Thursday, October 30, 2008

Champions

phuckin right.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Week 7 Results

Napalm Death 124, 9 Fingers 108
- Chris Johnson's 36 keys the big win for ND.

Notorious RVG 137, Mighty Meatballs 121
- Meatballs' Manning (7) = busto. RVG's Calvin Johnson (36) = monster.

Purple Throbbing Pens 138, Razen Kanes 100
- It was the week of scrub RBs - PTP's Mewelde Moore puts up 41!!! Congrats to Tone for cracking the century mark.

Mud Dogs 138, Dragons 118
- Wo gets 45 out of LenDale White and still loses. I apologize for everything bad I said about that trade (KWarner-for-LWhite).

Lizard Kings 91, BC Bombers 65
- Way to go Johnny. 13th highest score of the week has to be worth something, right?

Hit Squad 122, Dead Beats 115
- This one hurts. Beats were down 4 heading into MNF, with Cutler vs. Hit Squad's Gostkowski. Egh.

Rich & Creamy Nougat 115, Ballbusters 104
- I have to share this story (Bob loves it). At 12 noon I take D Bowe out of my lineup and put D Rhodes in. Rhodes was worth 27, Bowe worth 15. I win by 11. If it wasn't for luck I'd have 15 IFL titles now.


Congrats to Mike P's Mud Dogs and Mike B's PTP, you share the $20 for this week with 138 pts, and RVG was a ballhair away from winning $6.66.

Who won the previous weekly $20s, you ask?

Week 1: Ballbusters (169)
Week 2: 9 Fingers (170)
Week 3: BC Bombers (142)
Week 4: Dragons (158)
Week 5: Ballbusters (138)
Week 6: Notorious RVG (150)


This leaves us with a huge pile-up of FIVE teams leading the IFL at 5-2, including 3 in the Central (RVG, Ballbusters, Dragons) and 2 in the West (Rich & Creamy and Hit Squad).

Then we have one dope at 4-2-1 (Mud Dogs), and three other teams at 4-3 (9 Fingers, Lizard Kings, Napalm Death).

And Dead Beats are hot on the trail of perfection, at 0-7.

Should be an interesting final 6 weeks.

*

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

IFL After 6 - and other nonsense

After the first half of divisional play is complete, let's take a quick look at the division races.

In the East, we have 4 teams within a game of each other. Unfortunately Mud Dogs are at the top, at a laughable 3-2-1. I can't believe this guy is still running hot. Lizard Kings and Napalm Death are each 1/2 game back at 3-3, although ND won head-to-head with a 142-87 flogging of Johnny in Week 2. Mighty Meatballs are in 4th place, 1 GB at 2-3-1, the other half of that ridiculous tie with Mike P. And driving the caboose is the great Razen Kanes at 1-5, whose epic failure of a season can't end soon enough.

In the high-powered Central, we have 3 of the 4 highest scoring teams in the IFL leading the pack. Ballbusters and Dragons are tied for 1st, with the best record in the IFL at 5-1. Dragons breathed a lethal combination of fire and halitosis on Ballbusters, winning the head-to-head matchup in Week 2, 115-86 (they next meet in Week 13). Wo is also riding a 5-game win streak. A game behind those two ass pirates is the Notorious RVG, highest scoring team in the league, although he is 4-2. He handed Dragons their only defeat in Week 1. Then we have the weakerthans, starting with 1-5 Purple Throbbing Pens. After such a promising start (beating Dead Beats in Wk 1), they've dropped 5 straight. Dead Beats remain as our only winless team. Although I'll give him some credit for being more unlucky than horrible (where as PTP has been outright horrible). Beats lost their first four games by 7, 1, 3, and 2 points. Ouch.


Out West, it's a triumverade of blubber, body odor, and big noses. Hit Squad, 9 Fingers, and Rich & Creamy Nougat all sit at 4-2. RCN's 2 losses are to the other teams he's tied with, which puts him in a precarious tiebreak position. And Hit Squad did beat Shu, and he is 3-0 in the division. Nice work, assbag. The worst part about this is - Hit Squad is the 3rd lowest scoring team in the entire IFL! What a dick! Then we have THE lowest scoring team in the league, in last place at 2-4, none other than Bucks County Bombers. God damn disgrace. Their 2-4 record is fraudulent, but they did get their comeuppance from their West counterparts, as they are 0-3 in the division.


POINTS PER GAME RANKINGS (sponsored by Texas Instruments calculators)

1) Notorious RVG 131.5
2) 9 Fingers 131.3
3) Ballbusters 127.8
4) Dragons 127.3
5) R&C Nougat 126.0
6) Mud Dogs 122.8
7) Lizard Kings 121.8
8) Napalm Death 113.7
9) PTPens 112.5
10) Dead Beats 112.0
11) Mighty Meat 111.3
12) Hit Squad 104.7
13) Razen Kanes 92.3
14) BC Bombers 92.0


suckle gently upon the WEEK 7 SCHEDULE, sponosored by Playtex Bras

It's interdivisonal play week, and this year, the theme is tits.

9 Fingers aka 9 Funbags (4-2) vs. Napalm Death aka Nipple Death (3-3)
- average breast (cup) size of owners - firm C

Mighty Meatballs aka Mighty Milkbags (2-3-1) vs. Notorious RVG aka Fundubulous DDD (4-2)
- average cup size of owners - supple C

Purple Throbbing Pens aka Purple Throbbing Areolas (1-5) vs. Razen Kanes aka Razen Kans (1-5)
- average breast size of owners - pointy A

Mud Dogs aka Mud Puppies (3-2-1) vs. Dragons aka Wo Whoppers (5-1)
- average boob size - concave A

B.C. Bombers aka B.C. Boobies (2-4) vs. Lizard Kings aka Lactating Kings (3-3)
- average bust size - a surprisingly nice B cup, pushed up

Dead Beats aka 38DDead Teats (0-6) vs. Hit Squad aka Tit Squad (4-2)
- average can size - DDD, they look like a couple of bowling pins

Game of the Week - Rich & Creamy Nougat aka Rich & Creamy Knockers (4-2) vs. Ballbusters aka Bra-busters (5-1). Average jug size - sloppy D.

Predicted winners - Funbags over Nipples, DDDs over Milkbags, Areolas over Kans, Whoppers over Puppies, Lactation over Boobies, Teats over Tits, and Knockers over Bras.


COMMUNITY BULLETIN

Meatball is having a Halloween Party the night of World Series Game 3. Come dressed as a woman and get fingerbanged by Meat's horny friends. Also, his place is right near Frankford and Cottman so if the Phils win the party will spill out into the streets of Mayfair!

Wo is selling his old piece of shit car, please email him or send a message via IFL message board with any offers.


Good luck this week and peace and love, peace and love.


oh, and GO PHILS

Monday, October 13, 2008

Week 6 Monday Night Macaroons

Tons of fun, with all the exciting finishes in the NFL yesterday. Let's see if the IFL can match it, with 3 games dangling in the balance. F the Phillies, I'll be watching the Giants-Browns game to see if I get my 12 out of Eli, Jacobs, and Edwards. Then once I win at like 8:45 hopefully the Phils will still be batting in the top of the 1st (2 outs, bases loaded for Werth....)

These games have implications:

Ballbusters 125, Hit Squad 100
(Ball has Giants D, Hit has Hixon?)
If Holland wins tonight, I will award him the Bifford K. Pocoroba Memorial GM of the Year award. In fact, I will walk to his house barefoot and present it to him. Ballbaggy had great games out of MBIII (45), Brees (39), and Crayton (23). Hit Squad rode Portis (32) and McNabb (24) to potential defeat. We'll see what happens tonight, I'll be watching this one closely, as I play Bob next week, and I play Holland in a few weeks with $10 on the line. Balls can be 5-1 and tied atop the Central (or tied w/ RVG at 4-2), Hit Squad will be 5-1 with a win and atop the West, or more likely possibly muddled in a 3-way orgy with Rich & Creamy & Shu (unless Shu screws the pooch tonight).

9 Fingers 127, Mighty Meatballs 119
(9F has Toomer, Meat has Carney)
Interesting. A WR vs a kicker. Not all is as it seems in the IFL however, and although Eli throwing TDs to Toomer will ultimately help my cause, I need Meats to win. But enough about my personal problems, Shu had 38 out of Rivers and 30 out of Wayne. Meatball had 37 out of Peyton (about time, ya dick) and 35 out of Berrian?!? Should be a good one, tune in tonight on ESPN, especially if the Phillies are getting blown out again. Shu needs the win to stay on the cusp of West supremacy, Meat can be tied for 1st in the East with a win at 3-2-1!

BC Bombers 100, Rich & Creamy Nougat 88
(RCN has Eli, Jacobs, and B Edwards)
Wow I almost won without 3 of my best players. I should take care of that tonight, barring any miracles by the lake. Gore (25) and Steve "Succulent" Breaston (29) were huge. Nothing like huge Breastoneseses. Man the jokes can go on forever. But they won't. Starting next week, with my big matchup vs. Ballbusters, it is ALL business. btw Chris T is vacationing in the rainforests of Costa Rica, so he probably just assumes he lost anyway. The Noug will go to 4-2 putting them in a likely 3-way tie atop the West, BCB falls to a putrid 2-4, good for last place. I should include this factoid - both teams were 0-2 in West division games heading into this tilt.

These games don't:

Napalm Death 106, Razen Kanes 90
FINAL
Tone Money can't catch a damn break. Edge worth only 2 and JTO'S worth only 6! He shoulda won, dammit! Tone's high scorer was the Vikings D, of course, with 22. As for Devo, this week's QB (Schaub) was worth 32, so a damn fine managerial decision, and that's coming from someone who makes a lot of great managerial decisions. Actually Schaub was his only active, starting QB this week, but let's give the man credit. Bush also put up 21 in a winning effort for ND. Napalm climbs to 3-3, Tone falls to 1-5. Tone basically needs to win 10 straight games and he'll be IFL Champion.

Lizard Kings 127, Mud Dogs 116
(LK has Plaxi-ass)
Whenever Mike P loses, I smile. But the problem is, whenever John E wins, a kitten dies. What a dilemma! In this case, it's not really a tough choice, as I'd microwave a cat every week if that meant Mud Dogs would go 0-13 (and that is coming from a fervant lover of pussy-cats). Buckhalter came up huge for Johnny with 30, so let's call him the Oscar Mayer Bologna player of the game. Andre Johnson led MD with 36. What does this all mean? Well Mud Dogs' faggy grip on the East loosens up (but he's still in 1st at a laughable 3-2-1), and Lizard Kings are 3-3. Oh, the crazy East!

Dragons 132, Purple Throbbing Pens 75
FINAL
Poor Mike B. 5 straight losses. One more and he's out of the league. As for Wo, it's a bittersweet symphony of TDs and gay sex, as Tony Homo puts up 49 but is out for a month with a broken pinky. Rumors say it snapped off inside TO's butt. Dragons are among the best in the league at 5-1 (tied atop the tough Central), while Mike B is one of the worst of all time in any sport, at 1-5.

RVG 150, Dead Beats 104
FINAL
Congratulations are in order to Dead Beats, not only as they celebrate 2 consecutive Jewish holidays, but they lost their 6th straight to open the 2008 IFL season. Not a terrible performance, as MJD put up 33, but dopes like J Porter (0.0) and Roy Williams (4) didn't help the cause any. RVG is on fire though, he's the highest scoring motherf-er in the league, and he's reportedly down to 135 lbs. as he prepares for the stretch run. Well-balanced attack for NotRVG, Rodgers (28), T Jones (28), a couple other solid guys as well who I don't feel like listing. Worth mentioning is that both kickers scored 20... Chaos' Josh Brown (20) and RVG's Elam (21). RVG even won that contest. He is now 4-2 and yet still a game behind the 2 clowns leading the Central. Dead Beats are 0-6 and I think that means they are in last.


*

Monday, October 06, 2008

Week 5 Monday Night Milwaukee's Best

Ah the sweet smell of champagne. I bet the Phils' clubhouse laundry guy is sucking the last drips of bubbly out of the underwear of all the players, getting loaded as we speak. It's a great time to be a Philly sports fan...if not for those Eagles...

Not a ton of drama this Monday night, but it could be a good NFL game, if you choose to watch it instead of Red Sox-Angels.

Here are 2 games which will likely be decided tonight...

Lizard Kings 96, Mighty Meatballs 85
(Meat has Berrian)
Berrian is questionable for tonight’s game, which is appropriate since Meatball is a questionable kind of guy. One thing is for sure, and that is that Johnny E has the Berrian voodoo doll sitting on his $15,000 mahogany desk, with pins inserted in all crevices. Meat also had another gem in his lineup, Miles Austin and his ostrich egg (0). So he could have 2 guys in his lineup with zeros. Not that anyone on his bench was worth a shit. The immortal Johnny had Kurtis Warner in there with 25 (which is kinda low considering the Cards scored 41). Meat did get a nice 33 out of his first round pick, Moss, but other than that, it was a bunch of tripe. Don’t be fooled though, if Berrian plays, this will be hugely dramatic. Meat is 1-2-1 and bordering on irrelevance (although his message board posting last week was his greatest literary work of all time), while the Kings are looking to stay afloat at 2-2.

Notorious RVG 118, BC Bombers 91
(RVG has Wade; BCB has Deuce)
This one could be interesting, although Deuce has done little this year to show that he can put up 27 pts. BCB had huge games out of Roddy White (32) and Cooley (29), but literally nothing else. Larry Johnson, his 1st round pick… had 2 YARDS total yesterday. LOL. RVG had the gonads to start Rodgers and he was rewarded with a 36-bomb. Fitzgerald (24) and Forte (22) were also solid. What does this mean for both teams? Well they were both 2-2 coming into this game so figure it out yourselves. Holland, call me if you can’t figure out what 2+1 is.

These games are OVER, or pretty much over...

Rich & Creamy Nougat 127, Razen Kanes 57
(Kanes have L. Moore and Vikings D)
Look out IFL West elite, you have company. And that company comes in both rich and creamy forms, so take your pick (Holland already said he wants the creamy). Actually calling Holland 'elite' is quite a stretch, but once I depants him in our next meeting (Week 11), and even up my ledger with him, he will be be back amongst the lesser forms of IFL life. As for Tone Money, what did you expect? Last week was clearly an abberation, and the Kanes will continue to flounder. Barring a miracle, RCN will be 3-2 with their third straight W and Kanes will fall to 1-4. And don't you dare say there is any correlation whatsoever with my IFL record, and the amount I post on the Blog. It's just not true. I've been busy tending to my garden and doing yardwork.

Mud Dogs 119, Napalm Death 72
(MD has Peterson; ND has Bush)
The Peterson vs. Bush MNF matchup would have been great if this game wasn’t a complete blowout. And things are looking bleak for Devo. The stock market is tanking, Westbrook is hurt, and to top it off, his Chewbacca action figure fell off the shelf and his head popped off, the 2nd time this year one of his toys broke (if you recall the IFL draft). And Rosenfels over Big Ben? I don’t know much about fantasy, but to me that seems like a bad move. Speaking of the Texans, the Dogs got a stellar day out of Andre Johnson (33) and he had the foresight to start Chad Pennington (17) over Trent Edwards (0 – hurt). Mike P is a mad genius. And a dope at the same time, how weird. Kind of like how Shu is both a man and a woman at the same time. Mud Dogs will be 3-1-1, ND will be 2-3. Probably.

Dragons 122, Dead Beats 99
FINAL
Congrats to Wo, you’re 4-1. Romo (28) and AC Slaton (22) led the way. One of the most underreported IFL stories of the year (not that anyone was really reporting any IFL stories for a while) is that the Dead Beats front office is in Chaos, as they fall to 0-5. This once proud franchise had to sell off its 3 championship banners to pay the mortgage on their stadium. Pathetic. Wo co-rules the roost in Central IFL, while Dead Beats are living like those kids in Austria who were forced to live in the cellar by their sexual abusive grandfather.

Ballbusters 117, Purple Throbbing Pens 96
(Bob has Brees, PTP has D Henderson and Longwell)
Lee Evans (31) and Burner Turner (23) led the way for BallBob. Mike B fights valiantly but will probably lose, since his WR is on the same team as Bob's QB. Oops. More on this game tonight, at 2:30 am on Aunt Jemima Presents - IFL Matchup. BB goes to 4-1 with a win, PTP falls to 1-4 with a defeat.

Hit Squad 122, 9 Fingers 90
(HS has Meachem?)
Ah, the game of the week. Not much of a game, was it? Shu comes up miniscule when it counts. The goose egg by S Moss was especially surprising, and troublesome. I wonder if Moss will bitch about it to the media. Hit Squad had a huge game out of Portis (28) and pulled yet another big game out of his ass from a nobody WR, Dominik Hixon (26), who I’m told plays for the Giants. Never heard of him until now. And the guy he's starting tonight, Meachem? Who the hell is that? Where does he come up with these guys? But the bigger picture is that Holland leads the West at 4-1 and Shu falls into a 2nd place tie at 3-2. It’s getting interesting out West.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Week 5 Schedule!

  • Mud Dogs (2-1-1) vs Napalm Death (2-2) - looking to add some clarity to the muddled East, Devo for the love of god please beat Pisco.
  • Lizard Kings (2-2) vs Mighty Meatballs (1-2-1) - lower-profile East game, but should be highly entertaining nonetheless, both guys usually are.
  • Dead Beats (0-4) vs Dragons (3-1) - winless sap (Chaos) faces Central co-leader and last week's $20 winner (which was directly deposited into his 401k).
  • Purple Throbbing Pens (1-3) vs Ballbusters (3-1) - the ultimate Schlong vs. Balls matchup. Tough luck PTP hopes to get off the Snyde.
  • Razen Kanes (1-3) vs Rich & Creamy Nougat (2-2) - Tone coming off a huge upset over Hols. Nougat rising from the dead. The ultimate chocolate and vanilla swirly game of the week.
  • BC Bombers (2-2) vs Notorious RVG (2-2) - Chris T averaging 135 in his last 2 after putting up a combined 89 in his first 2. RVG is down to 155 lbs. Something must give.
Game of the Week! Hit Squad (3-1) vs 9 Fingers (3-1) - The 2 West leaders match wits. Mr. Lucky (Holland) faces highest scoring team in the IFL (Shu). Hit Squad is about to be indecently exposed. 9 Fingers by 62.