Friday, August 31, 2007

IFL Reality Bytes 2


With all the bad reality shows littering the TV these days, the IFL decided to strike back last year, creating a little satire called "Reality Bytes". Little did we know it would be a HUGE success (it was the 13th most-watched show among girls 12-18 years old in Uzbekistan). So it is back this year with a vengeance. Read on for a preview of Reality Bytes 2.


14 perfect strangers. 14 personalities. OK only 13, since John E is involved. Actually make that 14, since Ballbustin’ Bob is involved. They all come together once again, to live with each other for 4 months in a 2 bedroom apartment in Port Richmond, with no windows and no contact with the outside world, except to change their fantasy lineups and make bets on NFL and college games. And no congenital visits from wives/girlfriends/boyfriends.

Only one person will get out alive. It’s the IFL’s original reality series, Reality Bytes 2.

Let’s meet this year’s cast.

Holland. Homeless person, from parts unknown. He won last year’s Reality Bytes competition. Definitely the 2nd most abrasive person in the RB2 apartment.

Chris T. Male flight attendant, Buffalo, NY. Finished 2nd last year in Reality Bytes, also the defending IFL Champion.

John E. Scientist/Inventor, Brigantine, NJ. Currently working on a cure for swamp ass. Let me know how it’s going, Johnny.

The Wo-Man. Circus Performer, Great Adventure, NJ. Standing 6’8”, Wo will surely have trouble fitting in the RB2 shower.

Tone Money. Vending Machine Technician, NE Philadelphia Airport. The only bi-racial member of the RB2 cast, he is half-black, the other half is more black.

Chaos. Housewife, Yardley, PA. His blatant lies and backstabbing warranted his early eviction from last year’s RB house.

Biff P. Cocktail waiter, Atlantic City, NJ. The commissioner of the IFL and also the most confrontational cast member. His poor attitude (and poor team) got him kicked out early last season.

Devo. Robot, Silicon Valley, CA. He can calculate the exact molecular composition of a fart from across the room, which should be very helpful this season.

Ballbusting Bob. Public defender, Washington, DC. Bob’s legal background gives him a defined psychological advantage, but his interpersonal skills are abysmal. Which makes for great TV.

Shu. Office worker, Tel Aviv, Israel. Shu is actually Hebrew royalty, but is knocked down to earth a couple pegs dealing with the swine in the RB2 apartment.

RVG. Professional Painter, North New Bumblefuck, PA. The rotund RVG is known for knocking back the pizzas and painting detailed murals on the inside of the toilet bowl.

Mike P. Opium Salesman, West Chester, PA. The most fantatically religious houseguest. Last season he spilled his coffee on Holland’s bare chest, creating a scar that resembles Jesus Christ.

Mike B. Corporate Risk Manager, Norristown, PA. Unpopular houseguest for the most part, although he is very adept at unclogging the toilets with his bare hands. He will be very busy this season.

Joey Meatballs. Sous chef, Pizza City, Philadelphia, PA. Meatball was very popular in the house last year as people would use him as an ottoman.

RULES – Each week, the houseguest with the lowest score in their IFL game is kicked out. The person with the highest score for the week has immunity for the following week. If there is a tie for low score, all people tied are evicted. If there is a tie for high score, all people tied are safe from eviction the following week. We play until only 1 person remains. That person wins a set of steak knives.

NFL changing shield logo next year

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/football/nfl/2007-08-30-shield-change_N.htm

IFL may follow suit. Actually maybe we should get a logo first.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

IFL Archives - a look back at the 1997 Draft

August 23, 1997, the frozen tundra of the NE Philly Best Western... this was the site for the 1997 IFL Draft. It was the last IFL Draft held at a public venue. This almost became infamous for the defending champion, Holland, pulling a no-show. Apparently he woke up at around 6pm on Draft Day, which is his normal wake-up time, but it was also the start time of the Draft. What a dope. He did show up, trophy in hand, and we were all never so happy to see him.


If I recall correctly, our deal with the Best Western provided us with unlimited draft beer and hot roast beef. If anyone recalls if the roast beef was tasty, please feel free to comment below. I would bet that it was not as tasty as the roast beef curtains that would follow future drafts.


When the lottery was complete, D-Max (a former owner) pulled the #1 pick for his Wife Beaters, and yours truly pulled the #2 and the Highlight Reals were born. Here is a recap of the 1st round. My how things have changed in fantasy football.

1. Wife Beaters - QB Brett Favre
2. Highlight Reals - RB Emmitt Smith
3. Aborted Avengers - RB Barry Sanders
4. Nine Fingers - RB Curtis Martin
5. Razen Kanes - QB John Elway
6. Hit Squad - QB Steve Young
7. Ballbusters - WR Herman Moore
8. Mustangs - RB Terrell Davis
9. Prime Rob - QB Drew Bledsoe
10. Lizard Kings - WR Jerry Rice
11. Brewers - WR Carl Pickens
12. Dragons - DEF Green Bay
13. Chaos - QB Jeff Blake
14. Napalm Death - RB Terry Allen

I should also note that Devo came back with the 15th pick and took San Fran DEF, the first of 3 DEFs to be taken in the 2nd round. I snagged Antonio Freeman at 2.13 right before D-Max would have taken him to have the Favre-Freeman combo.

Dom's pick of Barry Sanders at #3 was a great one, as Sanders ran for 2,053 yards and 11 TDs that season. However, what he did with Sanders after that day was not so great... after Week 1, me and Dom made a blockbuster deal where I traded him my first 3 draft picks (Emmitt, Freeman, and Dan Marino) for Sanders, Warren Moon, and someone else who I can't remember. So I basically fleeced him for Sanders, and not to mention, Moon had a great year too. Emmitt started off slow that season, and battled injuries all year, finishing with only 1,074 yds and 4 TDs (w/ 40 rec). So I won the league right??? Of course not, because a few weeks later I stupidly traded Sanders and Moon to RVG for fucking Drew Bledsoe and Ben Coates. I think that was basically my equivalent of the Curse of the Bambino, because since then I've yet to go back to the finals.

Some other gems from the 97 Draft:

  • D-Max takes Shannon Sharpe at 2.14 then takes Ben Coates at 4.14. The ol' Double TE...
  • Take a guess whose team this is after 6 rounds: Herman Moore, Jeff George, Eddie George, Jeff Graham, Cinci DEF, Tim Biakabutuka. Yes - Ballbusters.
  • Every team had a defense after Chaos took Miami D at 6.02
  • Dom took 4 straight WRs in rounds 6-9: Chris T. Jones, Horace Copeland, Frank Sanders, and Curtis Conway.
  • D-Max's 11th round pick - Detroit Offense.
  • RVG's 6th round pick - John Kasay.
  • Napalm Death was wisely waiting on QBs even back in '97, before we all heard of that strategy. He ended up with Tony Banks and Gus Frerotte. And still made the Finals.
  • Shu ended up going 12-2 and winning the league somehow. His draft actually looked pretty weak other than Martin in the 1st round. Maybe some trades were made...
To be honest, 1997 was a long time ago. A lot of beers and drugs ago. I'm just thankful I could remember as much as I did.

As a courtesy, I will be sending you all an Excel sheet with the 1997 Draft.

Monday, August 27, 2007

DRAFT WEEK - The IFL Interview with John E


Back in June of this year, IFL Headquarters went through some cost-cutting and laid off about 90 employees, (which comprised about 90% of our workforce). Times were tough, and the rest of the staff has been on edge since then. So when I told Lizard Kings owner and IFL Rules Committee member John E to pack his belongings and see me in my office, I thought for sure he’d be shitting his pants. In reality, I was practically joking him, just calling him up for the IFL Interview. But the joke was on me – as he plopped his resignation letter on my $30,000 antique English mahogany desk. But when I told him the truth, that I just wanted to interview him, he quickly rescinded his resignation. I told him it was too late, and to get his ass out of the building by
5pm.
-----------------------------------

IFL: John, thanks for joining us on such short notice. Let's make one thing clear: I ask the questions around here. You have been the gold standard for mediocrity in IFL circles over the years. What can we expect from you this year, another 7-6 season?

JE: Hey it's my pleasure to be here and to be interviewed by the Larry King of this generation. Like I have anything better to do, anyway. But seriously, I take pride in being consistently mediocre - kind of like the crafty #5 starter who nibbles and slops his way to a .500 season in MLB or pretty much everything the Rolling Stones have done post-1973. These days there are few things in life that you can count on being consistently the same every year. I think my IFL track record kind of defies those odds. You know you can pencil me in for between 6 and 8 wins just about every year. Who else can you say that about?

IFL: You have stated emphatically that you would not draft LaDainian Tomlinson #1 overall. How can you possibly justify that statement, and what type of cologne are you wearing? You smell fabulous.

JE: First of all, thank you. I do smell fabulous. But I don't usually wear cologne. In fact, I barely shower, especially during an IFL winning streak. But I do use Vicks Vaporub from time to time. Maybe that's the intoxicating odor you are referring to.

I believe in creating a lot of smokescreens when it comes to draft strategy. And why change the approach after a sterling record of mediocrity over 14 years? A few years ago I ripped McNabb endlessly and then went out and drafted him in the 2nd round. Other years I ripped Randy Moss endlessly and stated I would never draft him in any round any year. And that's pretty much been the case and still is. So, you know, maybe I'll take LT and maybe I won't. Remember when Buddy Ryan spent weeks ripping Keith Byars, Keith Jackson, and Eric Allen leading up to the NFL drafts and then drafted all of them early in the 1st round? We'll find out next weekend.

IFL: Very confusing. Let's just hope you don't get the #1 pick. Now on to more relevant subject matter. Have you ever seen Mike B.'s penis?

JE: No, I've never actually seen it. But its reputation precedes itself. Unfortunately I have witnessed several IFL Gut Contests though. Not pretty.

IFL: Speaking of great bodies... your two older brothers are professional bodybuilders, yet you have the muscle tone of an old woman. Why is there such disparity?

JE: Two words: Beer. My one brother uses vodka as part of his training regimen. Maybe I should try that. Perhaps, Drago would have beaten Rocky if he had ingested more vodka and less steroids.

IFL: If I were to break into your house right now and steal your iPod, what song would be playing?

JE: Hold on let me check (fiddles with iPod for 2 minutes). Dinosaur Jr - "Keep the Glove"

IFL: Do you need a ride to the Draft? I can pick you up around noon.

JE: Yes, thanks. A ride to the draft would be swell. Hopefully between the two of us we'll be commuting with at least 10 IFL wins this season.

IFL: OK I have just one rule. Don't touch my radio! (laughter) Anyway, I am running out of time, I have to catch a flight to Singapore in about an hour. In closing, tell me what your favorite IFL Draft moment of all time was.

JE: That's cool with me. We're usually on the same page with music anyway, except for that Darkness detour you took on me a few summers ago. WTF was that all about?!

My favorite IFL draft moment....hmmm....it's so hard to pick because of every second of every IFL draft is equally great in my eyes. But for the most memorable moment, it had to be the 2001 draft in general. The year of the brownies....Tone Money goes apeshit and then eventually goes to the hospital in an ambulance, several people never make it to the bachelor party, Bob's neighbors call the cops, Bob's fence gets knocked over. And then half of the crew needs to be carried out of Club Risque at the end of the bachelor party. I'm sure those draft memories suck for Bob, since it was at his house. But we'll still be talking about that draft and the ensuing mayhem for years to come.

And the funniest thing was no disciplinary actions could be handed down by the RC, because we had no rules about any of those things back then. Of course now we have a strict conduct clause in our ownership contracts. We needed that to secure our multi-hundred dollar TV deal.

IFL
: John, it's been a pleasure as always. I wish you the best in everything you do in life. Except the IFL. Now get the fuck out of my office.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

IFL News and Notes - pre-Draft

Well boys and girls, we are 8 days away from the 2007 IFL Draft on Sunday 9/2. The anticipation is at an all-time high. Here are a few guidelines for Draft Day:

  • Be there at 1:00 pm!
  • Bring $135 + any pool monies
  • Bring your swim trunks (although nude swimming is encouraged)
  • Bring your own fantasy mag
  • Bring your own cigarettes
  • Pick up a 3-pac of rubbers at Wawa (the big ones)


Mike B will be emailing directions to his house and any other details shortly, if he hasn’t already (I wouldn’t know, I insta-delete his emails).

Rules Gone Wild

Another quick, minor rule change to speak of, as the Rules Committee convened for a quick late-summer sesssion. You will now be allowed to make 3 free agent pickups each week instead of 2. And just a reminder - we will have 15-man rosters for the entire season, and a max of 3 players on IR at once. As you recall, the weekly F.A. pickups are now done by the website. They are processed early Friday morning (I believe around 1am). I will not be doing any manual changes this year if anyone F's up, so you are expected to know how to work this function on the site.

Community Bulletin

I’m trying to organize a Pocoroba Pool for the '07 NFL Season. It’s a change from the regular pick’em and survivor pools. You pick 5 NFL games each week vs. the spread, rank them 5 through 1 in order of your confidence, and if your 5-pt game is right, you get 5 pts, etc…. Most points at the end of the year wins. It’s only $20 and it will be run on Sportsline. See my secretary if interested (DO NOT hit on her, she’s only 16). Or see me at the draft.

Happy Birthday to RVG, he turns 45 on August 28.

Congratulations to Mike P., he was named one of the area's Top 50 Most Undesirable Bachelors by Philadelphia magazine.

If anyone wishes to be interviewed for the IFL Blog, let me know.


Sit on This (Couch) and Rotate

Wo-Man came up with the extremely brilliant idea of having IFL owners rotate as hosts of Sunday afternoon gatherings during the upcoming NFL/IFL season. We've had several responses from people willing to host. IFL Draft Host and professional businessman Mike B has stepped up and offered to host Week 1. He has said it will be a family-friendly affair, with pony rides and clowns (bring your own clown). Not sure if anyone is going to want to see him again after just seeing him 7 days earlier though, but he's put the offer out there. You will see his setup at the draft.

Also, John E has offered up his residence in downtown Philly for Week 3, when the Eagles host the Lions, wearing their throwback unis. In keeping with the throwback theme, JohnE will be serving sandwiches that were leftover from his 2003 Christmas Party.

If you want to throw your name into the hat for future weeks, let everyone know!

I might try for a week in October or something like that. Keep in mind, I have a 56"...... TV (what did you think I was going to say? he he he)


That is all for now. See you at the Draft.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Odds to Win the 2007 IFL Championship

As we do every year, we will turn it over to the host of “Aces High”, the incomparable Sam “Ace” Rothstein, who has personally tabulated this year’s Odds to Win the 2007 IFL Championship, exclusively for iflblog.blogspot.com.

Mr. Rothstein can be seen on “Aces High” every Saturday night at 11PM (Pacific time) on Channel 2, or can be spotted on the floor of the world famous Tangiers Resort & Casino on the strip in Las Vegas, where he currently sits on the Board of Directors and serves as the Food & Beverage Manager. Take it away, Ace.

Ace” Rothstein: Thanks, Cambodian. Now here are the odds to win the 2007 IFL Championship.

John E.
6-1
Chaos
7-1
RVG
9-1
Chris T.
10-1
Shu
12-1
Devo
14-1
Mike B.
14"1'
Wo-Man
16-1
Cambodian S.
18-1
Ballbustin’ Bob
43-2
Tone $
69-1
Joey Meat
999-1
Mike P.
2,000,000-1
Holland
off the board

John E’s strict offseason training regimen of medicinal marijuana and colon hydrotherapy, is cited as the reason for making him the favorite. Chaos is a close second since this is an odd-numbered year (he won the IFL title in 2005, 2003, and 2001, and has been a complete donkey in even-numbered seasons). Sharp money is coming in on Cambodian, looking for a potential bounceback year after an abysmal 2006. Stay away from Chris T. at all costs (no repeat champion ever) and save your money when thinking about Mike P. and those juicy odds, because they may actually get juicier once we see the team he drafts.

TOTALS

Over/under number of wins during 2007 IFL Regular Season
(any shenanigans will result in the voiding of all wagers)

RVG 9.5
John E. 9
Chaos 8.5
Mike B. 8.5
Chris T. 8
Shu 8
Devo 7.5
Wo-Man 7.5
Holland 6.5
Cambodian 6.5
BB Bob 6.5
Tone $ 5.5
Joey Meat 4.5
Mike P. 3.5


And now for the prop bets.

Will someone leave a log in Mike B’s fire pit?
Yes -180
No +150

Will any of the hairs on Chris T’s head move at any time during the draft?
Yes +280
No -320

Will Holland show up?
Yes -110
No -110

Will someone get thrown unwillingly into the pool?
Yes -150
No +140

How many hugs will Tone Money get during the day?
Over 16.5 -140
Under 16.5 +180

Who will be the last to show up?
John E. +150
the field (anyone else) -160

Whose cannonball will allow the most water to escape from Mike B’s pool?
RVG 2-1
Holland 5-2
Whit 5-1
Meatball 8-1
Ball. Bob 10-1

This concludes the 2007 IFL preseason betting odds. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to making sure that there are an equal amount of blueberries in each muffin.

Monday, August 06, 2007

IFL News & Notes

LEAGUE FEES

Last month I posted an informal poll on the IFL website, to get your opinion on the current state of league fees. 11 owners responded, and 8 of you stated that you would like to see us raise the stakes.

With that, we will be raising the base IFL league fees to $125.00 for the 2007 season.

We will not be discussing any further increases until at least the 2010 season, unless the Wo-Man decided he wants to foot the bill for all of us.


ASSET ALLOCATION

Here is how we will be divvying up the funds.

$125 * 14 = $1750

IFL Champion: $500
Runner-up: $150

Playoff seeds ($660 total)
#1: $175
#2: $150
#3: $125
#4: $80
#5: $70
#6: $60

13 weekly winners + IFL-BCS winner + Week 16 winner @$20 each = $300

Overhead ($140 total)..............
Website = $65
Draft board = $25
Trophy related expenses = $50


That is all for now, much more to come. Less than 4 weeks till Draft Day.


Sunday, August 05, 2007

Hall of Shame

For me, the NFL Preseason did not get off to a very pleasant start. First, Michael Irvin, a mortal enemy of Eagles fans, was elected to the Hall of Fame. Then, the Hall of Fame Game on Sunday night was not televised on Comcast, because the NFL Network is no longer part of their basic package. Bullshit on both accounts.

Does anyone know which party is responsible for NFLN becoming a pay channel on Comcast? Apparently on DirecTV carries it on their basic package, of course, because they have exclusive rights to the NFL Sunday Ticket. The fans are the real losers here (those of us w/cable, that is). If anyone lets me know, I'll let you, the loyal readers know.

Then if you get DirecTV, you don't have Comcast SportsNet, which means, no Phillies for about 120 games out of the year. Imagine not being able to yell at Charlie Manuel for another boneheaded decision, or curse out Abraham Nunez for grounding into a double play, or wish bad things upon Jose Mesa. I mean, that takes up most of my time now. Without that in my life, I don't know what I'd do... oh yeah, I guess watch NFL Network.