999-1
Mike P.		2,000,000-1
Holland		off the board

John E’s strict offseason training regimen of medicinal marijuana and colon hydrotherapy, is cited as the reason for making him the favorite. Chaos is a close second since this is an odd-numbered year (he won the IFL title in 2005, 2003, and 2001, and has been a complete donkey in even-numbered seasons). Sharp money is coming in on Cambodian, looking for a potential bounceback year after an abysmal 2006. Stay away from Chris T. at all costs (no repeat champion ever) and save your money when thinking about Mike P. and those juicy odds, because they may actually get juicier once we see the team he drafts.

TOTALS

Over/under number of wins during 2007 IFL Regular Season
(any shenanigans will result in the voiding of all wagers)

RVG	9.5
John E.	9
Chaos	8.5
Mike B.	8.5
Chris T.	8
Shu	8
Devo	7.5
Wo-Man	7.5
Holland	6.5
Cambodian	6.5
BB Bob	6.5
Tone $	5.5
Joey Meat	4.5
Mike P.	3.5

And now for the prop bets.

Will someone leave a log in Mike B’s fire pit?

Yes	-180
No	+150

Will any of the hairs on Chris T’s head move at any time during the draft?

Yes	+280
No	-320

Will Holland show up?

Yes	-110
No	-110

Will someone get thrown unwillingly into the pool?

Yes	-150
No	+140

How many hugs will Tone Money get during the day?

Over 16.5	-140
Under 16.5	+180

Who will be the last to show up?

John E.	+150
the field (anyone else)	-160

Whose cannonball will allow the most water to escape from Mike B’s pool?

RVG	2-1
Holland	5-2
Whit	5-1
Meatball	8-1
Ball. Bob	10-1

This concludes the 2007 IFL preseason betting odds. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to making sure that there are an equal amount of blueberries in each muffin.

IFL News & Notes

LEAGUE FEES

Last month I posted an informal poll on the IFL website, to get your opinion on the current state of league fees. 11 owners responded, and 8 of you stated that you would like to see us raise the stakes.

With that, we will be raising the base IFL league fees to $125.00 for the 2007 season.

We will not be discussing any further increases until at least the 2010 season, unless the Wo-Man decided he wants to foot the bill for all of us.


ASSET ALLOCATION

Here is how we will be divvying up the funds.

$125 * 14 = $1750

IFL Champion: $500
Runner-up: $150

Playoff seeds ($660 total)
#1: $175
#2: $150
#3: $125
#4: $80
#5: $70
#6: $60

13 weekly winners + IFL-BCS winner + Week 16 winner @$20 each = $300

Overhead ($140 total)..............
Website = $65
Draft board = $25
Trophy related expenses = $50


That is all for now, much more to come. Less than 4 weeks till Draft Day.

Hall of Shame

For me, the NFL Preseason did not get off to a very pleasant start. First, Michael Irvin, a mortal enemy of Eagles fans, was elected to the Hall of Fame. Then, the Hall of Fame Game on Sunday night was not televised on Comcast, because the NFL Network is no longer part of their basic package. Bullshit on both accounts.

Does anyone know which party is responsible for NFLN becoming a pay channel on Comcast? Apparently on DirecTV carries it on their basic package, of course, because they have exclusive rights to the NFL Sunday Ticket. The fans are the real losers here (those of us w/cable, that is). If anyone lets me know, I'll let you, the loyal readers know.

Then if you get DirecTV, you don't have Comcast SportsNet, which means, no Phillies for about 120 games out of the year. Imagine not being able to yell at Charlie Manuel for another boneheaded decision, or curse out Abraham Nunez for grounding into a double play, or wish bad things upon Jose Mesa. I mean, that takes up most of my time now. Without that in my life, I don't know what I'd do... oh yeah, I guess watch NFL Network.

Fantasy Hall of Fame

i'm not usually a big fan of ESPN, but these commercials were pretty funny

http://espn.go.com/espn/ffl/

Kinda makes you think if we should consider an IFL Hall of Fame.. a lot of the inductees would be pretty obvious though... i.e. San Fran D would definitely be elected first ballot. And Detroit Return Team was about as dominant at their position than any entity in IFL History. They would kinda be like the Bruce Sutter of the IFL. However when it comes to being accepted for induction into the Hall of Fame, Holland is the Pete Rose of the IFL.

IFL Offseason Update - July

BIEN VENUE

We got the date, now we have the place. The 2007 IFL Draft will take place on September 2 (Labor Day Sunday), and it looks like it is leaving the great state of New Jersey and it will be hosted at Mike B's house in Norristown, PA. The starting time is TBD.

The pressure is on Mike B to provide a big enough venue to host the 15th annual Gut Contest. In addition, Mike promises us exclusive use of his inground pool, as well as all toilets in the house, to empty our bladders and/or colons. Loot bags will also be provided to all guests upon their departure, if and when they leave.

Michael- feel free to update the league with more details such as: directions to your house, the lunch menu, ground rules, what we will need to bring, what we won't need to bring, and the dinner menu.


RULES IS RULES

The Rules Committee has been hardly working this offseason, to hash out a few sticking points. And we have two major changes heading into the 2007 season, our fifteenth year of business.

• The Draft will be 15 rounds. And rosters will stay at 15 for the entire season, with no roster expansion at the free agent deadline, nor will there be a supplemental round between the draft and Week 1.

• The proposed scoring change that we discussed received enough positive feedback from the league that we decided to put it up for a rules committee vote, and it did pass. So we have the new scoring system. Yardage starts at 10 yards rushing/receiving, and 20 yards passing. See the previous post for details.
  

If I have anything else to add, I will post it here, but as of now there are no other changes being discussed for the 2007 season.


$$$$$

Please visit the IFL website for an informal poll regarding league fees. There have been some calls to raise the fees. Everyone has different financial situations, so of course we would take that into consideration before raising 'em up. There is no change imminent, but it is important to get everyone's opinion, so please take a few minutes to vote on the poll.


COMMUNITY BULLETIN

Congrats to Mike B and his wife, on their expected birth of a baby sometime in December. That will bring the number of child-bearing IFL members to a whopping 6 (including myself, who gave birth to a girl back in April if you haven't heard). We shall see how parenthood affects fantasy fortune.

IFL Champion Chris T had a recent scare with his replica IFL Trophy, leaving it in a taxicab in downtown Scranton, PA. Luckily the cab driver was nice enough to return it for a small fee a few hours later.


That is all for now. We are mere weeks away from the Draft, hard to believe. Check back on the Blog often, as content is sure to become more frequent and relevant.

Sincerely,
Charles Pensyldik
Vice Chairman
Committee to Preserve Fantasy Football

Where Are They Now?

In this week's Where Are They Now, we profile a man whose impact on the IFL was so profound, that no one gave a shit when he announced his retirement: Shap.

He was so defiant, that when we predicted zero wins for him in 2004, his final season, he actually had the stones to win the IFL Championship.

Anyway, the word on the street is - Shap is once again looking to purchase an IFL franchise, and he is willing to pay. Franchises are currently valued in the tens of billions. Seriously, if you're interested in dropping out, let Shap know.

Analysis of Proposed New Scoring System

INTRODUCTION
in case you haven't been paying attention since 1993

The IFL is discussing a potentially major change to our offensive scoring system, quite possibly the most significant in our 14 years of existence. What has made the IFL's scoring system unique is that we do not start awarding yardage points to offensive players until they reach a certain threshold - starting at 100 yards passing for QBs, and awarding 1 point for every 20 yards thereafter; and 50 yards combined rushing/receiving for RB/WR/TEs, and 1 point for every additional 10 yards.

But you know this.


IFL SCORING SYSTEM 2.0
the next big thing? or the next New Coke?

What has been proposed for the 2007 season is the following change to how points are awarded for yardage, which is more of a standard scoring system that you would find in most fantasy leagues:

For passing yards - points will start to be awarded with 1 point for 20 yards (instead of 100), and 1 point for every 20 yds thereafter.

For rushing/receiving yards - points will start with 1 for 10 yards (instead of 50), and 1 point for every 10 yds thereafter.

Here is a chart which breaks it down (5-point bonus not taken into consideration).

RUSH/REC YDS	OLD	NEW		PASS YDS	OLD	NEW
10	0	1		20	0	1
20	0	2		40	0	2
30	0	3		60	0	3
40	0	4		80	0	4
50	1	5		100	1	5
60	2	6		120	2	6
70	3	7		140	3	7
80	4	8		160	4	8
90	5	9		180	5	9
100	6	10		200	6	10
110	7	11		220	7	11
120	8	12		240	8	12
130	9	13		260	9	13
140	10	14		280	10	14
150	11	15		300	11	15
160	12	16		320	12	16
170	13	17		340	13	17
180	14	18		360	14	18
190	15	19		380	15	19
200	16	20		400	16	20
210	17	21		420	17	21
220	18	22		440	18	22
230	19	23		460	19	23
240	20	24		480	20	24
250	21	25		500	21	25

On the surface, everyone changes equally across the board. All offensive players' point totals will increase by 4 points.

The exception will be when the player has a sub-par performance, which can be defined as under 100 yds passing, or under 50 yds rushing/receiving. In this case, where they would get zero points before, now they would get anywhere from 1-4 points.

IMO, without actually researching (sorry), I would say that WR/TEs are the position that would benefit most from this, because they tend to have more donkey games than RBs or QBs (i.e. 2-for-21, etc.). Those 2-for-21 days, instead of being worth 2, now they would be worth 4. On the other hand, QBs would probably be affected the least by this change, as they rarely have a game where they throw for under 100 yards.

So in summary, the question is - do we want to start awarding yardage points starting at the bottom (10 yds for rush/rec, 20 yds for passing)? Or should we stay with the old method, where a player has to acheive a certain benchmark (50/100 yds) before getting yardage points?

Feel free to post your comments and opinions, by clicking on the Comments link below, or reply to the email.

If you haven't already done so, please vote in the poll on the website to voice your opinion. I must clear something up though - that poll is not meant to be the decisive factor in whether or not we change, it is only to gauge the interest. However, if the majority of the league agrees one way or another, that side will most likely prevail. The results of the poll will be taken into great consideration.

Either way, it will go before the Rules Committee, where any decision will likely be stalled by a filibuster by John E.

I look forward to hearing your opinions.

E. Russell Butterworth
Commissioner
Cambodian Society of Genitalial Elephantitis Victims

IFL Offseason Newsletter - Spring 2007 edition

DRAFT DATE SET, LOCATION NOT

After an informal survey of all owners, we've been able to set a Draft date for the exciting 2007 IFL Draft, and that will be Sunday, September 2, 2007. Yes that is Labor Day weekend. Plan on starting at the usual time, around 1-2pm.

As far as a draft site... we're still working on that. It looks like we could be going with a public venue, such as a bar in the NE Philly area that has the capabililty to host such events. A couple names have been going around, including Just Sports Bar & Grill on Rt. 413 in Bristol, and good ol' General Grants. Some nuggets to chew on regarding the draft location - since it is Labor Day Weekend, there was some consideration to having it at a house, and even opening it up to families, BBQ style.... and on the other hand, if we have it at a bar, we could make a Risque run afterwards. I'm just sayin'.

If anyone has any preferences or opinions on this, please bring it to the table now.


POTENTIAL RULE CHANGES

• Because we're going with a later Draft date, we do not need to do the supplemental pickup round before Week #1. We will be drafting additional rounds on Draft day instead, which will comprise your whole team.
  

• We will be doing away with the roster expansion which usually takes place at the free agent deadline. Therefore, we will be expanding the roster size to either 15 or 16 for the entire season (last year it was 14, then expanded to 16 at the deadline). The Rules Committee will be figuring out the particulars of that at some point soon.
  

• A major change to our scoring system is being considered. Instead of awarding points starting at 50 yds (rush/rec) and 100 yds (passing), we are looking into starting at 10 yds (rush/rec) and 20 yds (pass), which is the standard scoring system in most fantasy leagues. I believe the bonuses for 100 yds rush/rec and 300 yds passing will still be in effect even if this change goes through.

***Because this last bullet point is a potentially major change, we would like everyone's input. I will be posting a poll on the IFL website with two choices - please vote on whether you are in favor of this change or not. The results of this poll will be taken into strong consideration. Make your voice heard.

Please feel free to voice any comments or questions about the topics discussed in this email, and I'll do my best to address them. Also if you have any other suggestions on draft venues, rules, or anything else relevant or irrelevant, please bring it to the table.

Stay tuned to the IFL Blog for any developing situations.

Signing off.....

Here is a summary of all IFL activity in the month of February

IFL Offseason Update - January 2007

As we approach Super Bowl XLI, the stench of another IFL season has almost completely dissipated. And standing alone atop the rancid pile of steaming garbage is Chris T, owner of the BC Bombers, 2006 IFL Champions. Yes, he won the IFL in only his 2nd season, a feat last accomplished by....... none other than yours truly, the Slickster, in 1994. Anyway, here is a brain dump for the month of January, as this will begin a trend of monthly offseason spewage regarding all things IFL and non-IFL.


Draft update

It looks like the long-standing tradition of drafting on the 4th Saturday of August (8 years in a row I believe) will be coming to an end thanks to none other than RVG. Apparently he will be in Vegas that weekend, so don't feel sorry for him. However, it puts us in a unique position of having to work out a draft date. Do not despair, I am not asking anyone to clear their calendar yet, but one date that has been kicked around (with positive response) is Labor Day, September 3. This would be a change from the norm in that all preseason games will be completed by then, which is a good thing. In previous years, with the late August draft, some drafted players still had to play in 2 preseason games. What this also means is that it would eliminate the need for the supplementary round of pickups which have taken place on the Tuesday before the regular season starts. I'm not going to break balls and try to nail down a date yet, but sometime around late March/April I will be sending out the first exploratory email, and Labor Day Monday, 9/3/07, will be one the dates nominated to be 2007 Draft Day.

Regarding location, the 2007 IFL Draft venue has not been determined. With several IFL owners purchasing new homes in the past couple years, we have lots of potential for new venues. If you would be willing to host a draft, let me know and you will be considered. Wo-Man set the bar at a record high last year with his hospitality, so hopefully the Draft will continue to be an all out feast wherever it is held. Another suggestion was brought to the table - holding the Draft at a public venue, such as a restaurant or rented room (as we did from 1994-1996). Personally I prefer to see it hosted at a house, but as with any choice, it has its pros and cons. No one would have to be bothered with cleanup, or the stress of having Holland in their house, but then again, there would be a cost involved. Regardless, this is another one of the many details that does not need to be ironed out yet, but it will be discussed amongst the people in the months ahead.

In the months ahead, we will get into some rules changes which may be kicked around by the Rules Committee. Keep in mind we are trying make this a more open forum, so that all owners can be apprised of changes that are taking place in the league, and voice their comments and concerns.


Community Bulletin

I will be hosting a poker tourney at my house on Saturday, March 3. If interested, please let me know. The game will be no limit hold'em (the Cadillac of poker), and we're hoping to get about 3 tables going. Buy-in will be $50, and we are probably going to get started around 5pm or so. Pass this along to any friends who would be interested in playing.

Part Time Pimps owner Mike B is hosting a Super Bowl party at his house. Feel free to stop by and drink his beer and eat his food.

If you wish to have an event published in the IFL Community Bulletin, please email me or stop by the IFL Community Events Center, which is adjacent to the IFL Botanical and Wildlife Refuge, fill out a form and submit it to the receptionist.


Where Are They Now?

I stopped by RVG's house in NE Philly to get my hair cut one night last week, and was aghast when a small Chinese woman answered the door. I reluctantly got out my wallet and began to undo my belt, when the woman threatened to call the police on me. It was then I remembered - RVG has moved. He is now staying at his mom's house in Somerton until his new digs in Souderton, PA are built. Him and Teen Money will be moving into the new place in June. Congratz.


Super Bowl Prediction

Indianapolis 37, Chicago 24


See you in February.
Commissioner Cambodian

Commissioner's Closing Address to the League

This address was originally dated December 30, 2006.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone for another splendid season of IFL Football, and wish you and your family a Happy, Prosperous, Mischeivious, Promiscuous, and Lascivious New Year. And despite all the rumours and controversy, I am pleased to announce the IFL will be back for it's 15th season in 2007. Whether or not any of you will be asked to return is another story. But rest assured, I am writing a 15th Chapter of my IFL novel (and yes, it's a piece of shit). You will hear from me as details materialize, so check your inboxes in 2007.

Also, I must congratulate our 2006 Champions, the Bucks County Bombers, owned by none other than Christopher T., of the Microsoft Corporation, who is the IFL's first-ever corporate Champion. In only his 2nd season in the IFL, Chris, a noted fantasy phanatic, whose entry into the league was unanimously protested last year, has proven himself a worthy owner. For all his hard work, he will receive a key to Suite 1400 of the IFL Champions Club, whose membership is outrageously exclusive. Indeed.

Furthermore, it is with deep regret that I congratulate Holland and his Hit Squad on their fabulous 12-1 regular season, including a 12-game winning streak to start the season. A feat of such insignificance cannot go unmentioned, but the burning sensation of falling short in the Finals is one that will surely keep Holland up many nights until 7am, doubled over the toilet in agony.

In closing, I can assure you that the IFL Rules Committee will be having many sleepless nights this offseason, forever tinkering with and fondling the rules of our great league. I will keep everyone informed of any changes as they occur, and in fact, will be posting minutes from our RC Meetings on the IFL Blog. Rest assured, we have been keeping track of things that annoyed us during the season, and those items will be discussed at length. We are always trying to improve the league and make it more enjoyable, intense, inclusive, and user-friendly whenever possible. We tried some new things out this past year...some worked well, some didn't. Next year, hopefully things will run much smoother. It's hard to please 14 people all at once (unless your name is Mike B.), but believe me, we try. As always, any suggestions, complaints, feedback, and/or recommendations are welcome.

Once again, I wish everyone a Happy New Year, and have a great and prosperous offseason.

Commissioner
Cambodian Slick

2006 Champion's Address to the IFL

The following is a letter from Chris T, owner of the 2006 IFL Champions, Bucks County Bombers, dated January 6, 2007.

Fellow owners, I apologize for the delay in my formal IFL championship speech. Between championship parade planning, book signings and public speaking engagements, its already been a tremendously busy offseason. Now, if you don’t mind, a few brief words…

On behalf of Steven Jackson and the entire Bucks County Bombers football franchise, it’s an honor to be crowned 2007 IFL Champions. I humbly accept the responsibility and now lofty expectations of being not just the current champion but also an IFL prodigy, having managed two winning seasons and a championship in my first two seasons. Fortunately for my IFL brethren, modesty deters me from bringing attention to the fact that I guaranteed a championship in my first three seasons. Mission accomplished.

To that extent, I can’t help but draw parallels to Joe Namath and the ’69 Jets. Just as the Jets vindicated the entire AFL after the merger by knocking off the heavily favored Colts, the Bucks County Bombers vindicated the LLF by taking the league by storm and proving that the league they originated from was a worthy alternative after all. But before I get too far ahead of myself, I would to like to take a minute to recognize those without whose support none of this would be possible. First off, to my opponent, I say congratulations on a historic season worthy of a better ending. To the rest of the league, I offer a sincere thank you. Thank you for so graciously allowing me to draft 3 top 10 RB’s in the first 5 rounds. Thanks to the Mud Dogs for drafting Ronnie Brown instead of Stephen Jackson. Thanks especially to Shu for expanding the available pool of talent by drafting retired and disabled players. Lastly, thanks to my second round playoff opponent, PTP, for failing to show up. I’d also like to take this time to dispel the recent rumors that I’ll be replacing Bill Cowher as the Steelers head coach and General Manager. Discussions with Mr. Rooney are merely in the exploratory stages. Fellow owners, rest assured the trophy and title are incapable hands for the next year. The crown will be worn with pride, the trophy cared for with Hope Diamond like white glove treatment. And yes, the shit eating championship grin will endure for the next 350+ days. Time’s yours.