Week 11 Monday Night Malfeasance

Egh. What a day. Football on TV was a crap-o-rama (thanks to Fat Andy) and my winning streak is finally over (I know, WAAAAAA I lost!). And yes, you can pin this loss on Mr. Nougat himself, thanks to my overanalysis of the matchups. Bench Brandon Jacobs vs. the Ravens? Sure! Anyway, whatever, that's what fantasy is all about. Second guessing your bad decisions. I'm not gonna sit here and lament Pierre Thomas' 24 pts that I left on the bench. Nor will I do anything gay like announce my retirement in some elaborate fashion. You just gotta pick yourself up and keep pressing on. Let my stupidity be a life lesson to you all.

Despite the dreadful NFL day we had, the IFL was a veritable carnival, playoff implications and all. Here's a look at what hinges on tonight's abysmal Browns-Bills matchup, and the games that are already part of IFL mythology.

IMPLICATION CITY

Napalm Death 81, Razen Kanes 73

(ND has Winslow, RK has J. Lewis)

Pretty simple here... Devo's slender playoff hopes rest on beating a team who makes the Bengals look competitive. A loss here and he's 2 back in the division. If you can't win this one, the Dogshit Classic is the place for you in Week 14.

Lizard Kings 132, 9 Fingers 83

(9F has M. Lynch)

This is basically over, as Shu's once promising season (he started 3-0) is quickly turning to shit. Johnny E. Goode should be able to maintain his lead in the East barring Marshu Lynch turning water into wine or loaves into fishes.

These games are OVER.

Hit Squad 125, Rich & Creamy Nougat 103

FINAL

We can discuss my miscalculations all you want, but I'll spare you the greusome details. Ryan Grant (27) and Kevin Smith (22) freakin killed me here, not to mention the sudden impotency of Tim Hightower (3). And what's up with Delhomme throwing for under 100 yds for the second straight week. Piss poor. I wish I could still add/drop people because he would be kicked to the curb. Anyway, both teams are now 8-3 in the West, but Hit Squad has swept the season series, hence they are in the drivers seat. Holland enjoy that $20 bill, because I am going to wipe the sweat off my balls with it before I give it to you.

Mighty Meatballs 130, Mud Dogs 87

FINAL

My favorite IFL team in Week 11 was victorious! Meatball snapped the tie that bound him with Mike P, and dealt a serious blow to his playoff chances (he said blow). Meats are 6-4-1, Dogs are 5-5-1. As predicted, Manning went apeshit (33), but we did not expect the great day out of DeAngelo Williams (35). I'll take it.

Purple Throbbing Pens 176, Dragons 100

FINAL

Holy shit, Batman, what got into PTP? TJ Housh 37, Addai 36, Boldin 36, and HWard 27, that's what. That would give him the weekly $20 for the 2nd straight week, a grand total of 338 points in the last 2 weeks. I guess the purple throbbing pen15 shot his load, now he can become theNoto floppy flaccid phallus that he normally is. He's now 5-6 and not quite out of it yet, I don't think (although I have to do the math later tonight). As for Wo, another disgraceful day...he's 6-5 and fading fast!

Notorious RVG 122, Dead Beats 90
(RVG has Lindell)
Another day at the office for RVG, as he sends Chaos to his 10th loss of the season. And he left these guys on the bench: W. Parker 17, Thomas Jones 24, and Justin Gage 41! Thanks for not running the score up. The football gods may yet reward you. As it stands, RVG is still in 1st by a game, tied for the best record in the league at 8-3 with the other 2 clowns.

Ballbusters 103, BC Bombers 89
(Bob has L. Evans)
Congrats to BCB for putting forth a full effort this week (he actually had 8 active players in there). It was no match for the stinky ass of Ballbusting Bob. Although he may have been sweating a little bit until MBIII's Herculean effort on SNF (32). He is only a game back in the Central at 7-4.

Good luck to all tonight, and after everything shakes down, we just might have an idea of this whole playoff picture thing.

F Holland

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Thursday Night and Week 11 Preview and more

Lot of action last night...lot. of.. action. But the big star from last night's Jets-Pats game was nowhere to be found in an IFL lineup! Yes, Matt Cassel and his 51 was on the bench of guess who? The BC Bombers. Yet another embarassment for the beleaguered former champion Chris T (which should in turn embarass all of you, the fact that he actually won this league). I would normally cut him some slack, since it was a tough decision between starting Cassel and Jason Campbell, as the Jets D was highly regarded... but still - LOL what a dope.

Before we take a look around the league and see how last night's slugfest in Foxboro affected the Week 11 games, let's quickly peek at the playoff standings.

If the season ended today (sponsored by FrankTV):

1. Rich & Creamy Nougat (8-2, 1st place West)
2. Notorious RVG (7-3, 1st place Central)

3. Lizard Kings (6-4, 1st place East)
4. Hit Squad (7-3, 2nd place West)
5. Dragons (6-4, tied for 2nd, Central)
6. Ballbusters (6-4, tied for 2nd, Central)

and now for Week 11...

THE $20 SLOBERKNOCKER BETWEEN 2 SLOBS
Hit Squad 16, Rich n Creamy 0
Last night: Hit Squad got 16 out of Gostkowski. I was not thrilled to see 16 out of Holland's (7-3) kicker, but I weathered a flaccid effort from Braylon Edwards (2) last Thursday and managed to outpoint Shu. This week RCN (8-2) faces considerably tougher matchups across the board. The Giants face the Ravens, which means bad matchups for Eli and Jacobs. As such, RCN owner Trenton Titsworth is highly considering starting Jake Delhomme (who plays Detroit) at QB. Jacobs will likely stay in the lineup, but the tough decision will be who sits between Tim Hightower, Dwayne Bowe, and Vincent Jackson. If I start Hightower and Jackson, that means I'll have 3 guys that Wo traded to me in my lineup. Thanks big guy, hope you enjoyed Bulger's -1 last week. As for Hit Squad, the big question mark is Clinton Portis, and that would be huge. As of now he has not practiced and may not play. Wonderful. Although McNabb could light it up vs. the Bungals. I would not be surprised if Holland picks up Greg Lewis and starts him, and Lewis puts up a 40-bomb.

Anyway, this is our Game of the Week, as the playoff and financial implications are huge. If Hit Squad wins, I owe Hols $20 (as per the terms of our prop bet), and he moves in to 1st place in the West thanks to the head-to-head tiebreaker (he is going for the sweep). If RCN wins, that all but locks the division up, as Nougat would have to lose their last 2 and Hit Squad win the last 2. Not to mention the #1 seed would be looking very good also, as RCN defeated 7-3 RVG earlier this season.

UNTIED: THE REMATCH
Mighty Meatballs 28, Mud Dogs 24
(Meatballs had Coles - 8, R. Moss - 11, and Pats D - 9. Mud Dogs had Favre - 24.)
Needless to say, things are looking bad for Meat (5-4-1). Moss would have been even worse if he didn't catch that last second TD. His only saving grace could be if Peyton absolutely torches the Texans. As for Mud Dogs, they are looking at pretty good matchups all the way around...which sucks because I always root against Mike P. Come on Meat, I'll buy you the first drink at John E's Xmas Party if you win!

In terms of playoff implications, this is a pretty huge game. The loser will probably be at least 1.5 games out of the last playoff spot, not to mention lose the head-to-head tiebreaker vs the winner. So this is essentially almost a playoff game in Week 11. Getcha popcorn and blunts ready.

WHEN YOU LOOK AT WO-MAN FROM A DISTANCE, HE KIND OF LOOKS LIKE A SCHLONG
Dragons 17, Purple Throbbing Penis 15
(Dragons had Cotchery - 17 and Green-Ellis - 0. PTP had Jets D - 15)
Not sure what happened to Ben Jarvis and Green Ellis last night, but they combined for oogatz. PTP (4-6) had a slightly disappointing night out of NYJ D, after they scored a TD on a KO return. But the suddenly vulnerable-looking Dragons (6-4) get a shot in the arm as Tony Homo returns to the lineup. This may be a double dose of good news as that we could also see TO return to glory for the Wo.

I think PTP is still alive by a miniscule thread of ball hair, so of course a win would be huge. Not to mention the goodwill they'd gain across the league by defeated the hated Wo-Man. Wo obviously needs this one bad to keep up with his Central counterpart Ballbusters, who have an easy game this week.

THERE WILL BE BLOOD (AND PROBABLY A SHU MELTDOWN)
Lizard Kings 22, 9 Fingers 0
(Kings had Welker last night - 22)
I don't need to tell you the enormity of this game, it would be redundant. Whenever Lizard Kings (6-4) and 9 Fingers (5-5) meet, it's always a bloody mess, and someone always gets their feelings hurt. John E got about what he expected from Welker last night. I could feel Shu wincing from my house every time Welker had the ball thrown near him.

L-Kings control their own destiny in the East, but they are far from a lock for the playoffs, as the 4th place team is only a game behind. Fingers obviously need lots of wins...or else they will miss out on the fabulous IFL postseason party (which will be catered by Club Risque this year).

EVIL vs. EVIL
Ballbusters 0, B.C. Bombers 0
I am more mad about Bob possibly not losing to another horrible team, than I am about Chris being non-competitive. But BCB's actions are still deplorable. Cassel: 51 on the bench. I saw Bob chortling in the parking lot this morning as he stuffed his face with a cheese danish. You know the deal, Ballbusters (6-4) are on the cusp of postseason glory, and only a game back of 1st. But one slipup could make his playoff dreams go *poof*. BCB (3-7) is currently pondering which Bowl invitation to accept.

I CAN'T BELIEVE MY FINANCIAL FUTURE DEPENDS ON TONE MONEY'S SUCCESS
Napalm Death 0, Razen Kanes 0
Let us take a moment to laugh at the fact that Holland gave Tone Money (1-9) his only win this year. LOL...Holland sucks. Speaking of money, I am on the verge of winning my other famous prop bet... as I hold a 3-game lead over Napalm Death (5-5). What did we say, $10 a game, Devo? F you, pay me.

I THINK I JUST SHIT MY PANTS
Notorious RVG 0, Dead Beats 0
Dead Beats on a 1-game winning streak. RVG is fighting for the bye. Something must give. And I think it was my rectum. Oh well, another pair of soiled boxers down the tubes. I just hope I didn't leave bacon strips on the ass of my khakis.


REMAINING SCHEDULES of POTENTIAL PLAYOFF PARTICIPANTS

Lizard Kings: 9 Fingers, Mud Dogs, Meatballs
Mud Dogs: Meatballs (loss), Lizard Kings (loss), RVG (loss)
Meatballs: Mud Dogs, Razen Kanes, Lizard Kings
Napalm Death: Razen Kanes, Dead Beats, Rich & Creamy

Notorious RVG: Dead Beats, Ballbusters, Mud Dogs
Dragons: PTP, Rich & Creamy, Ballbusters
Ballbusters: BCB, RVG, Dragons
PTP: Dragons, Hit Squad, Dead Beats

Rich & Creamy: Hit Squad, Dragons, Napalm Death
Hit Squad: Rich & Creamy, PTP, BCB
9 Fingers: Lizard Kings, BCB, Razen Kanes

Bowl-eligible: Razen Kanes, Dead Beats, B.C. Bombers

Good luck!

T. Titsworth

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Week 10 Recap and Bloopers and Practical Jokes

We had a couple spoilers and another big lineup gaffe.

Rich N Creamy 118, 9 Fingers 102
8 in a row for RCN (8-2). Gore and Hightower each put up 11 on MNF to seal the deal. Shu (5-5) wastes gems from Wayne (34) and Rivers (28).

Lizard Kings 120, Napalm Death 98
Huge division win for first-place Lizards (6-4). Warner - 39 on MNF. Ouch. ND (5-5) starts off great with a Royal 39 on Thursday but they benched Winslow and his 36, then fell flat on Sunday.

Mud Dogs 111, Razen Kanes 88
Dogs (5-4-1) get 36 out of Peterson, not a surprise. Flacco (23) is Kanes (1-9) leading scorer! It's official, Tone Money currently has the worst team in the IFL. How could this happen?

Purple Throbbing Pens 162, Notorious RVG 140
LOL PTP (4-6) - only 4 wins but had the weekly high score 2 of those times. OMG RVG (7-3) - 2nd highest score of the week, and a loss.

Dead Beats 137, Ballbusters 82
Congrats to da Beats (1-9), their perfectly abysmal season is over. Thanks to Cutler (51). Ballbusting Bob (6-4), despite Brees (33), loses a key chance to gain ground in the Playoff chase.

Mighty Meatballs 121, BC Bombers 119
BC Bombers (3-7) had their kicker on a bye and did not replace him. Last week, his starting D was on a bye. His draft time was like 9 hours. Are you trying to be Mr. Bad Ass, playing by no one's rules but your own? Being the antagonist, eh? Mailing it in like that is piss poor, especially since it could affect the playoff race, and the bank accounts of almost everyone in the league. Knowing Meatball he'll probably lose the rest of his games, but still. Meatballs (5-4-1) win by 2.

Hit Squad 132, Dragons 67
Negative 1 for Bulger. That sums Dragons' (6-4) afternoon up. Hit Squad's (7-3) Mystery Hero of the Day for this week was Kevin Smith (19). I wonder who he'll pull out of his rectum next week vs. me?


Week 11 - Look into the future

Razen Kanes (1-9) vs Napalm Death (5-5)
Mud Dogs (5-4-1) vs Mighty Meatballs (5-4-1) - tie rematch
PTP (4-6) vs Dragons (6-4)
Dead Beats (1-9) vs Notorious RVG (7-3)
Hit Squad (7-3) vs Rich & Creamy (8-2)
9 Fingers (5-5) vs Lizard Kings (6-4)
Ballbusters (6-4) vs BCB (3-7?)


EDITOR'S NOTE

Thursday night brings us the Jets and the Patriots live on NFL Network. Please remember those players in your lineup by then. Same deal as last week with the free agents, those guys are off limits once the game starts).


FA DEADLINE

Yes, it is here. It seems that the new FFA system was a raging success, and even one of its biggest proponents and fincanciers, Ballbusting Bob, committed the very type of abuse that he was tirading against (picking up a player off the free agent heap then dropping him a minute later when he realizes there was someone slightly better so he picks him up). What a hypocrite! But anyway, this is the last week to pick someone up. As of 12:55 pm on Sunday morning, your rosters are locked for the year! (except for the very cryptic kicker rule)


ROSTER DISCUSSIONS

So overall, what do you think of the free-for-all? Also do you think we should reduce rosters? Make the free agent deadline later, or don't have one at all? Stop by my house anytime to sit down and talk about these very issues, as that is what has been discussed at recent RC videoconferences.



LOOK FOR BALLOTS

The 2008 IFL Turkey of the Year ballots will be mailed to your house shortly. I am sending them via Certified Mail, so please make sure someone will be home when they arrive so they can sign for the package.


I think that is all for now.

Commissioner
Lovemore Endo, Esq.

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IFL After 9 Weeks

East - What a jumbled mess. 4 teams are all within a half game, but the way things are looking league-wide, there might only be 1 playoff team to come from this division. As it stands now, Lizard Kings and Napalm Death are tied for 1st at 5-4, and those two teams play a huge game this week to unbreak the tie. (btw as of now, Devo owes me $20). ND won their first meeting, 142-87 back in Week 2. Then we have Mud Dogs and Mighty Meatballs tied at 4-4-1, but going in opposite directions. Dogs have lost 2 straight while Meat has won 2 in a row. Their big tiebreaker game is in Week 11. Should I even mention Razen Kanes, at 1-8?

Central - This is the division full of big swinging dicks. Notorious RVG leads the pack at 7-2 and he is the highest scoring team in the league. Just on his ass are Dragons and Ballbusters at 6-3. Their big games are Week 12 (Ballbusters vs RVG) and Week 13 (Ballbusters vs Dragons). At 3-6, Purple Throbbing Pens are looking pretty hopeless. But the biggest story of all, is Dead Beats, who are 0-9 and continuing their march toward history. I'm fairly certain that this is the first time anyone has ever started a season 0-9. This will definitely be the most compelling storyline as we wind down our IFL season. His final 4 opponents are - Ballbusters, RVG, Napalm Death, and PTP.

West - No team has been hotter than first-place Rich & Creamy Nougat at 7-2...they've won 7 in a row after starting 0-2. However, the games vs their division counterparts are must-win as their 2 losses have come against both teams who are on their heels. Hit Squad is a game back at 6-3, and the big rematch vs. RCN is coming up in Week 11. There is also $$$ on the line, as whoever wins the season series between these two teams wins $20. Then 2 games back is the enigmatic 9 Fingers at 5-4, who just lost to PTP after demolishing Hit Squad a week earlier. Shu does own a win over the Nougat (and they play again this week!), and 9F and Hit Squad split their season series. Bringing up the rear is B.C. Bombers at 3-6... not much of a chance here.

So to recap, we have

• 2 division leaders at 7-2 (RVG & RCN)
• a 3-team group at 6-3 (Dragons, Ballbusters, Hit Squad), which would currently comprise the Wild Card teams
• Then at 5-4, we have 2 teams tied for their division lead (Lizard Kings & ND), as well as a 5-4 team outside of first place (9 Fingers).
• the two 4-4-1 teams (Meatballs and Mud Dogs), only 1/2 game out of 1st.
• Anyone after that is 3-6 and lower (PTP, BCB, Kanes, Dead Beats).

Congrats to the following $20 weekly winners -

Week 8 - 9 Fingers (170)
Week 9 - Hit Squad (131)


Week 10 Schedule -

ND (5-4) vs. Lizard Kings (5-4)
Razen Kanes (1-8) vs. Mud Dogs (4-4-1)
RVG (7-2) vs. PTP (3-6)
Dead Beats (0-9) vs. Ballbusters (6-3)
RCN (7-2) vs. 9 Fingers (5-4)
Meatballs (4-4-1) vs. BCB (3-6)
Dragons (6-3) vs. Hit Squad (6-3)

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