Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Playoff Scenario heading into Week 13

WHAT WE KNOW

We know that Hit Squad (12-0, West Champs) is the #1 seed and Part Time Pimps (10-2, East Champs) are the #2 seed, and they will have Week 14 off. I'm sure they will undoubtedly spend their vacation on a weekend ski trip, so they can snuggle with each other by the fire. Congrats homos. Hit Squad receives $170 for their troubles, and PTP receives $150. By the way, it's a completely meaningless game, but they play each other in Week 13. That is, if you consider Holland trying to be the first to go 13-0 meaningless.

We also know that BC Bombers, Notorious RVG, and Lizard Kings (all 8-4) have all clinched a playoff spot. See below for their breakdown.


CENTRAL SHAKEDOWN - 3, 4, 5 SEEDS

Now for the meat and potatoes section of the playoffs. We know who the #3, #4, and #5 seeds are, we just don't know in which order they'll fall. And they are the three teams tied atop the Central at 8-4 - B.C. Bombers, Lizard Kings, and Notorious RVG. All formidable foes. Regardless, they've already clinched that they're going to be playing in Week 14, so basically the main prize here is the money for the division ($130 as opposed to $70 or $60), as well as the #3 seed's privelege of playing the #6 seed, a considerable dropoff this season. And the two non-division winners will play each other in the 4 vs. 5 Wild Card game in Week 14. Here's how it will shake down:

BCB and RVG play each other in Week 13, so that simplifies things somewhat. The loser of that game will be 8-5 and will not win the division.

Lizard Kings play Blue Dogs. If they lose, they won't win the division, and the winner of BCB-RVG wins it. For simplicity's sake, let's hope Lizard Kings lose.

However, if LK wins... we will have a tiebreaker situation. If BCB beats RVG, LK will win the division based on the head-to-head tiebreaker (LK swept BCB). If RVG wins, we will have to go to the 3rd tiebreaker, total points (LK and RVG split, and they will both have a 5-3 division record). As of now, RVG has a 76-point lead over LK...so unless LK goes completely apeshit, it looks like an RVG-LK tie will go to RVG.

To summarize:

  • LK wins, RVG wins = RVG wins division (probably).
  • LK wins, BCB wins = LK wins division.
  • LK loses, RVG wins = RVG wins division.
  • LK loses, BCB wins = BCB wins division.


Whoever is the 4 or 5 seed doesn't matter, except for the purposes of money, as they'll be playing each other anyway.

#6 SEED - 4 DOPES

Here, we have 4 teams fighting for 1 spot. Razen Kanes and Mud Dogs are both 6-6, while Dragons and Dead Beats are both 5-7 (amazingly still alive).

Razen Kanes (6-6) play Dragons (5-7) in Week 13. Also, Mud Dogs (6-6) take on BPM, while Dead Beats (5-7) take on Meatballs.

Obviously, either RK or MD can take the #6 seed by winning and the other losing. However, if they both win, we have to go to the total points tiebreaker, since they did not meet during the season. And as of now, RK leads MD by a slim margin, of only 6 points, 1033-1027. The next tiebreaker after that is Most Points Against (strength of schedule) - this according to the Constitution on the IFL web site. MD has 1121 PA, RK has 1092 PA.

Now, regarding the two 5-7 teams (Dragons/DB), obviously, if one of the 6-6 teams win, they're both out regardless. Or if they lose themselves, they're obviously out. The only possible way these two dopes would become involved in a tiebreaker is if they win and both RK and MD lose (Dragons play RK, remember, so that game would complete 33% of the equation). So there would have to be at least a 3-way tiebreaker. And since both RK and MD would be involved, and they didn't play each other, the tiebreaker would be - highest total points amongst all teams tied at 6-7. And surprisingly, the 5-7 teams hold that advantage as of now. Here's how it stacks up after 12 weeks:

Dragons 1128
Dead Beats 1105
Razen Kanes 1033
Mud Dogs 1027

To summarize:

MD wins, RK wins = tiebreaker decides #6 seed
MD wins, RK loses = MD is #6 seed
MD loses, RK wins = RK is #6 seed
MD and RK lose, Dragons win, DB loses = 3-way total pts tiebreaker decides #6 seed (MD/RK/Drag)
MD and RK lose, Dragons and DB win = 4-way total pts tiebreaker decides #6 seed (MD/RK/Drag/DB)

It's that simple.

And I almost forgot, here's the Playoff Money breakdown, by seed:

1 - $170 (Hit Squad)
2 - $150 (PTP)
3 - $130
4 - $70
5 - $60
6 - $50

IFL Champion = $400
Runner-up = $140

Monday, November 20, 2006

IFL Week 11 Monday Night Diarrhea

The following games have HUGE fantasy implications!!!!!

Dead Beats 74, Biff Pocoroba Massacre 62
(DB has Reg. Williams, BPM has Jones-Drew)
Does anyone care about this game? I guess Dead Beats are still in the hunt for the #6 seed, so I guess this is somewhat noteworthy. For the Beats, LJ was worth 28 and Wayne worth 25...so do the math and you can figure how the rest of the team did. For Biff, it was the usual slop led by Thomas Jones' 15. A comeback win is not out of the question tonight, and it would certainly put a nail in King Chaos' coffin. Keep in mind that we are in an even-numbered year, in which Dead Beats always blow moosecock (yet they win titles in odd-numbered years). If DB wins, they will be 5-6 and still alive, if not he'll be 4-7 and dead in the water. Biff needs a win to keep pace with Mighty Meatballs.

Napalm Death 84, Mighty Meatballs 72
(ND has Tiki; MM has Plaxico)
I thought my game was bad.... 2 horseshit teams here. The best possible result is ND going to 4-7 and Meatballs falling to a career-best 2-9.


These games are ovah.

Part Time Pimps 72, Mud Dogs 67
(FINAL)
Wow - this has to be one of the most unusual games in IFL history. PTP was putting up an all-time clunker until LT completely bailed them out on Sunday night, putting up 51, an amazing 70% of his team's output for the week. Don't cry for MudDogs, they didn't deserve to win either, with their Dolphins D putting up the majority of their points, with 27. Congrats to PTP, who clinches the East, going to 9-2. MudDogs fall back in the pack at 5-6.

Razen Kanes 104, BC Bombers 100
(FINAL)
A big win for Tone Money as he goes to 6-5. This was all Patriots, as Brady (38) and the Pats D (31) provided much of the Kanes' punch. The Bombers fell short despite the great day for Frank Gore (28)...but if he only had a TD to go with those 212 rushing yards! BCB falls back in the crowded Central to 7-4, still very much in the playoff picture.

Notorious RVG 101, Lizard Kings 97
(FINAL)
Oh poor Ellis. He had a chance to take the Central division by the balls, but Javon Walker came up small, with only 6 in the Sunday nighter. He had a well-balanced attack led by who else, Steve Smith's 21. The Notorious one was led by the Carolina D (42), one of many D's in the league who had big days yesterday. In this Game of the Week (it woulda been had I posted one), Gross takes a 1-game lead in the Central at 8-3, while Lizard Kings fall back to 7-4 tied with BC Bombers.

9 Fingers 63, Blue Dogs 48
(9F had Eli; BD is done)
More manure-like substances in this battle of the Central lesser-thans. Shu is 4-7, Blue is 3-8. Time to start checking the mail for Bowl Game invitations. The Cambodian Leaf Blower Bowl sponsored by Lincoln Financial Ass-ets awaits.

Hit Squad 190, Dragons 43
(HS is done; Dragons have F Taylor and Jags DEF)
Dragons started the wrong Bell! Tatum was inactive and Mike Bell put up 20. This surely would've been the difference and Wo should have won. Meanwhile, back in fantasy land, Holland has set a new IFL record for most consecutive wins to start a season, maybe the record for most consecutive wins ever, I'll have to check the archives. It's getting ridiculous. The only hope for us all is that the McNabb injury will slow the Hit Squad down. Yesterday's numbers - Lee Evans 62, Chad Johnson 50, T Henry 29, Westbrook 27. Sickening. HS is 11-0 and has clinched a bye. Their magic number for the 1 seed is 1, but an interesting matchup looms in Week 13, when he faces off against his cousin's PTPs in an incestual orgy of bloated fantasy numbers, large cocks, and hairy backs, that could actually be for the #1 seed if Holland loses next week and Mike B wins. As for Dragons, the timing couldn't be any worse. First they lose the midterm elections, then Wo finds out his son's projected height at adulthood is only going to be 6'7 3/4", and now they are officially eliminated from the West Division race at 5-6.

2006 TURKEY OF THE YEAR CANDIDATES

The holiday season is here, which means the IFL season is winding down, but Turkey season is in full gear. It's the 2nd most time-honored tradition in the IFL (after the Gut Contest) - the 2006 Turkey of the Year award!!!! Go to the IFL website and vote! F those other elections, this is where it's at. Whoever wins Turkey of the Year will set the tone for the next decade in Congress.

Here is a list of the 10 nominees, in no particular order.

Mike B. He's loud, obnoxious, full of himself, he's a well-known complainer, and let us not forget Frankiegate. AND HIS CAPS OBSESSION. To his credit, he's come into the IFL and been a force...but that's just another reason Turkski's a strong candidate for Turk, because we're going to have to hear about his fantasy greatness.

RVG. A perennial candidate, the Whole Fucking Turk is selling out by moving out of the city. Who the hell would do that. The GI Meter hasn't been as off the charts as in previous years, but he just confirmed that the Phillies got Soriano and McNabb is probable for next week's game at Indi.

Holland. The good news is, Holland finally learned how to use a computer. The bad news - our lives are all worse because Holland uses the computer. Add in the fact that he's 11-0 in the IFL and we'll never hear the end of it...and you have yourself a big fat Turkey with all the trimmings. Make sure you pluck the feathers though.

Meatball. Meatballs are traditionally not a Thanksgiving dish, but Joey has been one of the more controversial stories in the IFL this year, and could very well be a top contender for the poultry. Anyone who he's screwed by starting injured players or by his general incompetence and apathy toward the IFL (he's 3-20 so far in his career) will be compelled to vote for him.

Snyder. Don't be fooled by the new team name, he's still as big a Ballbuster as ever, and a big prick too. His legendary email feuds were as heated as ever this year, including the Borski CAPS incident, and the various arguments with Shu. Since he's never short on enemies in the IFL, you have to consider Snyde as prime Turk material.

Tone Money. Tone Turkey is always a good time, either on the fantasy field or at the Turkey Day dinner table (where he will be with me this year at my grandpa's house). However, we only see the Damn Best about once or twice a year any more, because he's too busy partying in Europe or hitting the night clubs in New York City. So we're just going to assume he's been the Damn Turk all year, and throw him a nomination.

Shu. This former Turkey winner may not have had his greatest year by Turk standards, but let us not forget, he is Shu, which is always good for Turkey points. The Italian Kosher Turkey spent a couple weeks in Thailand playing a little me-so-horny with the Thai women, and also getting anally raped. Good news - any incidents that take place outside the country still count toward Turkey eligibility!

Shap. This member of the Turk Hall of Fame and multiple Turkey winner is a lifetime nominee. You may be asking - how can someone be eligible for Turkey of the Year when nobody's seen him all year? When one of the main qualifications to being a Turk is just being Shap, that, in and of itself, is overwhelming evidence.

B Whit. It's been a dismal fantasy year for the commissioner and perennial Turk contender. Not only is he doing a poor job as commish, but he's on pace to tie the worst season in IFL history (1-10 now). Add in the fact that he's moved, not only out of the city, but across the river to the state of New Wachowski (which is actually half-owned by John Ellis (only the good half)), and you have someone who would look great stuffed on your Turkey Day table.

Pisco. Another former Turkey winner, this guy reeks of Turkey. He is the essence of Turkdom, just by his mere presence. As long as Pisco exists in this world, he will be a top contender for Turkey of the Year, hands down. No specific evidence is needed here.

******************
And now for the dishonorary unmentionables, who fell short of Turk nominations. Better luck next year.

Chaos. Since we never hear from the guy, unless he's selling fake WWE ringside seats, we could not qualify him for Turk status.

Ellis. The guy basically owns half of Philadelphia and South Jersey, so I don't want to piss him off. However, I am happy to report that my eminent domain case against him is heading to the Supreme Court.

The Wo-Man. Wo kinda hangs around and doesn't really shake the tree, except when he's hungry and needs some coconuts or pineapples. We let him host the draft this year, with a promise that he'll be more of a Turkey next year.

Turkvine. His strange man-boy love with Shu would have made him a fine candidate for Turkey, but he filed his paperwork too late.

Devo. His return to the IFL has been met with little fanfare, and the results have matched. Therefore, we don't want to give him any more publicity than he deserves, so he is not Turk-eligible.